Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Amazing Race 13 Update!!

Amazing Race – The Special Olympics Reality Season

OMG!!! Read The FREAKING Clue!!

And they're off... and doing a fine job of letting the world know that white-folk can’t follow instructions unless God herself burns them into the fleshy bits of their arms. Sweet mother of mercy... and here we thought with the dumb-divorcees gone, their collective intelligence would have climbed, but no. From cow-costumes, cab rides, “talk’en to Huey” over a bowl of sheep-ass and breathing the same air as thirty thousand chickens... it’s a fine time in the land of Borat.

Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The show, in as few words as possible!")
Wake up in India... fly to BFE and then fly back to Kazakhstan! And – of course – it’s never as easy as all that. Our mental-olympians cab-it to the airport in India and end up on one of three widely separated flights that appear to fly all over the freaking place, in order to “connect back” to Almaty, Kazakhstan. And despite much air-port intensity among the racers... they all end up pressed up against the same chain link fence waiting for this chicken factory to open at 7:30 in the morning. They race for the clue box to find a Road Block, and a Fast Forward. Donny and Marie boot for the FF with Idiot Boy and Sarah hot on their heels... meanwhile, back at the chicken factory there are white people dressed in keep-the-poop-off-me suits, wading through thirty thousand chickens looking for one of seven golden eggs. Getting the egg, leads you to a big ass Crain Truck that you have to get to some remote hillside – of course, this is almost more than the frats can sort out... they get lost. Once at the hill, they have to run up and find a “Mongol warrior” who presents them with their next clue via the flight of a very cool falcon. This leads to a Detour which is basically a choice between doing this wicked hard-ass learning curve (musical instrument) thing and then begging for coin in a market square... or just doffing a cow-costume and running around in circles. Big giant surprise that the cultural ambassadors that were sitting with the musical instruments waiting to train the western-white-folk... spent their day smoking and drinking gross coffee. It was all about the cow-costumes. Back to the Fast Forward!! Donny and Marie sit down to eat a bowl of stewed sheep-ass and gag their way through. Terry and Sarah show up behind them... (Sarah earned her wings by letting idiot boy force the issue of trying the Fast Forward), sit down and Terry immediately begins barfing. Well, ok... he actually tries some, but he’s one of those whiney vegetarians that seems wwwway to proud of his veggy’ism. As expected, he eventually bails – but not until Sarah has finished off her bowl of ass – and leaves Donny and Marie to zoom to the mat and get their next first place prize from ol’Slappy. The rest, including a desperately behind T&S, thanks to his insistence that they try the FF, are all making their way to a puppet house to deck themselves out in a cow-costume, walk the streets, find this milk-vendor, drink some milk, read the clue in the bottom of the glass, then – as per the actual Detour-printed-clue, wear the cow costume to a market butcher and get their final clue which tells them to walk to the Pit Stop. Well... this only sounds easy because you’re not a mindless fleeb. The drag queen not only forgets to read the clue in the bottom of her milk glass – and gets dunked back one spot on the race leader board – she then goes on to take off the cow costume before going to the market ... and gets sent back to put it on again. (gah!!) Then the frat boys... who appear to be incapable of actually engaging another human in normal conversation to ask for directions (hence, their ongoing virginity) manage to get through the milk thing but then hop in a cab to find Slappy... and Phil just sends them back to the market to try again. The editors make it seem like this puts them in step with T&S but we all know better... Terry is now somewhere off camera telling Sarah to “blow on it”. Loser boy.

The Good
Yeah, pretty much everything about Dallas and his mom goes in the box labeled “Good”. Although his lame attempts to hit on Star do not seem likely to lead to a good tongue lashing but at least he’s trying. :) Oh, and Donny clearly enjoyed telling the drag queen that she really needs to be IN HER COW COSTUME to get her clue in the market... although idiot girl doesn’t listen and tries anyways... bwahahahaha...

The Bad
I’m sorry, but with a HALF MILLION DOLLARS on the line, I would not be all “careful” walking through a chicken carpet. Screw that... I’d be running down the rows screaming at the stupid chickens... they’d move, I’d get my golden egg and run back again. What-ever-the-hell these guys were doing... was totally not that.

The Ugly
Ok... the frat boys are not only as dumb as drift wood, they are hugely spineless. They make it to the gate at the chicken factory before it opens, defying the odds... then BOLT for the clue box and actually get the first clue out of the box (wohoooo) and then Donny simply PLUCKS the clue out of his hands to take it for his own. BWAHAHAHAHA... so frat-boy has to go back to the box and fight for another clue. Meanwhile, Donny is bolting for the Fast Forward with wonder-woman (Seriously, his sister needs a golden lariat so she can tie up Dallas and make him tell the truth).

The Exceptionally Pathetic
So the drag queen and her cheater husband are wandering the mean streets of Kazakhstan partially dressed as a cow... and they see four legs under another cow costume walking the same street. Her question to hubby? “Honey... do you think that’s another team?”

The Losers
Thank god... Terry and Sarah are gone. He stood there talking about how she’s the light of his life... and if they stay hooked up... she will suffer for the rest of what will likely be a short life. Poor girl.

The Winners...
Capt’n Paddle Mittens gives Nick and Star a pair of Wave Runners for coming in first... so they can add them to their vast collection of new toys and trips. Holy “winningest players ever”.

Big Winners...
Still WANT it to be Dallas and his mom, but it’ll be hard to keep the big money out of Nick and Stars pockets.

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