Survivor IV : Update
The Web Cam Edition!!!
Wherein Male Nurse John hijacks the show with a freakishly inflated ego, a naked ass and a developing romance with Detroit Rob. Maraamu makes ya wanna puke and Rotu learns how to suck... suck hard... and suck long - and no, I'm not still talking about Lord Rob and El Cid John.
Yea so, I get home last night at 8:45 to see that I had neglected to TURN OFF THE VCR after programming it to tape Survivor. So, I click "rec" and absorb the idea that I actually missed the freaking show.
I turned to the Lj friends list. There I found the ever adorable hisbeauty… Laurie lives in BC (west coast) and hence is 3 hours behind me. She literally moved furniture around in her living room and positioned her web cam in front of the tv. Then I called her and she left the phone on the table with the TV. So from my eastern-standard-timezone I watche Survivor (the first 45 minutes) across the country on a streaming web cam. She is a total lifesaver… and yes, I am a big big psycho for being this into anything… J
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or
Bodies in the waterfall, egos exploding, hatred growing, and skinny dipping men. Yea Rotu's non-stop fun. The happy little family at Maraamu is just making me sick! "It's all Spirit, Energy & Desire"… yea, until you have to add "backstabbing" ya big big freaks. They race through the woods for a fried-chicken dinner, and Rotu gives Lord Rob more to bitch about by losing on a technicality. Well-fed Maraamu, dives into dinner. Rotu keeps eating Harlem sushi. Lazy-Ass-Sean learns to suck it up, and Male-Nurse-John tells Lord Rob he has a whole new spin on the "it" part of sucking "it" up. Neleh reads some make-me-puke poem to Paschal, while Lord Rob calls the tribe mates on their alliances. Immunity flashes past Maraamu and lands on Rotu… Mom, Dad and the daughter kick the skinny, slutty cousin from out-of-town out of the house. Bu-bye Gina. Eat something would ya?
The Darwin Moment!
Kathy (paraphrase) "No really, when I was Rotu, we'd put sand on the coals to keep them warm… here let me just POUR SAND ON THE FIRE so it'll be there for us when we get back from catching crabs." Now this could only be funnier if "catching crabs" meant they all decided to go down on Kathy. Maraamu spends the day before going to the Out House following their resounding defeat in the Immunity Challenge screwing things up… Stunningly, and thanks to the good folks in the CBS editing room, this doesn't lead to her ouster.
Male-Nurse-John: "My leadership has emerged… everyone now knows that this is my show." Lets translate that; "my ego has exploded… as it rains down on my tribe mates, they are all going to plot my timely death."
Lord Rob: "I have no strategy, no game plan… all I care about is getting rid of him [male-nurse-john]."
Voodoo Rob: "I'll hang back and let him [male-nurse-john] take all the grief of leadership." Yea baybee…
Lord Rob: "I did my part in the race, then I handed my keys to dumb and dumber and they proceeded to screw up the rest of the race."
Lazy Sean (obviously having found a good source of mescaline) "What we got out here is nature and opportunity." (slurrrp… geez, talk about sucking "it" up…)
Male-Nurse-John (to Lord Rob); "Yup… I'm a 36 year old gay boy from Okalahoma who's kicking your ass." (translation: "Rob, here's some stuff for you bug me about for the next six episodes… or maybe you want me?")
Talk about yer cuddle sluts… all these girls need is a craven Idol and they can be a pagan religion … oh wait, they're worshiping Paschal. Any odds on them abandoning the game to run into the woods and go native? No really, they are just all happy smarmy snuggly… quite the contrast to the lithium ward over at Rotu.
The show starts with Kathy and Old-Man-Ass chasing a crab around… I was waiting for them to bonk heads… We get some footage of them all chowing down on their unending food supply and chit chatting about who Rotu might have tossed at the Out House. Then we quickly sneak off to the Reward Challenge…
This was a "race through the woods, find stuff, then race through the water, find stuff, and then dive into the winners circle" thing… The prize? A big honking meal… (so much for suffering without food during this Survivor run!) Fried-Chicken, Quiche, Bean Salad, dessert… blah blah blah…
It was kinda hard to see the details (web cam and all) but we have the Maraamu kids chugging along fine but falling behind at the waters edge. They had to dash-through-the-grass to find a paddle, twice… getting these keys to unlock an outrigger canoe and (d'uh) use the paddles to row the canoe out to get flags… then return a place the flags on this alter. Now, Rotu grabs and holds a commanding lead as the paddling starts… but Maraamu is never far behind. Rotu gets the flags up first and idiot boy (Jeff) pronounces them the winners… and is greeted by much screaming from Maraamu… ahhhh A Challenge. Apparently Rotu screwed up a few things in the details and is disqualified so idiot boy gets to yell again.. "Maraamu wins". And there was much yelling and screaming in delight.
