Survivor XIII: Race Wars!
Christina's Crummy Day
Where in... a little salt is rubbed into the open sore on Christina’s ego, and Captain Stick In Ass, Adam, gets her cry'en... Cow-Pie just can't help being creepy and Jeff? Well a little of that Dom thing slithers into place as he sets the kiddies upon one another in something just south of a fricking cage match that has cop girl krag maga'ing away on the anxious asian, Smack Boy Ozzy gets clawed by a Sasquatch and ... with no-choking and no hair pulling, Christina figures the next best thing is Jessy-Roller-Ball's pants anywhere but on her skinny ass.
Survivor 12... in 12 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Christina's bummen, Cow-Pies in love with the idol, and Jeff appears to have a lovers quarrel and takes it out on the kids. Reward is a two-on-one beating bonanza thing dragging opponents away from a pole with a lot more than kicking and screaming going on. Candy kicks ass, Ozzy gets the crap kicked out of him, and Christina goes all angry cop on Becky and then hungry lesbian on Jessica. Aitu kicks Raro's ass - thanks in the main to the Candy-girl, so they get the Lamb ("whaaa? they don't eat meat? s'ok... we serve lamb!"). They also get to kick someone off, as does Team Loose-A-Lot Raro. Coa-Boi and Christina take the fall and Jeff was a happy little Host.
So home from Tribal after chucking Steph and ragging on Christina about how annoying she is, team happy (Raro) enjoys a little late night fire to scorch what's left of Christina's beaten psyche. Arian Adam slips on his Club Dick Head membership ring and goes at Chrissie till she leaks, and then they crash. Morning at Camp Aitu finds Cow-Pie doing his level best to be a freak-a-zoid with his new found religious connection to the stupid wooden immunity idol thing and ends up in an argument with Alan Alda about bringing it to the Reward game... and despite his big talk, Alda was only worried that bringing the idol would make them all look stupid-by-proxy, being on the same team as Loony Toons Idol Lover and all that. But screw all that... Reward is where the fun is, so let’s get right to it... Jeff shows them a pole... about the size of a parking meter. The idea is that, in gender segregated bouts, each team puts a player on the pole, and the opposing team sicks two warriors to drag said pole-holder to a line-in-the-sand some twenty paces away. Kind of a terrifying mock up of a "bar fight that spills onto the street out front" thing. The cycle is repeated and it's something like "first team to drag three back" wins... Candice sets the pace with a performance that had tree huggers everywhere wetting their pants, putting up a fight that lead Aitu to victory. Meanwhile Christina... Cop Christina, gets an against-the-rules choke-hold put on her and we get a second or two of her putting her aggressor (was it Becky?) down with a "I can kill you now or later" cop take-down move and reminds her... of the rules. She then proceeds to quite literally yank away at Jessica’s pants to pull them down... clearly giving in to some of her pent up cop fantasies. Ozzy takes a seriously vicious beating - I saw one face plant from three feet up with a body slam chaser - and has outstanding claw tracks across his throat to show for it. Winning is a poor name for the results...as both teams are to go to Jeff’s fire pit and kick someone off, proving once and for all that loving the crap out of your stupid wooden immunity idol does not keep you safe from Dom Jeff! Aitu, winning the game, gets to go and kick someone off first then sit down to bbq lamb shank feast and watch Loser Team Raro do their kicking-off bit. For fun and excitement, Aitu gets to import a Raro-ian, pre-vote, (possibly saving someone in jeopardy) and has to keep him or her till the next game. Aitu chucks the nut bar Cow Pie, who laments "I should have known better than to trust an asian." (He had hatched a big ol'plan... Plan Voodoo, to take out Jonathan, and "expose the hidden immunity idol" and clearly, despite it being a good plan, everyone else just humored him.) After uselessly pulling Nathan over to join in their lamby feast, Aitu watches as Raro completes Christina's "very bad day" with a "don't let the door hit ya on the way out" vote.
Jeff, during the Fight'en Game: "Christina is trying to pull off Jessica's pants!" and under his breath you could, maybe... just possibly... hear him saying "come on ... .come on..."
And after he gets nailed to the cross, Coa-Boi comments "I should have known better than to trust an asian."
Most Memorable Moment
Damn... the whole Reward Challenge. Totally raw and some seriously vicious moments. Dudes, it's only been 14 days!!!
(aka "Tribal Council")
Jeff brings in Aitu and after an afternoon of Cow Pie hatching big plans to fry Jonathan, and give two girls equal "extra votes" to control who may go home... they all sit down and chuck Coa-Boi. bwahahaha... They sit and chow down on lamb while Raro comes in and talks a big talk about who's right and who's wrong... and then? They all do what Adam wants and they fry Christina.
I don't know who deserves to win yet... but I'm liking Candice for the part of Tenacious Woman when the musical is cast. Note however, that I did see her mouth the phrase "I love you" to someone ... likely forgetting the impact she had on Mr. Headed For Years Of Therapy Hispanic "My culture is Metal" dude.
~ See ... I know Coa-Boi is a nut case, but I think Jonathan was being selfish and stupid when he gave CB a hard time about wanting to bring the immunity idol all over the place.
~ Nice fuzzy video moments during the brawl... hahaha...
(extra points for naming the movie from the quote)