Survivor III : Update
The "Let's Hate Lex" Episode
Note: I added something (an edit) to this...
Wherein we get to watch Lex, the skinny, whiny, slimy character that he is, win win win... Like we're not all sick and tired of his lucky ass. I bet he has a horseshoe tattooed on his butt. There's tears, there’s elephant poop, there's a big goofy plug for the "good folks at CBS" via a med-supply delivery to a kenyan hospital and there's Thong Nana looking a whole lot like she just may have died a couple of days ago and like Kieth Richards, just forgot to lay down...
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 75 words or less...
Tom complains about NanaThong washing in pachyderm-poop but everyone else complains of his violently stinky feet. Chasing chickens and whining... Mail from home... tears everywhere, cept Tom (he just sits and smells bad). Reward? (bob barker voice) "A New Car!" (truck actually) via a sunday paper word search... CBS fighting Aids in Africa and alliance plots. Teresa? The last smart one... Immunity? big ass challenge, again skewed to strong alpha males, and horseshoe boy picks up another necklace. Of course, the smart one goes.
Frank's I-Am-A-Freak Quote of the week!
"So Brandon? Can I wear the skirt today?"
well there's a few of them...
"you cannot live out here and be a sissy" (tom) but you can be an asshole
"The mojo was just funky." (Lex upon his return from winning yet another reward challenge... "funky" is his word for "everyone hates your painted ass."
"Oh my gawd... i can't even say haiku." Of course Tom actually says Haiku here, thus reminding us of his close genetic ties to single celled organisms.
Funky Mojo Mati
Wow... things could not be lazier in lala land... the show opens with an image of the Immunity NeckTie hanging on a skull and we get footage of lions stretched out and sleeping in the sun. The gang is using their two primary gears... slow and stop.
They go for a wash at the local water hole only to find a ginormous pile of elephant dung. Kim (Nana Thong) washes herself regardless... and Tom bitches about her washing in poop... mentions that he "tries to smell her but can't tell..." Can you imagine ol'sneaky ("sneaky" like a bull in a wallmart) leaning in to take the occasional sniff of Nana? Bet he unnerved her a few times.
Then it's Ethan's turn to bitch... seems ol'Tom has super-toe-de-stinky-itis and Ethan wants to burn the guys shoes. So he asks Tom to move his shoes... Tom picks them up from somewhere below where the two of them are resting and moves them to just above Ethans head. (nice).
Of course the fun never stops in the Kenyan wastes... Let's let the chicken out of the coop and chase it around for fun.
Next comes a little "tree mail"... what they get is a selection of letters from home. Seems that the producers hadn't filled the Crying Survivor quota so out comes the poems from loved ones etc. Everybody gets a little close up camera time while they sniffle, choke it back and outright cry. Everyone 'cept ol'Tom. He looks like he lets off a fart or two while he's reading his letters. Yup, there's a whole lotta emotion tied up in that ol'goat farmer.
So Lex's next prize... oops, I mean the reward challenge is this deal with solving a "Wonder Word" thing made of native words. Lex by a country mile... and for a prize? He gets this beautiful new deep blue Avalanche (Truck). it's loaded with medical supplies and he gets to drive his new truck to this local hospital and deliver "a years worth of med supplies" with a focus on the Aids Test Kits and a drug that pregger's Aids patients can take to reduce the chance of passing it on to the baby. K... this is all well and good, but it's a clear 15 minute segment on "look how freak'en great we are" for CBS.
Lex, of course, gets all altruistic about he whole thing... meanwhile the gang back at camp wanna rip his nuts off... they're all about pissing and whining Lex winning so much... OF COURSE they could have thought about this a while ago when he was winning everything and they had chances to vote his painted ass off the show!
So Lex's next prize... oops, i mean the immunity challenge...
Christ this guy wins everything and I think it stinks that the challenges are all alpha male centric...
Ok gang (and by gang I mean, an awkward, uncoordinated Teresa, an aging decrepit, visibly shaking Nana Thong Ass, a weakened slimmed down fat boy (Tom), a protein starved athlete (Ethan) and a wiry heroin addict looken dooode (Lex) lets have a challenge...
First, build the put-together-ladder and scale a wall...
Then, run across the big giant net thing and scale another wall, you know, the net that almost got Nana tossed last time it was used...
Then, (the single nominal cerebral moment) assemble a little puzzle...
Ok, now run through another physically challenging obstacle course...
And lastly, shoot the bow and arrow to set off the pyrotechnics behind the shield.
Yup, that's a fair game... lets see...
Last place? Teresa.
Second last, Nana.
Third last, Tom.
Fourth last, Ethan.
Not last, Lex. Come get yer necklace white boi.
The night before the immunity challenge, the night Lex got back from saving africans from Aids in his NEW TRUCK... the kids were all about scheming out their alliances... then smack-for-a-brain wins immunity and they have to start over. Teresa makes a good pitch, finally pulling out her "I voted for you the time YOU killed Kelli" card... and did a fine job of making Tom look like the bad guy... even had Nana nodding agreement and Lex hugging her... of course Nana and Lex are both evil lying bastards.
Council of Dump
The council was a blast... at least by comparison to the rest of this episode.
The jury walks in... Kelly has a shirt with the word "Shameless" on it... in reference to Lex calling expulsion the "walk of shame" last week... (that moment really sussed it for him ... there is no way he can win...)
Brandon has on a pari of shorts... remember he was in this ankle length wrap-skirt last week...
And FRANK? Frank is in a skirt... guess he borrowed it from Brandon. Can you just imagine the conversation - and the betting - that lead to him wearing the skirt????
The whole "look how tired, weak and stooopid this existance is making us" spiel is a really lame endorsement of the supposed values of Northern Hemisphere x(that is Rich/Have versus Southern hemisphere/Have Not) society. Frankly, it's dumb.
Speaking of dumb, the bone heads vote off Teresa.
Now there is simply noone left that deserves to win besides - maybe - Ethan. Of the crew that's left, he's the only one that hasn't been a backstabbing evil pile of elephant poop. :D
Edit: I forgot to mention two things...
~ Teresa lost her brother,... um 12 years ago, to aids. She was just bawling when she realized the reward included donating a bunch of Aids related med's to a local hospital. It really seemed like they (CBS) had hoped she would win that reward. It was a totally cerebral challenge and she should have done better.
~ when ... oh friggen WHEN ??? will an iteration of a reality show include participants capable of coining the mental process: "You are a big ass threat to me so I will knock you out of the game." versus the candy ass stupid as a post current process that all the shows seem to follow, namely: "Hmmm, gee, I don't like you... and even though you never win squat, you're weak, you're a goof, so I'll get rid of you and keep all these big strong peeps that will certainly knock me on my ass later." Ever since BB1 kids knocked Brat-ney out of their game the pattern has repeated and repeated...