As Gina later remarks, it's not so much about winning the food as it is about keeping Rotu from winning the food. Of course, Gina does not have access to a full length mirror… EAT THE FREAKING CHICKEN GINA before you ribs come shooting out through your chest…
Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver show up… Beaver, in this case, is clearly Neleh… and Gina? Well she's just that skinny ho cousin, from the big city. Beaver reads a smoochy poem to Dad… I wipe the puke off the table in front of me and they thankfully switch out to Rotu.
Kathy Kathy Kathy… could you possibly drive me more nutz? Of course, editing her up to be totally rancid doesn't hurt. And this is done to distract us… The Cleavers are just too snuggly. Grrrr…
~ unless those commercials with the scrolling 1-800 (1-800 not 1-976!!!) and the little hungry kids living in mud huts turns ya on… we got nuthin here… but watch for next week… they are gonna play up Neleh oops, I mean "Beaver" any second now.
Well we've covered this haven't we… Mom, Dad and the Beaver.
A basket of pit vipers would get along better than these dipsticks. Our first taste of them tonight is all Lord Rob having a hate on for Male-Nurse-John who's verbal diarrhea splats the screen with his inflated sense of Kingship. Of course, Voodoo Rob just warms his hiney so Male-Nurse-John strips naked and goes swimming… giving ol Voodoo boy his best "come hither".
After losing the Reward Challenge on the strength of Voodoo Rob screwing up the game for Rotu, we get a nice taste of Lord Rob having a good ol'hate on for the voodoo boy. (when will that voodoo doll come out?) Male-Nurse-John sour grapes over the food prize and guesses that Maraamu will get sick on the yummies… little does he know that they've been eating like kings this whole time.
Lord Rob sits down with the clan and gets on about alliances. I always wondered why they don't call each other more often on the alliance thing… and here goes Rob with the "in your face" questions about the John, Voodoo Rob, Tammy, Zoe alliance. After several sketchy answers John finally says' "you'd have to be blind to not see this!" (that they are an alliance) But then asks Rob to look him in the eye and say he wasn't planning on tossing John. To which Rob replies with all the aplomb of a shoplifter caught in a parking lot; "No!"…. This is where John asks "Do I have stupid written on my forehead?"
Then it gets fun; Lord Rob asks Male-Nurse-John, "are you gay?" (again, with the in-your-face questions) and gets the "Yup, I'm a 36 year old gay guy from Okalahoma who's kicking your ass." Lil'Lord Rob is none to impressed with this. However, I'm holding out for them to become lovers and fulfill the prophecy that Jeff made when promoting this Survivor run about lovers in the game. (hey, you gotta admit, it'd be A SCREAM!).
Rob is figuring that he's total toast if Camp Rotu ends up at the Out House, but Male-Nurse-John has the same idea and talks to his allied members about tossing the challenge. Guess how well that was received. Tammy just does not like it even a little… and SHE SHOULD, John is totally right… lose the challenge and get rid of the threats… But then comes the actual challenge.
It's a wonderful huge circular Maze thing that they have to run through searching for "rungs" to use in assembling a ladder in the center of the maze. Climb the ladder, win the prize… immunity. Rotu grabs an early lead and works it hard. They cream Maraamu's clock in this competition. John is, of course, all pissy. Rob is dancing up a storm.
Well they whole gang is pretty well evil. Lord Rob's a dick and wants to "get John". John wants everyone to kneel at his feet, Tammy doesn't know shit about the concept of strategy (but I guess she's not inherently evil) and smarmy Sean is all sucky and playing to stay… Zoe? She's just scary. Voodoo Rob… he has a voodoo doll in his pack… what else do you need to hear?
Tammy has potential, but other than gratuitous shots of her showering in the waterfall, we don't really have eye candy… As I said at the very beginning of this series… these shows always end up voting off all the eye candy.
mmmk? John, Voodoo Rob, Tammy, Zoe… that's one team
Sean, Rob and Cepia with Cepia being an iffy member of that team. And they all despise one another. Nope… nothing Leave It To Beaver like about this gang… maybe Charles Manson and his Clan…
The Out House
So, Jeff, in his now boring style, needles the person we think will get ousted and makes everyone uncomfortable… This is a good sign that whoever you think is going to go is NOT THE ONE. So while Jeff puts the squeeze on Kathy I start fearing for Gina.
Mom, Dad and the Beaver all vote Gina off… At least she can start putting some body fat back on… Maybe she and Hunter will get a little something going one.
~ how many people on the jury? They show us the tribes merging next week… will the next peeps off'ed be jury bound? I mean, that basically means that the dick heads (Sean and Rob) will be on the jury… geez… how dumb is that?
~ I just cannot believe these people have not killed something more substantial to eat yet.
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