Survivor XIII: Race Wars!
It's Ugly Time
Where in... the PAC (Parvati, Adam, Candi) sandwich breaks a nail getting off it's collective ass long enough to start a bitch and whine session that carries right into Jeff's Fire of Fun and Adventure. Three people, it seems, that were born to suffer... and to deserve every moment of it.
Survivor 13... in 13 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Jon on Jon "I'm a complete bastard" and the PAC is all in his face. Miss Never Cleaned a Fish (Mattress-back Parvati) makes reference to barf'en on his face... so yeah, whatever. It's the Auction epi with Jon Jon soaking up the lions share of the food, Parvati soaking up the eyeballs as the universe conspires to have her take a bath in front of everyone, Candi soaking in her own tears on exile thanks to a spell that Becky bought and then it's on to immunity. Answer me these questions three, then three move on the do it again with Jon looking slightly insane, (edit: Candi was looking like a castaway, but Parvati moved on) and ... Adam looking like a winner. Now it's all about claws and anger back at camp chaos... as lazy gets it's just desserts. Jeff just presses button number one and they all go off at Tribal Council, then they nail Candy. She sucks Adams tongue out of his throat, Jeff comments on the coy, she smiles and Jeff follows up with "if it was love, maybe he'd have given you the necklace."
A nice overdose of trippy low light video filled with "who they hell are these people" moments as Parvati say's she wants to barf on Jon's face. Such a sweet girl. Sundra and Ozzy are under the radar as Jon draws focus from the "clown house" (remaining Raro's). Jeff tries to toss ‘em a bone with the auction but luck would have Jon Jon getting two meals (not allowed to share the food), Becky getting a "go to exile" spell – that she casts on Candy – hahahaha, and Parvati? She "wins" a piece of chocolate cake to eat while taking a bubble bath... in front of everyone. Somebody buys some sludge, but it's all over except for the "lets whine about Jon being arrogant" vibe that sets in across the tribes. He clearly doesn't give a rats ass. The editors toss in some uber sickening Eel barfing up half a huge fish for excitement and the we get to watch Candi crying on exile island again. Immunity is this game of "answer three questions, get a key, unlock something and ... move on to round two. Three do it in round two (Jon, Parvati and Adam) and Adam takes the prize. He could not a) look any more like a retard and b) look any more like a cliché Arian pure... Didn't Frank'enfurter blow this guy every Friday night for a generation? Back at camp, it's Adam in the sack with Thing One and Thing Two, while Jon Jon and the crew get down with some food. This leads to Candi going on a bitch fest over them not sharing – which earns her derisive laughs. She goes ape shit, calling out Yul, who remains calm (of course) and Jon just lets her have it. Blink! We're at tribal council and Jeff is just has to prod them once and away they go pissing all over the place about Jon This and Jon That. Nathan acts like a dick head in the jury box (he's not supposed to do that is he?) and the gloves just stay off as they all call each other out on all the shitty things they've been doing. Oh, Yul gave it up about the not-so-secret-immunity idol at some point, so he's not only sitting pretty, everybody else knows it. Raro doesn't have the votes... Candi is toast... and when she tries to suck Adams appendix out through his mouth with a parting kiss, Jeff snuffs her torch and points out that if he really cared he'd have give'en her the immunity necklace. Bwahahahaha... psych!!!
Most Memorable Moment
Jon letting off one monster horrible "I just ate a whole pizza" burp beside Parvati and walking away. HAHAHAHA!!! She was gagging.
(aka "Tribal Council")
Oh my god... what a bunch of kids. Jeff hardly has any work to do this time... they all go for the jugular right off the bat, as Candi plays it up to the Jury on what jack off Jon Jon is... Meanwhile, she's getting her ass burned and there's nothing she can do about it.
Yul. It will be a real pity if he gets knocked out by some weird twist of fate. He's totally "the dude" in this game.
~ no really, what the hell is with Nathan on the Jury?
~ how on earth did they rig this so Parvati would win the Chocolate Cake and Bubble Bath thing? Hahaha...