Survivor XII: Exile Island!!
Where in... our restless cub scouts play with dolls and piss each other off, keep-on fry'en the Jet Man, and get to enjoy the singular pleasure of Shane’s company... Meanwhile Shane reverts to his natural state, as a bratty six year old. Bruce, however ... dies. Oh! and we get to see Enema Man!
Survivor 12... in 12 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Camp Constipation and their stopped up leader, Brucio, are all together in their desire to off Jet Johnson. Reward is all about a night at the spa - with two friends - but you first you have to play "Let's Make Courtney Feel Like Excrement". This goes well, Cerie gets her first reward, and Shane totally embraces his inner SUCK when she doesn't pick him to play Spa Time. Courtney begins to melt, Shane stays naked and Captain Butt Plug is evacuated to enema central (and right out of the game). So... he doesn't see Shane assault Courtney and begin his Dr. Evil like plots against the human horseshoe... Cerie. Jeff pops in to say "no more Brucio" and it's over man.
Its day 25 and the show kicks off with buzzard images... Jet Johnson is facing stiff competition from EVERYBODY else although the little guy in the corner of your screen guzzling water strained through a couple of dirty sox? Yeah, him... he's busy dying from constipation. They all get creepy looking dolls in creepier looking little coffin boxes as the kick off to a reward game... They sit about and "decorate" what looks like a bunch of voodoo dolls. The game is all about causing trouble and Jeff must have been laughing till he pee'ed his pants on the way back to base camp. Everybody had to fill out little surveys and then line up to guess what he or she thought "everybody else" said in response to certain questions... Fun things, like: "Who never shuts up?" (Courtney) "Who mistakenly thinks their running the show?" (Shane) and my favorite, "Who is the most annoying?" (Courtney) They have to listen to this stuff being said... so you can imagine that C-girl feels about 2 inches tall when it's all said and done. Cerie, magically, wins the game - which involved "get the right answer and you get to hack away one of three lines keeping so-and-so's doll from going up in smoke. Jet Johnson’s dolly burst into flames way first. :D Shane was acting like he was going to set fire to the homes of whoever chopped one of his lines. When Cerie won and picked Aras and Boobie Girl to accompany her on an overnight Spa Extravaganza, Shane just about asphyxiated himself, choking on his death wish for her. Oh, and Horseshoe girl sends Terry to Exile island for fun and excitement. Courtney, Bruce and Shane go back to camp to watch Shane sulk but seeing as everybody just called her El Shit Girl, we get a whole bunch of Courtney sulking too. Bruce, the man with the cast iron sphincter, tries to sleep but ends up praying for death in the dead of night. Courtney wants to sing for his poops, as any self respecting "Most Annoying" girl would. Emergency guy shows up carrying what I thought was an eighty seven gallon enema machine on his back, turned out to have a full med kit instead and started thinking it was Bruce’s appendix (it wasn't. His colon and bladder were basically "seized"... mr. sock-strainer pays the piper!) and they cart him off... but he needed Shane’s help to carry the stretcher and ... ugly bird man Shane, says "well, I'm not putting on clothes!" and we have to watch fuzzy video of him bearing a well doped up Bruce on a stretcher to the rescue boat. The next day... sans Bruce, finds Shane and C-girl striking a deal ... but it ends with Shane actually telling her he's gonna come to her apartment and KILL her if she goes back on her word. (ahhhhh!) Cerie, Aras and Danielle had a great night of feasting, laughing at Courtney and getting a mud massage - although massage dude doing Danielle appeared to have just come from a major domestic dispute with his wife... because he was taking something out on Danni girl. They come back to camp constipation to see Jeff arrive with Jet Johnson and they all get the final word on Mr. Butt Plug. He's not coming back, there's no immunity game, no tribal council and we're all hoping Bruce can come back and be Jury Man.
Jeff: "Who is the biggest poser?"
Courtney: "Um... what's a poser?"
Jeff: "and the answer to 'what's a poser?' Courtney... would be you!"
Faced with the what looked to feel like the very end of his life, Bruce writhes in the dirt at Courtney’s feet... agony etched hard into his face and she says... (I shit you not) "If I sing... will it help?".
No really... then he says "NO" and then ... SHE STARTS TO SING and he pleads with her to stop...
Um... Annoying much?
Alone with Courtney, Shane proposes a truce and a pact to bind them... she agrees and then he morphs into Bundy or something and says "if you're lying... I'll drive to your little apartment ... and I'll kill you!" ... she kinda stops and stares at him, clearly evaluating the depth of his insanity. He tosses a "just kidding" out like that helps but dude... the damage is done. She should have him busted off the show for being... INSANE. But then they'd have to take her "singing to the dying guy" self out too.
Most Memorable Moment
ok, I know it's totally gross, but the image I can't get out of my head from the show was this pose thing that Flip-Chart Shane was striking... with what's left of his pants riding low in the front, he's sticking his boney gut out and ... well... he looked like one of those glass-bird-filled-with-red-water things you get that bobs it's head into a glass of water? No seriously, he looks wicked ewwwww!
Well... it ain't Bruce!
Terry is still Captain game boy... especially with Shane slipping so deeply into his Crazy Man vibe, and how the hell is Cerie still here?
~ sorry, but only truly crazy people tell you they are going to come and kill you then toss in a "just kidding".
~ next week? Looks like Jeff gives someone a cell phone and the Madness of Shane deepens as he does some shtick with a bit of bark calling it a blackberry - complete with Looney "ding" sound effects from the editors.
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