Survivor XIII: Race Wars!
Where in... the campers chow down on buckets full of fish, and there’s a giant "local" feast as well. Remember the emaciated survivors starving in earlier seasons... yeah, that’s not these porkers.
Survivor 13... in 13 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Hi, I’m Jon... I am a moron. And I will slave away like all get out and maybe these guys wont fry my sorry ass. Meanwhile, Adam is sucking on Candy’s fingers... Reward is for food, and the well oiled Aitu machine easily tromps Team Nimrod. Raro is not amused. Candy goes back to exile, to cry and not have her fingers sucked while freaky tribe dudes lay it on thick, and tribe-dates lay it on thicker. (ar ar). Immunity is a hard ass game of swim, dive, collect, and puzzle... and Aitu steps up, yet again. Rebecca just about bursts into tears as she heads to the jury and Jeff pulls a fast one, making them fry two. Jenny gets wicked mad, but goes just the same. Two women who will never ... ever... vote for Candy to win shit.
Day 22 opens on Raro’s gimp... climbing trees for fruit, crawling the lagoon bottom for fish, and washing the gunk out from between the collected Raroian toes. Jon’s panicked and rightly so... jumping ship on his mates because... well for no actual reason, and standing before the Raro tribe like a giant cold sore at a sweet sixteen party. Reward is a compass reading / digging game that ends in yet another puzzle. For some reason, Raro all showed up to play after taking stupid pills and were either arguing about which direction was what, or were digging like they thought they might break a nail. Meanwhile, Aitu is driving through their challenge like someone’s holding a torch to their asses. They kick ass and toss Candy to the exile again... and laugh about it. She’s demoralized completely and does a little crying thing. It’s perfect for Aitu... she gets exiled and Jon gets pariah’ed. And while Raro wallows, they head off to meet freaky tribe leader dude shaking his sticks and welcoming them in his native language – which apparently only has words you scream. They this whole gang of tribes people are there and bring’en on the food. They all kinda looked like the late shift at some tech Call Center... "Hello, this is Jeffery, how can I drive you crazy today?" Edna and Burtha, from User Support, aka grass skirt tribe lady one and two, are seriously heavy-set women. They lay into Yul ... they all but straddle his face. I’m talking full-on body snuggle, till he is on-the-ground!. Never-the-less... Aitu eats mightily and is invigorated. Immunity is all about swimming out, diving down, collecting things and puzzling away... and again, Aitu dominates. Raro pulled up from an crappy start, but not enough. Wow are they pissed. Hahahahah... sucka! Raro (losers) gets a message, sealed in a bottle, from Jeff, to be opened at TC. They toss Rebecca to the curb, and she’s hurt... but the message tells ‘em to fry another, and this one – Jenny – is some pissed off! Both head to the jury to join Brad.
"Who knew a Jew could climb a tree..." (as Jon slaves) and d’uh. I bet Jews can run and skip too.
Lamenting the loss at Reward, Parvati sums it all up with "Oh my god! How do they keep doing this?" - and the answer is? Because Raro dicks around like complete mental incompetents during the competitions. Holy short bus batman!
And Candy, once again camping on Exile and eating disgusting bug things... "It’s not nice to know that people you like want to see you suffer!"... and then she cries.
Quick... call the Academy.
Most Memorable Moment
Remember in The Goonies... when the little fat guy has to do the truffle shuffle on the tree stump? Yeah, well two fat, grass skirt wearing, trippy tribe gals literally knock Yul down to the ground as the body snuggle SLASH truffle shuffle him in a little Yul sammich; one slice of Yul, between two slices of electric-freaking-jello! Dude was in a nutrition coma at that stage so he was having the time of his life.
(aka "Tribal Council")
Sweeeeeet! Adam, dreaming of coughing up morning-after candy-fur-balls, is clearly smitten. He knows Jenny is gunning for his Buddha so he lets Candy know Jenny would have to go soon. Oblivious, and remarkably useless, Rebecca was the popular fav for chuck’en to camp loser, and Jeff invites ‘em to do just that. But, ever the trickster, Jeff opens the top-secret-bottle to reveal the requirement for a second chuck’en to take place. This is where Jenny is sure Jon or Candy is about to go and wwwwwhhhhammmmm! She gets a full on body slam in the ego and heads to the jury as one pissed off little non-winner!
Oh Yul is still looking like rivers of gold and mountains of silver. Ozzy is fun but when the voting comes down, if Yul is against anyone, he’s a shoe in.
~ what the hell was Candy eating on Exile island? Holy yuck!
~ Jon’s next, if Raro goes back to TC.