Amazing Race - The Retread Edition
The Monster Mondo Double Leg Episode
And they're off... doing their level best to get the heck out of dodge and find their way to Poland to meet Chopin, and no Kandice he’s not the real Chopin... he’s dead. We got Eric reaching for new heights in the land of bad-boyfriends, the poor little midget is screaming at Huey again, and the longest gap between racers ever... The longest night ends with the shortest Knight and the peels of laughter were legion!
Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The show, in as few words as possible!")
Zanzabar! A place to say goodbye to... but only if you can catch a flight.
~ everybody can fly to Warsaw on pre-booked flights or find something quicker. "Quicker" in Zanzabarian translates into ... seven hours in an airport. Oh fun!
~ find a dude in a wig playing a piano outside... and Detour to a music academy to tune a piano, or take a mannequin to an get an x-ray or six... either way, this leads you to a statue of a trippy ol Polish dude on a horse.
~ find your way to the finish line... try not to stair at Phil’s enormous hands and then head off to Auchwitz. Unless you’re Eric & D or the Guido’s... they’re still somewhere in north Africa trying to catch a connector to Poland. The works out for boobie girl and her dick-head of a boyfriend, but the old gay guys get "marked for elimination". The Pageants are way out in front...
~ Hook it up for an "Intersection" thing where they have to team up with another team "until further notice". Totally works against the Pageants as they get screwed waiting for another team to play with.
~ Fast Forward. Uchen and the Cubans tie for first on this leg thanks to the FF.
~ Everyone else? Screwing around with the Intersection... burning candles for millions of dead jews, and then ... Chow time with a plate of sausage. OMG... can that little troll honk it up but good!
~ Enough with the Intersection... and on to a Roadblock... dressing as a Knight and leading a horse. Stunningly, the midget ends up in armour... flailing around and getting her ass kicked by that horse. You know the horse was laughing on the inside.
~ The Fast Forward’ers literally tie for first, and the old gay guys come in seconds ahead of Boobs and Eric, but with a 30 minute "marked for elimination" hanging on them... they are officially boned and sent home.
Dustin... sigh. So remarkably "pretty"... and when she nails the piano tuning thing (she plays piano), she sets the two of them on the road to riches. Of course, getting on the first flight out of Zanzibar helped a lot.
And the BEST LINE EVER: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss California." Comes out of Eric’s pie hole as either Dustin or Kandice (can’t remember which one) pukes up a mountain of polish sausage.
Yeah, so most of them get weepy in Auchwitz, and it’s understandable... and don’t get me wrong... the holocaust was a terrible bit of history... but has anyone lit a candle for the ten million Tibetans that china killed in the last couple of decades? Four million more than the jewish slaughter. Anyways... they gay guys do the most cry’en... (imagine that) ...
Sweet mercy... Those freaking Armenian Nut Jobs are just the absolute end-of-the-story and the story is called "Stupid". If Myrna is not FREAKING OUT because she can’t find the parking break release in a car, or asking a cabbie "Do you like polish sausage?" (a euphemism for some fatcock if ever there was one) or saying "I’m having a heart attack" to a travel agent to get her attention, you’ve got the midget shoving a knife handle down her throat to make herself cack. I mean seriously b-b-barfing with all the glory of hacking noises your worst flu memories can bring to mind. Then there’s the bickering between them... with Charla just being sick of Myrna’s bitching... "no no... yell at me some more...". Then that sadistic freak Myrna gets Charla... still groggy from fifty pounds of sausage and eight hundred pounds of puke... to dress in the worlds smallest knight suit. The horse is several orders of magnitude larger than the shiny little stump and looks about ready to frigg’en die dead splat on the mat when they finish not-first-not-last on the second leg.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
No seriously... if Danielle has any brothers and their worth a dime... they’ll be at the finish line to kick the crap out of Eric. Calls her a bitch on national television and then does this childish "constantly say shut up" thing her in an airport. No seriously... she’s hopefully expressing honest doubts about him as boyfriend material.
Finally... after getting a non-elimination round... the Guido’s (the old gay guys) find themselves marked for elimination and then tossed at the end of the next leg. Glad to see their bi-polar, pencil-in-ass, attitudes get booted. Grrr.
First leg is the Pageants. They look hot, they did well and weeeee. Next leg? Uchen, his squeeze and the Cuban snuggle muffins hop on the mat as an "Intersection team”, (thank you Fastforward).
Uchen is doing pretty good in this race... even if his wife pulls some scary ass faces along the way. No seriously... did you see her bug eyed thing tonight? Pause, rewind, play, rewind, play, etc...
~ Myrna shouldn’t be allowed to drive... of course, that leaves the midget to drive the SUV....
~ ok... that's only one thing.