Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor 17 Update!!!

Survivor XVII:

Survivor In A Suit

Where in... we see that Jeff’s chick finally convinced him to toss the fricking denim shirts!!! Oh, and we meet eighteen more “ugly yellow bags of mostly fodder”. Names like Ace, Sugar… men in ties, women in hoochie mama dresses, gamers, lawyers, and – of course – pinup girls. The school yard pick’em handed Jeff a bucket full of script material and I gotta say… there are some choice foo’s on the grassy slopes of Gabon. Just what Africa needs… a room full of stupid white people… with a few tokens tossed in for good measure.

The Sizzle
(aka "The Flashy Quick Review, no relation to Mr. Gee Sizzle))
So the gerri cases get to start the team-picking and for some unimaginable reason, one team ends up with eight fleebs and a hottie, while the other one looks like the casting couch for the next Conan The Barbarian movie. “Fang” – sounds like Thong and “Kota”, which sounds like “Buff and kick your ass!” Jeff kicks ‘em into gear with a race-up-a-hill. Sadly none of the oldsters had heart attacks, so we have to watch their slow burn at camp. First one gets his head split open and needs stitches but he’s (Randy - 49) a total tool, so I’m not too chuffed about his damn head. Gillian, who appears to be about 260 years old is on the green mile, and while Bob The Builder (58) is well liked, they all have to contend with the fact that they are universally the most wimpy group of Survivors yet… except maybe for Ace, Dan, Marcus and Matty, but considering the tiny little brains of the group so far, the strong ones will all get tossed. Any-hoooooo team Kota is all happy-happy-joy-land, with young, strong, pretty, and sheep-lined-up-for-slaughter, Fang (sounds like Thong) is just fricking pathetic. Team Pathetic loses the next game – 6 tied together survivors doing an obstacle course and digging for puzzle pieces with 3 doing the puzzle… is a wash for Fang as they get their asses handed to them by Kota. They get immunity and fire. Thong goes to council and tosses out the only athletic girl on their team then goes back to camp to continue acting like retarded people. Jeff forces ‘em to pick a leader, so they force the kid (GC) to be “Leader Boy”. Meanwhile, over at Camp Ecstasy, Ace is doing yoga, and Marcus got his bad self a new pet… named Charlie-the-flaming-skinny-gay-guy. Thong manages to get through one day with Leader Boy before he quits that loser job and then they go lose another challenge. Roll-the-giant-ball. This gets Kota fishing gear, immunity and sends a Thonger to Exile. They send the only one with a healthy looking body. Sucks for him because he’s got the intellectual prowess of a rock and doesn’t find the idol. Team Pathetic goes back to council and tosses their old-lady (Gillian) over the cliff.

The Spit
Seeing an opportunity, Michelle – only cute girl on first edition of Fang – lets Gamer Boy Ken get his wood going. She instantly becomes his fantasy lover and we expect him to propose within days… sadly, they toss her ass out of the game… because … she can run, fight and be sullen. She has no confusion about her tribe, calling them all “Dorks” “I’m all boney, sleeping on wood.” “I stuck with dorks!”. She had such a nice ass…
Idiot boy Randy, endlessly being a dick about something or someone, smashes his head on a branch, in the middle of the night… so we get (lovely) super-night-video-zombie-maker footage of his head bleeding all over his face… weeeeeeeeee! And because they would have helped him, he says “I don’t have eyes on the top of my head!”. Wtf?
Dan gets some sound bite action talking about leadership at Thong, but he says some crap about his “management style.”… so we know he’s actually an alien that wears suits all the time.

The Fire
Jeff seemed quite taken with giving Fang the gears over being such amazing losers. And he hasn’t lost his touch when it comes to setting their teeth on edge around the “loser fire” and getting them to fight. “Hey… you rolled your eyes. Is there anything you want to say to so-and-so, just to see if they get pissed off?”
Fang stupidly tosses Little Miss Angry Pants (Michelle – hot girl on Fang) out because she wasn’t dancing around in the periwinkle… despite her athleticism and nice-ass.
Then they can’t pick between tossing Dan (the only real muscle on their idiot team) and Gillian. Fortunately for Dan, they toss the old lady out like yesterdays newspaper, sending her to camp angry with Michelle. I’m guessing they wasted no time what-so-ever dissing out the rest of Team Pathetic, over a beer and some decent food.

The Shit
I thought Randy was going to turn away from the giant ball and punch out Gillian. God, that guy is a dick!!!!
Charlie has semen permanently pasted to his tummy because he can’t seem to control himself around Marcus. I can’t decide if Charlie is going to start jumping back and forth over Marcus saying “what are we gonna do today Spike?” of if he’s just going to cave completely and start sucking his toes.
What the hell is with Dan and his tie? Or Crystal in her hoochie mama dress. Guys… come on… hurry up and go native for cry’en out loud!!!!

... so, do you want me to keep writing these?

* And did you catch the cheeeeeesy Star Trek reference?

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