Amazing Race - The Retread Edition
Oh look, it's US, again.
And they're off... tripping over themselves to live up our worst expectations. Holy stereotypes batman!! There's a brand new million on the line and eleven teams of retreads screwing around trying to not be one of the ten looser teams. We got double gayness, a token black couple, and look... old people. Everybody else is pretty much snipped out of a magazine somewhere....
Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The show, in as few words as possible!")
Ol'Capt'n Big Hand is at it again... with another giant chopping motion, his scary hand starts another global mad dash for the cash.
~ Grab your bag... and fly to Ecuador. Two flights, and this deal with the earlier flight taking the slow route. It screws the players with the fewest actual brain cells. Hi Kentucky... hows that car The View gave you?
~ Find Pims – a restaurant – and get one of three "departure times", pig out and crash on a cot and laugh at the guys that come in last.
~ Get to Cotopaxi national park... big park... and they even tell them to use the north entrance.... sheesh. The brain cell issue comes into play again.
~ Detour with a futile search of a big ass field for bits of a uniform... or make like you're actually helping as some native rancher dudes hack off oversized horse hooves and cut a lump of hair off the mangiest horse you've ever seen. They all do the horse thing... ‘cept Ramber who only does it after discovering the latest definition of "futile".
~ All done... climb the hill and find Big Hand on a ledge with another native dude that can hardly speak, let alone say "welcome to Ecuador."
Ian... the old guy / gal team... is totally Earnest!! Like, from those kids movies. The guys gonna give good sound-byte!! :D
Oh, and the prom queens er... beauty queens, from last race, are back... and that's counts as a good ... Now all we gotta do is pray for some midget versus beauty queen wrestling. I mean, doesn't everybody fantasize about that?
Ok... After the experience of the previous race you'd think Mirna would have learned to drive a fricken Stick. I mean... holy crap man! And I swear to you that Myrna and Charla are alien life forms. They got themselves a local helper in Ecuador... a guy named Juan who turns out to be a local idiot and they end up at the South Entrance to the park. Bwaahahaha... "So Juan? Do you have any midget fantasies?"
Oh man... Peter Griffin, if you're here, please fall on the road and make that "Shhhhhhhhh... Ahhhhhhhh.... .SSSSSSShhhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhh" sound holding your knee. OH MY GOD... the two bald guys? They're like what you get if you did a mash-up of Fester and Peter Griffin. I thought he was out completely when he tripped on the road. But driving the off-road-national-park adventure on the flat ... and then the rim... gah! I bet ol Big Hand was pleased with that.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
"I mean I wouldn't want to race against any of these people, but anybody would want to race against us! Because, we're like... totally special... and like... famous. It's because I'm so good looking. Here... I give all my fans a little bag to catch their throw-up in." No shit... I mean, Ok, she only said the "... but anybody would want to race against us." Part... and man, could they have made her look more conceited and icky? Ramber has to go! (Of course, they'll likely stay long ‘nuf to get us good and mad at them... :D)
"Former couple"???? WTF IS THAT? A team of a "former couple" because CBS couldn't find a team from 10 seasons that had a hot girl who was still part of an actual "team"??? Bah... a pox on you two. Oh, and they Enter The Park from the south side too and lose totally. She was sure bummed when The Hand told her to go home and cry.
Gah... Ramber wins leg one and they get a trip and we get to see the Travelocity thing with the woman giving the garden gnome a massage. (always makes me laugh. – I blame that Amilie movie).
My guess ... well, I'm hoping for Earnest but if it's the guy and girl that are "now a loving couple" blending two teams from some other race... which will translate into the editing room slamming her on the screen running someplace or other every week is ok too.
ps. Hi again. :D