Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor XVIII Update!!

Survivor XVIII: Tempo Para Sofrer

TYSON = Freak Boy.

Where in... we get to watch Erinn do a crummy job of washing the Candace stink off her face, Gump catches some fish and Jeff gets them blindfolded and screaming ... again. Meanwhile psycho coach dude is contributing to the delinquency of his super freaky assistant coach boy-toy... and the sergeant-at-arms has a very sore tummy.

Survivor 18... in 367 words...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
So things kick off with a night vision recounting of Erinn trying to tell everyone she was only friends with Candy (the giant rack that was kicked off last week) because she was scouting her... in a mad and desperately failing dash to clean her rep. Sadly, she sucks at this. The kids at Camp Jalapeño are fishing for minnows that Gump (shrimp boy from Brokeback Mountain) will later use to catch a crap load of good fish... despite his camp-mates (pun intended) thinking he’s a tool for catching minnows. So one team's well fed, and the other busy planning who to hate next. This takes them to a Reward Game for comfy chairs and pillows. The game is the blindfolded campers getting yelled at by a sighted COACH that has to direct the sightless ones through a course. Stunningly, the team with "gods gift to coaching (and carrying-a-jacket-for-effect)" puts the girl with the crummy voice up as their "caller". She screams herself horse in the first few minutes so Team Jalapeno just wipes the floor with them. The winners and losers send the same two – Branden and Taj - to Exile Island (a big sand dune, apparently, doubles for and island in deep-woods Brazil) setting everyone up for a big angry pants moment when they realize the Exile’ers are plotting – but not before Benden finds a hidden idol. Back at Timone, Jerry the black "I was a sergeant in Afghanistan" dude has a tummy ache, and Tyson has decided to become Coach’s assistant... because that makes perfect sense out here in the back country of Brazil playing a dog-eat-dog game for a million bucks. They play Immunity by rolling giant blocks around to make a puzzle SLASH stair-case. It’s so flipp’en close ... but Jalapeño wins again... bwahahahaha. Coach is pissed. Worst of all is that Jerry is really hurting (tummy ache) so it looks like they’re going to send him home, saving Candy-stink-Erinn from certain death. This makes her smile... her smile makes Coach morph into an even bigger creepy freak boy with talking eyes and the ability to turn adjectives into existential states of being (see "quotes" below!). Oh, and they do send Jerry back to Camp Loser.

Most Memorable Moment
Hard to choose!!!
~ head-smack moment when the two blindfolded players bonk into each other...
~ when Coach tells everyone he can’t exist around evil...
~ or maybe it was just any moment when the camera lingered on Sydney?

Most Memorable Quotes!!
~ Coach: "I am so TRUE that I can’t exist around someone who has an evil smile..."
OMFG... I do not care if you kayaked the length of the pacific... you are a freaky freaky freaky girl-hating weird-o that I would tell my kids to stay away from. And you’re a soccer coach? Psycho. And for the record, "True" is not a state of being!!! dick.
~ Tyson, clearly trying to shore up his prospects for dating when the game ends: "I love seeing people cry when you crush their dreams." May you find great pleasure with coaches member down your punk ass throat... Psycho #2.

The winner...
Well... clearly NOT Sergeant Jerry.
Brenden has game... but I dunno if he has enough character to win.
It’s still pretty iffy.

The Pitt
(aka "Tribal Council")
Jeff just seems to dig dragging them out and making them fight. I think he might be Michael Vicks long lost white-guy-clone. He does manage to get Coach to say some crazy shit about "I told everyone with my eyes..." Gah! I swear... I can barely stand to hear Coach’s voice of see his face.

Two Things...
~ It would be nice if a meteor struck Coach... imagine the warnings at the beginning of the episode?
~ As long as Sydney doesn’t smile... she’s really pretty. :D

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