Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

true story:

Yesterday morning.
I hop in the car with a small mug of coffee...
The car is a stick shift... this becomes important later.
The coffee mug fits nicely into the "car cup holder".
Pop in a piece of gum for the drive.
I head to starbucks to buy a "grande mild" that will, in all likelihood, last till 10:30 or 11:00 in the morning.
It waits in the "other" car cup holder while I drive to work.

I decide I don't want the gum now, but I will want it later ...
So I plop it on the plastic cover of the Starbucks coffee and... drive on.

Sip sip sip from my coffee mug...

As I get closer to work... off the highway and navigating the downtown core ... just a few major intersections to go.
Waiting to turn left at a stop light...

I decide I want the gum.

(sigh)

I grab it... and it adheres firmly, and warmly to my finger and thumb.
It's practically liquid gum from all the heat coming off the coffee...
Yes, I should have realized this... but ... I had my stupid hat on.

I pull my hand away, and the gum - which has no intention of letting go of either the cup lid, or my finger and thumb - stretches out in a long thin line.

Ack... I return my hand to the cup lid and try to get it off me and back on the lid.
No dice.
More gets stuck to me.

Green light.

MUST SHIFT...

Right hand, with three distinct strands of warm gooy gum stretching back to the cup lid, grabs the shifter and pushes it into first.
And I have to turn...
So I reach for the wheel.

The spider web of sticky, yucki, gooy gum extends from the shifter to the wheel.
And I'm hand over hand turning left and ... spreading gum everywhere.
And I'm yelling things like "ahhhhh" and "shhhhhhhhhhhhit!!!"

I try once more to get it unstuck with the lid, and achieve sticky lines 4, 5 and 6.
A receipt from something blows up from the passenger seat and gets stuck in the web.
It's now a Jerry Lewis movie...

and I have to totally ignore it until I get somewhere to stop and ... unstick EVERYTHING.

THAT WAS THE VERY LAST TIME IN MY LIFE I WILL TRY AND SAVE THE FRICKING GUM.
evah!!!

gah!
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