Survivor IV : Update
Nuth'en Says Love'en Like A Hand Full Of Pee.
Wherein ... we get to see the makings of a tribe actually voting themselves off the island. We get blood, guts, a fist full of pee. The expectation is that Sally Struthers will show up any minute to tell us that for pennies a day you CAN make a difference. Oh, and the remaining members of Maraamu have bright red L's tattooed on their foreheads…
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less...
Hunter tells Sarah "don't be paranoid…" He's really got it wrong. Kathy has game. She kisses voodoo boy and gets to pee on Male Nurse guy's sea urchin stung hand. Neleh wants old man ass. The nurse gets busy healing people; cut toes, finger smashes… and the NoNo's say YesYes to all this fresh blood (mini-mosquitoes). It's all about rafts and paddl'en for reward… and a labyrinth roller ball game for immunity… and none of it's for Maraamu. Rob (Bronks Boy) is really jonesing for a seat at the helm. Or so he explained from his "ready room" by the tree. Hunter goes to the great hunting ground… Oh and Sean's a dick.
The Darwin Moment!
Come on... I can hardly stand it. Sean manages to rise to greater and greater heights of lazy-ass'ness.... The reward challenge - paddling these home made rafts - was truly a neck and neck race... and what's he doing? Paddling like a 5 year old girl, except when he STOPs paddling altogether. As usual, CBS skews the show to sell us on the notion that we know who's going... and of course we keep getting images of people dissing Sean or Sean being a lazy ass... which, of course, means that he's still golden and not be going anywhere... YET.
Best Quotes (holy shit… so much material, I can't decide…)
Lets start with Hunter… seeing as things ended with Hunter tonight.
"Don't be paranoid." … he tells Sarah as she goes off on him about getting his vote all the time.
"We're going to have to go back and rebuild." Hunter, about three minutes before…
"I was camping with a bunch of knuckleheads." (his exit speech…)
"I don't have a problem with someone who wants to be the leader… I just have a problem with whomever." He's just making noises again by, apparently, stringing random words together.
"I'd rather be eat'en a bowl of my own dodo than more of that…" Yea, and he's prol'y going to have to soon…
"The humble shall be exalted." (before the immunity challenge) Hahahaha… yea, and the meek shall be freaking used as rags to mop the brow of the strong.
Now Rob… saving the best for last…
"It doesn't matter if my team is stronger, physically or mentally… just that they OBEY." oh boi… you know there's a prize for being the first to really let it go to your head.
Um Colleen… er… I mean Elisabeth… or was it KimP, oh nono… I mean Neleh is fitting right into the CBS Survivor Game theme pack. She's glommed onto Pascal, the wrinkly older man and says (quote) "If there's anyone on the team I'd have a tough time voting for, it'd be him." Followed by a moment of on screen hugging and cheek kissing. Yea, leave it to the young girl to mess up the old guys blood flow… he'll be stalking her for the rest of the game.
Ok, the Rotu Goto Crew has so many shitty things happening to them it's just freaking amazing that they are so spirited and essentially win everything that gets tossed at them… although they won immunity by a pubic hair.
We have the voodoo man cutting his big toe on a rock. Ok, don't be misled here... it's a big honk'en vicious cut. There's a good inch and a half of thick skin hanging off him. Nurse boy comes to the rescue with the big ass carving knife to clean and dress the wound... What was he so worried about finding his reason d'etre for... I mean let someone else find food... he can survive on the strength of being able to fix folks.
Male Nurse John also manages to get attacked by a giant killer eel... in 4 inches of water. No kidding now... it crushes his finger, splits his nail and makes mush out of the top inch of that finger. He's in tears, and working the sympathy vote... except, um John? There is no sympathy vote.
Dom Probst shows up at the beach with a bundle of big bamboo stalks and tells the kids to build a raft and be ready to race it. They just dive into it... they make a pontoon version of a raft and are all jazzed about the process. At the competition they face the "other guys" in this zig zag race to collect crates from the water course and cross the finish line... They even fell behind at one point. But Sean (big lazy bum on Maraamu) let them pull ahead and they get to select between blankets, pillows and a lantern or a weeks worth of rice... They take the blankets, etc. The "other guys" are so freak'en disgusted with themselves you can taste it....
