Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor XVII Update!!

Survivor XVI:

Herb Garden?

Where in... the kids play a Jeff-variant of hot-potato... with clubs. And they play gynormous jungle skeeball, face elephants and... and a useless "sizzling" bag-of-mostly-water goes one-step-beyond. Sugar reigns supreme, Crystal can’t catch a break and Bob catches an electro-fish.

The Sizzle
(aka "The Flashy Quick Review")
We join the motley crew at Camp Thong in time to see Ace boast that he’s got "sugar-in-my-pocket" and Crystal being all jiggy with the fear that Sugary-Snacks has the idol. (Well, d’uh... she practically lives on Exile!). Meanwhile, at Camp Fancy Pants, Orville Redenbacher catches an electric fish, Randy continues to be full-of-himself, and the gang is all about the wild elephant watching – sadly, no stampedes. Jeff calls ‘em together to play a reward game for a "Herb Garden"... (and if you’re good, maybe Jeffy will give you some doilies and a little gray-poupon). The game is this "toss the fruit through a window without the bad-guy hitting it with a stick" thing. The total amount of fruit that makes it gets weighed... and the heaviest gets the Herb thing. This goes to Kota after Thong spends the first half of the game kicking ass and taking names, (thanks 100% to Charlie and his throws-like-a-girl arms). Kota sends Sugar back to her "sugar shack" where she gets to recline in a hammock and chow down on fresh fruit, like she’s a total queen bee. Her words: "I'm definitely happy... and fat!". Back in Loser Land, Gee Douche-nozzle Sizzle is getting hard-core whiney and wants to go home to his mommy. In fact, when tree mail invites them to the immunity game, Douche-nozzle gets in a canoe and paddles away. Hahaha... He finally gets his pussy-self back to camp in time to go play Giant Jungle Skeeball. The Jeff-twist is this deal with a blindfolded player running block, following directions from a "Caller". Poor Ace is so busy trying to make sure he doesn’t look bad sucking at his blocking-job, that he gets nailed in the face once and lets the wrong "caller" tell him to "stop" - and therefore miss the winning skeeball. This sends Team Thong to the fire pit with Uncle Jeffy where he pretty much tells all of them that Sugar has the Idol. It’s a non-issue, seeing as Crystal already searched the Sugar-Packet, and they all know she’s got it. The editors do their best to make us think she’s gonna get blind-sided but we know Douche-nozzle wants out and ... they give him what he wants.

The Spit
Well first of all... have you ever noticed how defined Crystals face is? Perfect almond shape eyes, and a smoooooth face... Personally, I think she’s an alien. But the real story is Sugar. It’s like there’s three tribes... Thong, Kota, and Sugar-Pie. I truly hope Ace doesn’t screw her over... but sadly, I get the impression he’s going to put her away wet.

The Fire
. So at one point, Jeff actually says "Do you think having the idol is a problem?" (or something like that)... and it pretty much amounts to ... a whole lot going on at camp that they will never show us. Douche-nozzle looks like he’s about to cry and I can’t be rid of his sorry ass soon enough. Gah and ... ug.

The Shit
Were you expecting the elephant to charge their boat?
I’m not sure I understand the strategic value of the hidden idol or something because I cannot understand the rest of the tribes fear of Sugar having the idol. It’s only going to be useful a) if they put her up or b) when they merge. Don’t these people ever actually WATCH survivor? Season seventeen here... hello?

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