Survivor XIII: Race Wars
The Finale, aka "Pack Yer Bags White Boy
Where in... we get a nice reminder of what nut job that Billy guy was, endure the "fast forward'able" walk of fame thing, get two outstanding challenges, and the most pathetic moment in the tie-breaking-history of the world.
Survivor 13... in 13 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Lets play "do you remember" for a while then it's off to Immunity #1. Big ass jungle gym and a killer puzzle that Ozzy snags... d'uh. This spells the end of days for Adam (the last white man standing). Immunity #2 is a "stand and deliver" thing that puts the final four on raised platforms to balance on an ever shrinking foot hold. Ozzy again... And then ... the two worst fire makers in the history of Survivor sit down to face off in a break-the-tie initiative. Becky finally wins... but not before proving to the jury that neither of them should be allowed to win ... because they can't make a fricking fire! It's down to Yule, Ozzy and the official third wheel, Becky. The jury votes and back in television city, Jeff reads out another close call that Yule wins (by one vote).
Thirty-seven days in, and the final five get to play! It's immunity #1 and it's a honker. With eight difficult paths to navigate or balance on (giant jungle gym time) and a record breaking "hard" puzzle, they separate the warriors from the belly-button-lint. (Jeff called the puzzle the hardest ever in 13 seasons) Adam... that last member of team whitey, faces off against the last black, hispanic and a pair of asians. (tipping a nod to Alvin Tofler) It's close... Adam can taste it... but The Machine (Ozzi) takes it in the nick of time. Pack yer bags whiteboy! Despite his reasonable effort to alert Sundra and Becky to the notion that they have no win-strategy with Yule and Ozzi in the game, the votes go in and out with Adam off to camp loser. Jeff did his level best to stir that pot too but, nope. The Aitu Four celebrate their great success and I press fast forward through the "walk to remember" crap with the torches, and then it's final jeopardy. The last game is all about balance. The "shrinking perch" is a stand on this platform Jeff describes as "custom sized for your specific feet" and every fifteen minutes you pull a tab to drop a section of the perch. After an hour, you're on a square, half as big as a postcard, three feet in the air, over 4 feet of water. Dude!! Ozzy had these "oops" moments and seeing him recover from them... was like watching magic. Becky tossed first (45 mins), then Yul (60 mins). Sundra and Ozzy go at it for two-and-a-half-hours!!!! Wwwwwicked. Sundra bails – of course – and the machine wins again. Now what? Who to chuck? Yule offers Becky – his long time secret solid alliance – the hidden idol, and Ozzy recommends they force a tie and let the two girls sort it out in a tie-breaker challenge. After much dramatic build up (re: idol idol, who's got the idol) we find out that Becky demurred on Yule's offer, so they end up in a fire-making tie-breaker competition. It starts off well enough... two twig teepees go up and then they start flint smacking at a bit of coconut husk "fur". Twelve years later... no fire. BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!! Dies ... dies laughing. (actually, it was only 1 hour, but still!) Jury is falling asleep, Ozzy and Yule are having heart attacks, and Jeff? He's sick of this shit so he gives ‘em both a book of matches. Sundra blows it with her matches, so we sit and watch while Becky gets hers big and done. :) So Sundra is tossed and manages to instantly become the best looking woman on the jury – on Cook Island and in the studio – although that studio Sundra was very Diana Ross like. More drama and we get to watch as Becky receives the most rock solid diss ever handed out in television. Five votes for Yule, four votes for the 12 year old Ozzy and no-votes-for-what's-her-name.
Jeff, at the second last tribal council... "You're going to have to turn on each other. It'll be fun to watch it play out!" ah yes... Jeff the sadist we know and love.
Most Memorable Moment
Easily the most memorable moment in this show was all of the moments that Sundra and Becky could NOT light a fire... after 39 days at camp... they had to be handed matches... and even those proved to be a challenge! Sigh... that was good comedy.
There was no doubt in my mind that Yul would be money boy... but Ozzy sure had the audience on his side.
~ So Team Noir ends up carrying on some shit about not having one another's back. Typical. Dear Stephanie... shut yer pie hole or are you gonna get yer gang to beat up Nathan's gang?
~ Holy crap man... Ozzy looked like a tiny little kid on stage. That boy looked wwwway better with the face hair. :)