Survivor IV : Update
Boobies!! And Improbably White Teeth.
Wherein ... we meet the newest american delegates to the Phone Sanitizer Conference (tip'o'hat to Dougi Adams rip). Talk about yer haves and have nots? wow... this is going to be a fun run of Survivor Update'en. We got "paid for boobies", bibles busting out everywhere, old tough white meat, unsalted angry dark meat from the hood and gold chains. Darwin is laughing so hard, he's blowing chunks in his grave bro!
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less...
Welcome to a rusty cargo ship, please barf here. Ok, nuf said, now GET OUT and row. No food, no water, but a nice big knife! Rotu, the go-to kids, get a beautiful waterfall, and Maraamu? they get Sarah and her boobs. Boiz 'n da'hood don't do oceans and there ain't no "prevailing winds" in the bronks! Kathy's bossy, Hunters a natch, but it's time to compete. Watch old people drown… er, swim… and it's all about being a happy Rotu. Time for a lynching… who's up? The guy with all the holes… later Peter YOU BIG BIG FREAK.
The Darwin Moment!
K… so Sarah. This is the obvious eye candy girl for the show… although there are a couple of other likely lasses that look a little higher up the food chain and, yea yea, ok… there are a couple of cute boys… just don't tell me you like the Bronks Beat Boi with his gold chain and jersey twang. But back to Boobs… I mean Sarah… I mean Lindsey… I mean Boobs… grrr… ok, This is a game about not picking each others scabs for as long as possible and making it to the final gang of four right? So what does booby girl do? Doff's a bikini and sits in her raft (on the power row in from the ocean) and chants the strokes… doesn't actually do any strok'en. And when they make landfall… She's freaking standing (in her glory) on the raft while the others bring her ashore like she's Cleo-bloody-patra. Way to endear yerself to the masses. Shit girl, just rip off yer top and be done with it.
Well, there were two;
Sean is the black boi from 'da hood… all talk'en from Harlem. He is - no question - gonna be sound-bite boi. He puts out with "Yo! Der ain't no oceans in da hood!… the Brothers don't do a lot of swimm'en." Well it's a good thing you landed yer little self in the middle of the south pacific dough boy.
Then there was Vecepia… the girl that brought a book of her own poetry… Day one, after making landfall she comments on Sarah… "Sarah has a very cute body… she paid a lot for it…" You got that right…
Talk about yer over-indulged little brother… K… Rotu is the go-to kids… mostly cause they have a little spirit… and why not? They have beautiful waterfall to play in. It's their source of fresh water. They also have Tammy and Gabriel. Tam's got the whole fiancé at home thing going on … so she's instantly a target for tear parades as time goes by… but she's got a good look and seems to have a good attitude. Gabriel… brought a teddy bear… looks like a teddy bear… will undoubtedly be the first boi wiping away tears on camera. I hardly know what to say about the rest of these guys… they didn't get much air time last night… they won immunity so their time Kodak moments will really get underway next week… but I gotta point out that they have Pashal - he's about 89 years old and is a judge… looks about ready to join his ancestors… and OF COURSE there's Robert… he's gonna scare the rest of 'em soon enough. (he's the one with the voodoo doll).
Needs a vacuum
So it only took one day for Kathie Silly-Hyphen-Name-Girl to emerge as Miss Intensity… a little Kathie Clipboard. Bonk Bonk… hello? Remember the idea is not to make enema's of the whole gang within the first 24 hours. She must have missed that memo. She goes kinda snaky over getting a fire going… 'cause their in the darkest parts of northern Alaska you know.. oh wait… wrong… I forgot… a sunny lush, paradise on earth Island in the South Pacific. When she finally sulks into the woods for a pee the gang bangs down and comes up with a fire. So the lesson here… if you want Kathie's good advice to yield results… she needs to leave.. well, in that case, what exactly do they need her around for in the first place?
Yea.. like I said, They got Tammy… who may very well emerge as a strong player, and they have Teddy Bear Boy. There's also John… who might have potential… but when the gang realizes he brought massage oil… they're gonna torch his smarmy ass.
Each tribe (and I'll get to Maraamu in a minute) has a player that seems to float above the others… for Rotu, it's gotta be Zoe. She's a fishing boat captain… has a strong scent of "tough as nails" about her… So while the kids are struggling with what-ever… expect to see her chuckling…
nadda-ting happened here except the gang looking "together" on the idea that maybe a Kathie Clipboard fondu would go down nicely.