Other than suffering a lot... the Roto Gang is really not very news worthy.
Needs a web site
Male Nurse John also managed to press his hand against a sea urchin. This is a bad bad thing... very poisonous. How do you treat this? Well human urine will counteract the poison. So we see him running up the beach yelling "Who needs to pee? Does anyone have any pee?" The looks on peeps faces was priceless... Of course Kathy steps up to the plate... she had her pants down in a jiffy, hunched over him, pissing all over his hand... Then she asked him if he'd like her to pee on his bum... Ok, she didn't but she did say "At least I performed at the call of duty." Yea... she can write her own ticket now... It takes a special kind of survivor to step up to the plate when called to pee on a male nurse.
Take my word for it... this will make it to several web sites...
Little Neleh is being called Sweet Pea (gag!) by everyone else in the tribe. She stuck to Pascal very much the way lil'elisabeth was stuck on papa in Survivor 2. Pascal is a Judge, so we already know he's a perve, oh wait, that's clergy... oh well... we'll see if old-man-ass can manage to keep a straight face while Neleh gives him all those big hugs and smooches.
Gabriel... teddy bear boy gets a little air time... all of which includes his big mangy mess of hair... but not a whole bunch of dialogue. His photo ops will come.
The side-lines (chuckling)
Zoe... The fishing boat captain, she has no upper lip... as Z pointed out, she manages to look just like the Joker from the original Bat Man movie. And Tammy... got a little air time ragging on how bad things were... just before the gang broke into a hana barbara style happy zone of team work. These two are pretty much quietly waiting for somebody to mess up.
One big happy family for all we know... they're really not getting the air time due, in the main, to the pathetic self destructive tendencies of the Maraamu losers.
Gina, Gina, Gina... See if you come into something like this with zero body fat, it's a no brainer that the lack of protein will turn you into a skeleton in skin bag. The night vision shots of her really accentuated her gaunt features... showing her in a bikini the next day - dissing on Sean and Sarah btw - just begged for the scrolling 1-800 Feed-Me phone number.
The Loser Crew introduces us to the NoNo. A miniscule little bug that leaves welts on the skin… the gang looks frightening… We get this image of them getting the "build a raft" supplies, standing around on the beach, scratching big evil looking reactions to a zillion NoNo bites… forming a frigg'en committee to argue about how to build a raft and who gets to be the "raft idea leader" (which, btw, gets out of control thanks to Sean). It seems like Seans' idea of leadership is to lay down, do nothing, and complain about the leadership. The ultimate Alpha Male, oh yea… alpha hydroxy maybe… the guy is a pimple on the landscape of this island.
Now The Godfather… Rob is really surfing the wave of his insanity. "I'm banking on their mistakes… I'm totally like Hunter but I won't show it!" He's sitting back and feeling very much like he is the puppet master.
There is no dead air when filming the L team. If they're not engrossed in a challenge they're arguing about who is the laziest or who has the biggest problems… Hunter comments "everyone's wondering what's wrong [striking out every time they go to bat] and I don't have the heart to tell 'em that the problem is them!" Essentially … if you go into something feeling like a loser… well you know… walks like a duck, etc.
Food seems to be a problem for them too… They have all this shell fish, etc. but it just looks disgusting, which leads to Sean's comment about "I'd rather eat a bowl of my own dodo…" Everyone is looking depleted… um, except Hunter and Rob… Hunter has a well tuned metabolism, and Rob just had a some body fat to live off…
Ok… Immunity. These guys are all bent when they get back from losing the Reward Challenge… talking trash about themselves and about the "4 L's". Well they head into the Get the hell off the island challenge with all kinds of vim (and vigor), and they are damn close to winning…. It's this deal with an 8x8 foot circular maze thing that a little coconut can roll through. The thing is held on a series of pulleys to move the board and roll the coconut. Four rope-pullers and one director-on-a-chair calling the shots have to navigate three coconuts through the maze and sink it in a center hole. After each "sink" they switch positions.
