Survivor IV : Update
Real Men Don't Wear Pink
Wherein the goobers finally get together in merge-land. The Boston Marathon (the unending drivel from Lord Robs mouth) is finally over and - after 19 days - the gang finally gets their collective nutz around the idea that they really are stuck on an island in French Polynesia to fight it out. Really, this was a light weight episode.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or
Open with a refresh of the Rotu alliance pledge to fry Maraamu. The Cleaver's find a human skull at camp fresh-fruit and they still have no sense of humour. Rotu is just whacked… with alliance games running amok. Lord Rob (rotu) and Katie Clipboard (Kathy from Maraamu) head off into the woods and end up in a CBS beer tent for the night. They got tree mail and head into the unknown, only to find the "merge" on the other side. A new name and pink "buffs". The Immunity challenge is all about having sea legs, and Zoe blows it… sheesh. Rob elects to shoot himself in the head, several times actually, and pays the ultimate price.
The Darwin Moment!
K… how to get tossed off a Survivor Show: (by Lord Rob, aka The Boston Strangler).
Step one: Agree with everyone to join their alliance.
Step two: Call them all out of the closet and try to embarrass them about the alliances.
Step three: Get in arguments with all the alliance leaders.
Step four: pack yer shit, cause you are totally outta here.
Lord Duffus! (Rob): "This tribe is a bunch of morons… I've tried to go up one side of the mountain and I've tried to go up the other side of the mountain. Now I think it's time to dig a hole right through it." Did you mean "dig a grave" Rob?
Kathy: "Integrity is everything… so just tell me the truth man." Excuse me? What on earth are you talking about?? There is a half a million dollars in that bucket… who, exactly, do you think is going to tell you the truth about anything?
Sean (Puff Daddy): "blah blah blah blah… blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah." Whatever.
Rob: "I'm writing my own death certificate." Yup.
K this was the home of the family "Cleaver" I mean, there's only three of 'em. Paschal, who's about 200 years old, Kathy, who left 80% of her brain in the 60's and Neleh… who just might be human, but we'll have to wait for her to grow up first. They manage to uncover a human skull by desecrating some ancient burial ground (called a "pie pie"??) and what do they do? Do they dance around with the skull, make jokes, get deep and religious? NUTHING… Like they can accomplish anything. Paschal and Neleh give Kathy the heebie geebies enough to make Kath feel she's on the road home if they end up in the Out House again… but there'll be non-of-that… It's merge day.
The few moments we have with the kids of Camp Rotu before merge land are filled with the milk of human kindness… you know, like Rob going off about what a bunch of morons his tribe mates are… how fake Vecepia is, etc. But then Tree Mail comes and the kids are told they have 5 minutes to elect a rep, equip him or her with long sleeves and pants and send 'em into the jungle. I think Tammy was reading the mail and asked for a volunteer. Dead freaking silence!!! And it dragged. Rob (Boston Rob) finally steps up to the plate. What a bunch of wimps… No really… I am completely distracted when watching the show by how completely spineless they ALL are. At this stage I hope Sean wins… 'cause we know he'll load up on chemicals when he gets home and die from an overdose… then some good will have come from all this.
So the two most unlikely characters end up elected to go into the woods with long sleeves; Kathy and Rob. These two have no reason to like one another… none. You can just see the wheels spinning back and Survivor Production Central: "K, lets see what'll happen if we take a couple of these gits and stuff 'em with pizza and beer." And what does? Nutten honey. Nadda. They go off to be "ambassadors" to the merge for each tribe, to pick a name and make a flag, etc. Rob takes the time to setup a major head fuck for Kathy by telling her that Zoe was all over the idea of voting Kathie off first after the merge.
CBS had a lot to work with for this… and we get the two of them chit chatting and then a horrific moment watching Mrs. Cleaver yank'en her pants down (again! - remember the peeing on Male Nurse John's hand?) with a full on bend over from behind shot while she waggles the pants over her ankles. Talk about scratching in the dirt for a video moment. We can see that Lord Robs wheels are spinning but he quickly flames out…we'll get to that later.
Apparently this translates into "We suck" in an ancient tribal language.
Rob and Kathie come back to the Maraamu camp and have to do one of those "you have 5 minutes to pack the camp" deals… they blow a minute with a bunch of hugs then get busy… bottom line… the new camp will be in the land of the waterfall, versus the land of the fresh fruit tree. So off goes the Cleaver Family with Lord Rob to paddle their belongings across the bay to Camp Rotu.
