Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor 3 : Update!

Survivor III : Update

Don't Drink The Water

Wherein we will meet the newest group of head-phuquees that teevee has laid before us in a none-too subtle offering to the ratings god. They will arrive, travel, and learn to hate in record speed. ...

Note: I really dig doing this... we'll see if I can keep it up for this series. My updates will never be posted the night of a show... the next morning is more like it. I do this to appease my own demons... and they are framed around the desire to diss, criticize and generally have-at easy targets. The crew is all new so a lot of this stuff will be based on first impressions. I reserve the right to be totally wrong and change my mind about everything... I will embellish, use swear words, and be crude... :D Run while you can! If you like this stuff... let me know! If you hate it... you can let me know too... and you can bite me.
Enjoy... corto.

Epi Quick Hit - The show in 75 words or less
Arrive, get a map, carry everything you can and get pissed off at whoever has the map. Frank's a serial killer and Tom's a grand wizard. Linda's got the black Africa card well in hand and Clarence is a cherry stealing, bean munching, face-painting candidate for the council of screw. Boran can't make fire for shit, let alone hold a lead... and Diane? You are the weakest link.

Best Quote
Serial Killer dude: "I spent nine months of softness in my mothers womb. Everything after that is hard." (can you say "psycho!")

Epi in Review
The new season of "starving white folk (with some black action meeting quota) getting messed around" kicks off with a boring - by comparison - launch. No scenic private yatch dumping the kids in the ocean, no Hercules transport doing a dramatic drop... Nope, basically a big ol'truck driven by a lone gun toting Army dude (looks like he just stole the truck) rousting them from the truck at the tip of an AK-47 then driving off with a "have a good day" out the window.

The Theme song and backdrop is either a nod to Africa or a shot of Southern California... lots of "native" dress and cranberry red short 'fros. Lots... lots! of hungry looking animals.

A review of the players, divided into their tribes, leaves us with some scary impressions... we have a soprano wannabee dentist... a serial killer looking telephone tech, a major tattoo boi, obvious druggies (they'll be looking for mushrooms), a couple of really good looking eye candy candidates... one of them is a deputy sheriff - good looking, birthmark on her lip and knows how to use handcuffs properly, wohoo... There's the default black American on each team, the requisite older person (key-riste! ol'Tom talks like a frigge'en grand wizard from Tennessee) and others... chief among the "others" is Ethan... the Vegas odds-on-fav to win (soccer player dude) who was tripping all over the place during the challenge... We'll get around to the rest...

They all made their way to camp to find dire warnings of predatory animals "A fire must burn all night and two tribe members must be awake at all times to stand guard". hahaha... Frank the Serial Killer is strutting around with a spear looking just terrifying.

Everything progressed as expected through to a "first night" fire quest and a competition.

The tribes are named after the names of actual Kenyan tribes… Samburu is blessed with Linda… who informed us that the rest of the players are not respecting the African heritage embodied in those names… She's gonna need some silver panties and good head-shaking finger-wiggle! (hi Alicia)

These guys are going to be the party kids for the first little while… although they'll have to figure out how to deal with Frank. He's just boss'en everyone around and playing the doom game on their heads.

I can't tell who yet… but one of these girls is all about saying "Oh my gawd!" constantly… wanted to throttle her after 10 minutes… please cast her out!

Eye Candy
They have two bartender boiz… Silas and Brandon… girlz? One's gay… you pick.
Lindsey is a net kid, and a cutie… :D
Kim… only brain on the team. (and a really big mouth of teeth… ) She found fire using the lens from a mini telescope - go kim!

No news yet… but the teaser for next week talks all about the quick alliance developments…

These are the weenies… no really. They blew the challenge because they just couldn't hold onto a lead… Half the team is extreme fodder! They're like a bunch of cartoon characters. Lex is topping that list… tattoos all up the arms and across his back (they look good). He's got a dozen piercings and, well, he just has a look on his face… I'm going to enjoy his comments.

Evil Do'er
Clarence is the big brawny black guy… he double dips this can of cherries that gets passed around when they're all starving for water instantly earning the displeasure of everyone on the team. Then, later, when the kids go off in hunt for water that they wont be able to drink - cause they can't boil it without fire… he helps poor stricken Diane… the postal worker that basically collapsed during the competition… Helping Diane involved opening a can of beans and eating it. D'oh… The totally called him on this and Ol'Tom the Goat Farmer / Grand Freaking Wizard all but started calling him a coon when it was his turn to be pissed off…
In the end… the team punished weakness and tossed Diane to the lions, electing to keep the Evil Clarence for his might! They will certainly discard him soon to punish appetite.

Eye Candy
Ahhh… Jessie. The deputy let her hair down for the "in uniform" shot from sunny Florida. I bet her boss is none too pleased… regardless, she looks hot and basically represents the only cheese-cake on the team. They'll keep her for a while. And, then there's Ethan… with a big mop on his head… and a John Boy Walton smile… somebody smack 'em. :D

Again… no news on the alliance front yet… next week…

Two things…
~ I swear a camera man tripped Diane during the forced march to camp… she wipes out with all this stuff… kinda funny (sorry, but really…)
~ These guys have to go and fetch water from these disgusting pools of queeb (yucki water) and boil it then drink it… Lets see… hot sun, hot water… oh man it is sooo going to suck to be them.


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