Just before the challenge starts, Idiot boy (Jeff) asks one of his patented dumb questions "so how does it feel losing every challenge so far?" This is where Sean comes out with his "The humble shall be exalted." bit… Do you remember Bill Cosby's "Noah's Ark" sketch (Noah, getting his instructions from god on the whole Ark thing)? Sean's aplomb is met with these looks from the team mates that begs for somebody to say "riiiiiiiight… What's a cubit?"
Jeff does his little left arm / right arm thing and they're off. When Rob is doing the directing, he's just scratching at his ear and saying ummm a lot. Sarah is all over the place pointing and yelling at a "puller" but forgetting to say whether she needs "up" or "down". It was pathetic. But, amazingly, they are first to get the last coconut into the center circle… inches from the hole and they… they… well, they choke, that's what they do. Panicked, tasting glory and almost afraid of it they blow it as Rotu rolls number three into their center circle and down the hatch.
This is human suffering at it's best. Watching their spirits collapse to the level of their skin on their depleted bodies remains priceless because each sullen face, each drawn expression is juxtaposed with the effort they had to go through to "win" the opportunity to do this.
Needs a clue….!
Look, Hunter may be all chisel boi with the pecks and the nose that looks like it'd fit a good inch and a half inside but he doesn't actually have a human brain. Once you get past the natural leader programming you get, essentially, comment lines… useless at run time. After the crushing defeat in the Immunity Challenge the gang is all about plotting and alliances. Hunter is dealing with Gina and expecting support from Rob re: getting rid of Sean. In fact, at the "Out House" Probst asks Hunter what he thinks and Captain Confidence says "We're going to have to go back and rebuild." Like he's going back… talk about yer shocker when the votes were counted.
Cepia, Sean, Sarah and Gina are all looking bad… Gina I've already mentioned… Sean and Cepia are just looking sweaty, angry and hungry. Sarah? Well the boobs are still there… any shots CBS can get, head on with the boobs makes the show and there were a few that included this scary kind of visible rib thing between her boobs, which are basically softballs hanging off her. From an eye candy perspective, she still looked great running around in the bikini bottoms and the lil'halter but those looks are starting to seriously compete with the freakish starving porn star look.
Hunter? Well he's gone isn't he…
The peanut gallery (laughing and laughing)
CBS and Jeff must have just been falling about the place trying to splice together footage for this series. Truly, the Maraamu crew of lay-about inner city kids and bone-girl gina depend on Hunter for everything… He's cutting coconuts up while the gang sleeps away a break from building the raft… er, I mean arguing about building a raft (for the reward challenge). Then they blow him away… I mean, I see their motivation. That's not to say I don't think they're all "stupid folk" that shouldn't be allowed to procreate but campers tend to imagine getting on without the camp counselor. Given their current strengths (none) and their physical reserves (none) it looks like they may just off themselves completely… I wonder if CBS will do some weird merge thing to stave off the inevitable like they did in Survivor Africa.
Rob (oops, I mean Lord Rob - lord of the NoNo flies) has bulbous-yellow-bags-of-water under his thumb and finds he can harness the power of the Alpha Male Wannabe and bring Cepea along for the ride - who, btw, says "my inner strength comes from Jesus Christ." - um, k, this is not good… 'cause you have no strength so you're basically calling Cross Man weak and worthless.
Then there's Hunter and Gina. Well, not really, cause Hunter leaves tonight and Gina is only sorta there in the first place.
The Out House (Tribal Council)
It's just sad. The kids trudge in and trudge out. Somewhere in there CBS tries to shamelessly manipulate us into thinking Sean's number was up… and they deliver 2 votes to Sarah and 4 votes to Hunter. Now Hunter is just stunned… he had no clue… his closing words (see http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor4/survivors/final_words/hunter.shtml) reveal his surprise. He's name-calling and a tad bit bitter. He's also better off…
~ Unless it's some kind of "name the streets in Harlem" or "Self Esteem Can Be Bought - Discuss!" challenge… the Maraamu's stand so little chance of winning anything..
~ One wonders what calamity will next befall the carefree crowd at club Rotu?? "Pascal eaten by sand crabs… slowly…" seems likely but, we'll have to wait and see…
REMEMBER Survivor is on Wednesday again next week!!!
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