Amazing Race - The Retread Edition
Holy Stereo Type Blond Power!!
And they're off... touring around South America... San this and Puerto that, with Airport hi-jinx, cry’en old gay guys, angry midgets, and the fake Russian chick driving around in a bikini... but who are we kidding... it’s all about Amber and her monkey at this point.
Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The show, in as few words as possible!")
K, we’re in the valley of the dead... let’s get the hell out!
~ Drive to San Pedro, find a church, defile it with your sinners hands, and get a clue!
~ now fly to Puerto Mont Something and get to a fish farm!
~ oh, dick around in the airport for like... half the show so we can, once again, see smart folk on the first flight and dumb-as-posts ones on the later flight.
~ Roadblock at the fish farm, standing in a vat of gill-breathers and picking their slimy nasty selves up to see the next clue written on the bottom of the tank... unless you’re old, gay and incompetent... then you can light outta there after reading half the clue...
~ Detour is a choice between the cool rock wall climb or a bitchen white water ride down the river... hmmm ... let’s see... sit on a boat and hold on for a few minutes or bust my ass and wet my pants climbing a rock wall hmmm... can’t decide, can’t decide...
~ after they ALL do the white water deal, it’s Ramber for the win (gah!) and other actually intelligent players in 2nd and 3rd. With the dumbest blond pageant queens in the entire universe managing to come in fourth... twice! Then it was crazy followed by sweet-but-ozark-mountain-stupid... and it’s an elimination round for Kentucky. Off to see Rosie again and maybe get another truck.
Ol Cap’n Phil-of-the-hand, getting his bad self a little "He" midget for the finish line... and perhaps a wink and a nod later... we’re onto a night of midget juggling and hard drinking... er... wait, just thinking out loud. Pay no attention...
No really... "Good" would be how I feel as I watch ‘em all have their individual "Okay, fine... well it’s ON" moments. People people people!!! We’re talking about a half a million dollars... cold, hard, cash!! Get the heck off the pot and start racing!
Yeah, Blondie there... Danielle, and her inability to pick up a slimy fish. I mean... seriously. You’ve gone through soooo much to be on the show, let alone halfway into the actual race and you’re gonna be squeamish? Suck It Up!!
Oh man... like I’m EVER going to be able to let go of the image of Charla, Chuckie-incarnate, in her little frilled one piece bathing suit. And then ... they still have their local kidnap victim. "I give you fifty dolla... come... get in my car... come!" So Myrna leaves her bikini top on, Chuckie’s still in her flowery tutu, and this local dude in the back seat... probably scared shitless.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
Ok... how the heck can the Pageant Girls be this unbelievably stupid?
Not only did they just SKIP getting a clue and ended up on the White Water thing... looking for the clue in the river!. Bah! Phil had to send ‘em back to find their missing clue... (and they still came in fourth!)
So Kentucky is gone. They had the biggest hearts in the game... no question... but the very tiniest of brains... combined.
And, surprise, surprise... Ramber’s in First again. They just actually use their brains instead of sitting on them.
No clue... but perhaps I can get there by process of elimination!
RAMBER must die.
Myrna and Chuckie... again... die die die...
Old Gay Guys... oh piss off... and nice wimpery cry there while you were driving.
Young Gay Guys... um... well, if you were kinda smarter... ! but possibly.
Pageants... sorry but you’ll either kill yourselves or get lost or something... die!
K, that’s half of them... so, somebody from the rest...