Burned! Hahaha.. .these guys may have Sarahs boobs but they really got hosed on the whole water deal. They have a hole in the ground (that needs to be enlarged btw) versus the beautiful waterfall that Rotu has…
They also have Hunter, Peter, Sean and Rob… talk about a cast of characters… The gang is trying to get their collective thumbs out of their bums when Hunter poses with all his plumage bursting and says (no really) "Well the prevailing winds are from the east…" So the rest of the gang falls all over that… Bronks boi (Rob) is just killing himself, and Sean? Talk about yer shoulder-chip boi. This is the self proclaimed "boy from the hood" and he's on camera do'en "Well, I'm an Alpha Male too, and I just am not comfortable taking orders from Hunter." Yea… Alfalpha Male more like it… he was doing baptisms in the surf on day one… bringing to word of the lord to French Polynesia. word!hood-boi
Meanwhile… Peter is "chilling" somewhere and takes the totally unnecessary risk of letting everyone know he has maybe one or two cards left from his original deck by going on and on about how many orafaces (orafi?) people have… about how holey people are - and no he wasn't talking about religion. You could just see everyone turning their backs to him and trying not to double over… Sound Bite Boy Rob: "He's a fruit loop!"
Vecepia (who's name is just bugging me so I'm calling her Cepia now) got a few good sound bites… and generally seems like she's smart enough to be a player… a lay-low and mind your marbles player.
These guys lost the Immunity Challenge… "move heavy outrigger canoe out into the water… light some torches, use torches to light other torches and haul that outrigger around a bunch… first one to the end wins." They had some serious spaz time with this one… nobody looked happy while they were busy losing.
Needs a vacuum!
Patricia… how'd you get here? I don't care if you're overweight… I don't care if your old 'nuf to know what car fins are… but you looked about ready to cave in on yerself over these issues… Did you 'spect that the kids wouldn't notice your age or condition? She was lay'en low but still managed to pack like she was expecting to be shipped out first. All I'm say'en is… act like a loser… be one.
Well this is where the fun is… Lord Hunter cuts a pretty fine figure but he sure looks like he might have a silver studded leather hat in the hidden closet at home… ya dig? Then Rob ("shut up Rob" I wonder if he hears that from girls a lot? I mean, he's a good looking guy… but that voice… I'd have to kill him on the spot if I had to deal with him on a regular basis) This leaves Sarah and Gina. Sarah? Oh geez… I mean, sure… but if her neck was a little thicker and boobs a bit smaller she'd could be a double for Lindsey from Survivor Africa. Sounds like her too… maybe she'll get a tic stuck to her ass too? Now Gina… there ya go.
And here comes Gina… she's a "nature guide" in the real world. She was just a giggling away… watching Sarah strut, Hunter take charge, Peter sink his sorry ass, etc. I mean, this is a beautiful lush Polynesian island… She's got all kids of good looks but mostly she looks like she knows stuff the others can only guess at. And considering Rob and Sean look as though they've never seen a tree before… she's chuckling…
Gina was all about saying "Piss off and don't even try to tell me who to vote for you big big freak… when Peter tried to open the bidding at "lets keep the strong ones". Still and all, not a lot of alliance making… they just wanted rid of Peter… although (big surprise) boobie girl got a couple of votes… Remember… the candy always goes.
The Out House (Tribal Council)
The familiar Jethro Tull 'esque Pan Flute sound heralds a return to the council of dump… or - for S4 - "the out house". The Maraamu kids get to blast someone… and it's a sure thing in my mind that Peter will be flapping his bowling shoe feet down the exit path. But before they get to that… we get to see Jeff Probst put Sarah on the spot… "So Sarah? Do you have a roll here?" (and you can just hear him muttering "I mean besides having large round breasts") to which she replies… "Sure… kinda everything…" The gang prol'y wanted to lynch her right there and then. We'll see if she picks up the slack anytime soon…
And yes… Sarah gets 2 votes, Patricia gets one vote… and Peter gets 4! He is toasted.
~ Rob seemed to be all about killing something with meat on it… until Lord Hunter reigned him in and said let's get the necessities accounted for first… Next week it looks like pig hunting…
~ I didn't even mention Neleh today… they gave her ZERO screen time… which usually means she has a big future…
Note: I'm all feeling the love for a good net friend that deserves some wild applause (that's clapping… not apple sauce) for being such an amazing woman and holding her juice and showing more class and strength then it seemed possible to have after taking a very hard turn while on a conference recently. I want to make a point of putting a healthy DM at the bottom of all these Survivor Updates as my way of saying that dawnmarie, the Fish Bowl girl, is one fantastic girl and will always have a place in my heart.