Survivor XII: Exile Island!!
The Tara Reid Edition
Where in... Jet Johnson continues to be deluded, Shane becomes even more unibomber, and Cerie lets herself forget that she's one lucky fricken fat girl to still be on this show... Terry's secret idol is practically on ebay and there's wheel'en and dealing going on... to what end, we're just not sure... but Courtney still wants to see Shane dead and Terry still doesn't realize this.
Survivor 12... in 12 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
It's raining in Gitmo and Jet Johnson is gently sipping a big steaming cup of fuck-you from the Casaya kids. It's two tribes... one camp, and for some reason Shane continues to draw breath. Everybody plays with their nuts for reward, giving them to one another and dragging them around. Sally, Arys and Brucio do this better than anyone and get to sit in the rain eating choco croissants for their trouble. Oh and they sent Danielle and Austin to snuggle in the rain on exile island. Meanwhile Jet Johnson gets the village idiot to say that Casaya plans don't really include Danielle or Bruce and Cerie bitches about whatever. So when Sally and her damn fine tummy get back to Camp Whackadoodle Jet quietly announces he's gonna give his secret immunity idol to Danni Boobies in exchange for her vote, and tries to get Brucio on board too. Cerie bitches some more. They play a kick’en Immunity obstacle course that leaves Sally Sox neck and neck with Terry, and he wins... big whoop and surprise, surprise, surprise. He beat the girl. Jet Johnson, fighter pilot. Oh, and Dani popped out an implant a-la-Tara Reid... fuzzy video galore. Arys is the secret alliance target but he need not have worried because, despite all Jet's big talk... there is no secret alliance and Austin gets his ass kicked.
Austin, shocked to still be here... is the boy with the target on his head thanks his blabby-ness at the last council. So he starts the show saying "I'm gone". But then the garden path shows up... and off we go. Terry, super jet fighter dude, thinks he's talking people into believing black is white and white is black then they all go play a game for Reward. The game? Three teams of three, three piles of a hundred coconuts, three boats and the goal of getting the nuts from your boat, out to a flag and back, then unloaded to a finish line... and you get to put your nuts in other peoples boats (you want to minimize your nuts... you know... shrinkage). Cerie, Danni and Courtney die in this game, while Arys, Sally and Bruce mop up... with Terry, Austin and Shane pulling in a close second. This earns them a breakfast in bed... a canopied bed, on a secluded beach in the rain with bacon, wine and pastries. Of course, they gorge... but it was a pretty weenie reward. They also got to send two people to Exile Island, and they picked Austin and Boobie girl... who enjoyed a vast downpour and 36 hours of hell. Fun. Sally's already cute tummy got cuter when it was croissant stuffed and Cerie got her bitch on about people thinking it was cute. The lump girl did nothing but bitch, whine, and continue to be useless... Terry hatches a plan that starts with telling Sally he has the idol, and then calls on Bruce to join him because he's fifth in the Casaya pecking order... But apparently Bruce realized he'd be fifth in Terry’s order too. Terry later (after Immunity) goes on to actually offer the idol to Danielle, if she'll join their side and off Arys. Then it's Immunity, with a complicated game of elimination rounds facing various stages of an obstacle course... Showing all kinds of Cerie love, Jeff has them start with digging a hole under a log to crawl through... first six through continue. See ya Cerie. Oh and Arys, fist to try to go through his hole, got stuck and ended up back with Cerie. Danielles boob pops out of her top at one point, and there were several fuzzied ass cracks as the crew struggled under their logs. Jeff had 'em doing a rope-bridge-over-water thing that is hard to explain but suffice it to say that we end up with Sally versus Terry for the final leg... a crawl through a bamboo Tunnels Of Fun thing. It was totally neck and neck but Terry needlessly takes the win from Sally and continues to dominate threateningly... dumb dumb dumb... (IMHO) They end up at the fire pit with Dom Jeff who asks them all about switching alliances, and dwindling numbers... and we're sure Terry's plan is cooking like mad... which should by now be a clear sign to all who watch regularly that the plan is not happening. They vote and in the end... neither Bruce nor Danielle swaps sides and Austin gets the lion share of the votes. I almost thought Terry would give him the idol to use to keep their numbers up but alas, no idol for Austin.
From the guys in the editing room: "Whoa... check out Dani's boob... popped right out... Oh... and there’s Courtney’s ass... ah crap ... Arys again... alrighty... get the can of fuzzy video... we got some clean up to do..."
Shane: "It's impossible that two people flipped..." as much as I hate to say it... you are correct sir.
Most Memorable Moment
Watching Cerie go into self-consciousness-masked-by-aggression mode when cute lil'Sally Sox comes back from Reward with Arys and Bruce and displays (at other peoples urging) a nice round little Buda Belly. People are rubbing it... touching it... she's basking in the cuteness of the circumstance... and Cerie? "Ah don' care 'bout yer damn tummy... I want me some food. I want to win some food!" er... Cerie has contributed NOT ONE moment of success to any challenge and I'm thinking your next snack is gonna come from a 7-11 back home... biatch.
Fricken Terry and his stupid plots... they are so gonna fry his ass the first chanced they get... AND YET they let Shane and Cerie to continue drawing breath. Process of elimination says that the money is going to Sally or Courtney ... only because I can't see how those two will get voted off.
(aka "Tribal Council")
Wow. I mean Jeff is asking all the right questions... leading us ever more distantly down the garden path... The camera keeps catching Shane making his "O" face as if he's worried about votes... It's pan pan pan across smug and worried faces with Arys carrying the "ruh row shaggy" banner right up until the last moment... when it turns out that nobody changed their vote, the entire episode had been a set up to fool us and team Casaya snaps another branch off the Lamina bush in their midst. Austin heads to camp loser and Terry keeps his secret idol in his pocket.
~ why the hell can't anyone on Lamina see that Courtney walks around with a scowl on all the time... recruit the earth mother for goodness sake... oh wait... you let Austin get tossed off, so I guess your fucked. dumdi-dum.
~ It's fun to take note of how long with crummy food a girl has to go before her implants start to look truley strange... Day 21. :)
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