This week in Big Brother 10
Julie and the Morphine Pump
Where in... another season of BB kicks into gear, with Reality Show Hostess Barbie... the animatronic Julie Chen Bot... still cracking away with her morphine pump and thirteen whack-a-moles waiting for the Chen Bot to bonk ‘em on the head with her big stick. Sock puppets, giant boobies, and a champion from the gay rodeo circuit. (wtf?) So far no special theme other than Julie glad-handing a studio audience on Boot Night.
Loser say what?
(aka "The weekly wrap in 60 quick seconds... ")
So in a dress recently stolen from Shakira’s wardrobe trailer, the Chen Bot gets us up to speed on the season-ten gang of house mats. She told us all about all of them but after seeing that giant tittie girl is called April (the most popular stripper name in America, btw) and that this seasons trendy representative of gays-unlimited is a Rodeo Champ... a whole bunch of brain cells jumped out of my ears and I couldn’t hear. There’s a Portuguese girl but the first thing we hear her say is "I’m Portuguese so I’m crazy." Weeeee. With her morphine pump firmly connected to her hand... Julie runs through an instant win of HoH for the old guy and then sends them into the house. Jessy has more muscle mass than three grade 8 girls gym classes and the brain power of the boys gym class. So, of course, he picks on the middle age woman. Renny is the fifty-something with the porn star wigs and a long memory of zippers tearing the flesh from her chin... and a weird desire to be obnoxious (did you see her nailing down that wine in the HoH room? LOL). She wakes up Jessy – who looks like a giant George Shrinks... let’s call him Shrinks (which is prol’y appropriate) and he gets some kind of needle in his ass going off on her for not being his door mat. This gets him and her up on the block first, after Mr. Magoo (Jerry) gets his first and last manipulation from Brian. Shrinks wins the Veto – crawling through a pool of actual honey and ripping apart feather pillows – and when it looks like Memphis-the-Mixologist is going up next, Olli-the-black-guy gets his ass handed to him by the girls as they dissect the alliances and decide that they want to keep Mr. Mixer. Brian’s many alliances fall – with Olli leading the charge as his only-play to save his big-round-bottom. Dan tries to call Olli on this (Dan is the guy that looks like Joey from Friends, except all hooked on meth) but completely goes off into la la land with this seasons first "I’d rather give up 500,000 dollars than break my word." Leading me to wonder what-the-bloody-hell he’s doing on a backstabbing game show for 500,000 dollars. Brian gets booted off... but not before he gets to make fun of himself in a sock puppet show that has a black sock (for Amos) and a giant boobie sock for April... much fun was made of many. LOL. Oh and there was even this major girl-on-girl action thing when Stripper Name Girl decides everybody is as untrustworthy as she feels and gives Keesha (Hooters girl... ) a hard time for talking to the boys... (like she was angry about Kegels talking to the enemy and not staying in the kitchen with April and her boobs.). Julie (pump pump pump) uses the Boot Night show to put Libra on the spot about abandoning her twin 5 month old kids to come on the show, and to let Mr. Magoo tell us again why he didn’t wear any military gear when he was busy breaking his word to Brian. (The Ollie crew – eight house mats – came to Jerry and told him to put Brian up "or else"). In classic "Oh, a whole bunch must have happened that they didn’t show us" style, the votes go out and come back as a block decision to fry Brian and keep Wig Lady. So he’s gone and it’s HoH time again... and the pile of ridiculous just gets taller with Shrinks winning the damn game to "guess what the majority of people would say". He will be insufferable.
"I looked into the blacks of his eyes." So apparently Amos is possessed by the Debbil. (and I forget who said it but I think it was Brian)
In one of any number of totally pathetic moments for Shrinks: "What were the dinosaurs like when you were a kid?" or "What are you? A hundred and forty?" His references to Renny (who seems to be channeling Gladys, Samantha Stevens’s next door neighbor). Shrinks would need a flashing neon sign to make it more obvious that he’s twelve.
Most Memorable Moment
It’s a toss:
Either you can’t get the image of April sticking her seedless watermelons into Jerry’s seventy five year old face... and putting his hands on ‘em to somehow prove that they’re real... and of course, he has to stick his foot in it with "Oh they’re real..." Like... what? You’re vast experience with the modern fake v. real thing comes from what part of your 50 year marriage? Please don’t tell me you have daughters...
The seemingly slow motion video of Gladys slogging through the honey pond... and the simultaneous desire to say "What are you doing here?" to your television.
Alright... we get it. Don’t try to win the game in the first week. Well... at least, we know Brian gets that. I can’t think of anyone watching this that wasn’t telling him he was going to go down in flames after his third sound byte about how he’s "running the house."
Oh, and if Gladys (Renny) doesn’t have some special skill... like cooking or something... her "I used to be hot now I’m just obnoxious" thing is not going to carry her very far.
K... you’d think I would want to go on and on about Brian – The Menza Warrior – and his gazillion alliance deals in the first three days – and how this completely burned his skinny white ass... but you’d be wrong... because that’s just tactics gone awry. No, this weeks Darwin award goes to Amos, as his black-history-month-cartoon-mug and sideways ball-cap was rendered speechless, pinching off a loaf of retarded to warm his pants, when Libra and April cornered him on his alliance with Dan and Brian. Oh my god did they ever nail his shrinking balls to his forehead or what?
Did Brian nail it by saying Memphis will take the cake when the Chen Bot interviewed him on the loser-couch? Or will one of the girls (Angie or Keesha!) simply eat all the boys for breakfast and steal the show? We should know in a week or two. :)
~ Jerry seems like a great guy... but he’s going to slip and fall and break a hip... mark my words.
~ If they would just dedicate an entire show following Angie around with a camera... I think I’d be good with that.
ps. are there any active BB 10 communities?