They are met with all this happy vibe that is essentially a load of… And then the grand plan from Lord Rob comes into focus. He basically reduces Kathie to half set jello by messing with her head relentlessly. He corners Kathie and Sea Captain Zoe in the woods and calls Zoe on her vote to cast Kathie out first. Zoe artfully demurs and lies her ample ass off, the whole time with this goofy sneer on her lips… ps. She has a really huge mouth… she could get a tennis ball in there and still be able to eat at McDonalds.
Rob keeps going off on the tribe mates about their alliance plans… in front of everyone. Male Nurse John, who is looking positively native with his big scruffy face really is not terrifically impressed. He all but takes a swing at Rob. This, of course, incenses Puff Daddy (Sean) who gets seriously over the edge at John with a big shouting match… and the topic? Well, nothing… just a chance to yell a bunch.
The kids all wear these little spandex tubes emblazoned with the logo of the tribe… called "buffs". They get new pink buffs for the new Soliantu tribe. The buff's fit around you head nicely, or in Voodoo Robs case, around his bicep. Neleh freaking wears hers like a halter-top… yea… If she swallowed a walnut whole you'd be able to watch it going down, let alone see it through the "buff" in her marginally existent tummy. PLEASE FEED THIS GIRL. Oh and Voodoo Rob pulls his buff on as he comments "I don't care what you say, real men don't wear Pink." Male Nurse John cringes.
You know I want to go off on Rob as the evil guy… but he's just playing the game… I'm thinking that the true evil overlord… the Darth Vader of Team Soliantu, is Zoe, and her Sith Lord is Male Nurse John. Never before have I seen a more evil looking grin on a persons face. She lies like a rug to Kathie (although, who wouldn't) when Rob tries to call her on her plans to vote for Kathie. And John? He was actually possessed by the devil early in the game and will most likely begin demanding human sacrifices soon.
Tammy gets the nod for the gratuitous bikini shot standing in the waterfall, but for those of you into big sweaty men, the argument scene with Rob, Puff Daddy and John was great… they are just covered from head to toe in sweat yammering away at each other. Er… if you're into thinking sticks are cute, you could maybe call Neleh eye candy but that Body Fitting Buff thing was pretty scary.
Yea, so the alliance deal is pretty smarmy. John, Tammy, Vecipea and Zoe seem to have a lock agreement and Lord Rob does everything in his power to out them. All he manages to do is drive Kathie totally freak'en nutz.
Tonight's show brings up a slight twist on the "stand here and don't move" challenge. The kids are put on these little 3 x 3 floating things and told to balance. "you cannot touch the raft with any part of your body except your feet." Watching them screw this up was just pathetic. Sea Captain Vader Girl, Zoe, decides to reach down and touch hers for some unapparent reason. Male Nurse John does the same when it's down to just him v. Kathie. It was enough to make me wonder wtf???? Kathie wins the first individual immunity and she believes (thanks to Robs blab blab blabbing) that she needs this or she's gone. There is much rejoicing from the land of Katie Clipboard.
The Out House
So they get back from the Immunity Challenge and all we hear is Captain Relentless (Lord Rob) complaining about everything, pushing buttons and basically begging to be booted off… something I just don't understand.
Sean is kinda bang on when Male Nurse John tries to push back on Rob about his calling everyone on the alliances… he (while quite hot under the collar mind you) yells at John "Don't hand me that 'we're all individuals' crap now. When it was Gabriel's turn, it was an Alliance of 7… now its' ####### (ß CBS killed the sound on Sean saying fuck!) Sean is seriously pissed off.
They all get to the Out House and Jeff tries to light some fires… he keeps asking these pointed questions and people basically hang themselves… The he asks Zoe something about alliances… and she talks for a minute without actually putting anything close to an actual sentence together.
Then Jeff announces the BIG NEWS… from here on in, the winner of immunity will be able to assign it to another member of the tribe. I can already see Paschal giving it to Neleh… awwwww.
They vote and they really put it to Lord Rob… he is just toasted out of there. He has a little class in his exit speech but damn!!! We are left with Kathie AND Male Nurse John… yikes.
~ Johns sneer when Jeff announces that Rob is outta there is freaking scary… he really looks evil.
~ next weeks preview moment talks about Neleh getting upset… she may actually speak next week. Sheesh.
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