Survivor XII: Exile Island!!
They Call Me Bruce!
Where in... the true value of the Exile Island comes to light, Shane gets about as poisonous as the damn puffer fish and Dom Jeff pulls out all the stops with a game designed to do little else besides cause pain and foster aggression. Yes indeed, tired, skinny white folk battle it out and The Blob sits on Misty.
Survivor 12... in 12 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
"I am Bruce... hear me mumble! Look, filter this water through three t-shirts and it's 90% clean... drink drink... Love Me and make me your leader!" (of course the other 10% could be solid poop for all he knows). And then there's Lamina, the land of the icky looking snail soup and Nemo on a stick... They win the game of giant-sling-shot catch for camping gear and get to pick a Casayan to go live on Exile Island. Sensei Mumbles gets the nod... leaving Casaya to crumble under the oppressive weight of El Loco Shane. Then it's Immunity RAW, with full on sand-wrestling, or - in Cirie's case - body squishing, and after everybody suffers plenty... Lamina lands on the block, and because boys-iz-dumb-like-butter-is-creamy, Misty Missile is launched. (boooo!)
Shanes nic jag is all the rage as he storms around Casaya acting like the guy voted most likely to be eaten. Bruce (I couldn't understand a word he said, btw) replaces Melinda and lays the ground work for a round of dysentery among the weak constitutions of the pussies that make up Camp Stress Case. He gets them all to drink dirty water that he filters through three t-shirts...sick, dirty, disgusting, t-shirts. But it's night, so what they can't see, can kill them later. They're happy... unlike the suckers at Camp Ugly Food. Seven people, six days, snail soup and one 2 ounce sun fish. Reward is all about shooting this big ass sling shot thing and your peeps jumping in the water to catch the shot. Misty beats the pressure and scores the winning shot for Lamina and they get all this gear - tarp, water cans, blankets... and they get to send one of the losers to Exile Island. Seeing as Black Bob Stupid Pants got things rolling with a speech about how Bruce is their private God... Sensei Mumbles gets tossed and man does it storm that night or what?!! Mother Nature is carves a giant L into Bruce's forehead, and Shane has some wild ass shit attack over this stupid rock he's sitting on. "This is my thinking seat... in fact... everybody promise that no one will sit on my rock!" which is followed by a complete break with reality, he's screaming and storming his "I was an extra in Trainspotting" body off into the woods. Oh, and either he was sporting vertical wood that was doing the wave, or the editors felt his crotch-top fur-line was too sickening to behold. Fuzzy Video no. 1. Immunity's next and I'm thinking Jeff lost an argument with his squeeze because he was taking something out on these guys with this game. Various two on two and three on three teams run to a sand pit and fight one another for a sand bag buried there. Getting the bag to your "base" gets you a point... and it doesn't matter if you're carrying one of the other team too. We're talking full face slams into the sand, full nelsons, fuzzy video no. 2 on Danielle’s crotch (I'm guessing explosive pubic afro issues), guy grabs girl by the neck and yanking her ass over teakettle, Cerie actually sits on Misty, full force tackles and the winning stroke is Bobby ripping apart Ruth-The-Zombie's shirt, and dragging her and the sand bag over to his base. And fuzzy video 3 through 8 were peppered around in there. That's a win for Casaya, so they are stuck with Blob Lady and Delirious Shane. Lamina is all a flutter, as Sally and Misty head on down the garden path. Austin and Nick are swing with Astro Boy, Jet Johnson and Ruth-Zombie versus Sally and Misty. The girls think their good to go, having plied the swing vote boys with their many charms. Jeff watches that bubble burst at the fire-pit after Misty makes a "we're a happy family" speech... they vote her off resoundingly, leaving Sally holding the big squishy bag of "uh oh".
Bruce, on life at Camp Casaya; "They thought I was a gift from heaven!" ... but he's not letting it go to his head.
Shane: "THIS IS MY THINKING SEAT..." Yes, it was a dark and blustery day... when Pooh sat down to think... think think think...
More Shane: "I'm relaxed man... I don't know how I'm gonna get through this with you!" addressing Courtney-the-Earth-Mother... and done with all the class of a urine soaked 5th St. rummy.
Most Memorable Moment
Astroboy's face, Immunity Game, headlock! His already protruding jaw, giant chompers, recessed gums, and withdrawn lips were crazily enhanced by the upside down headlock he found himself in during the Immunity game and dude... he looked like the creature in Alien just before it strikes... I was expecting his teeth to open up and another set of teeth to telescope out ...
(aka "Tribal Council")
With Ruth Marie sitting slack jawed and sullen... like any respectable zombie would, the gang sits there and listens to Misty Missile compliment them all in a "happy happy" speech. Then they get up and vote her ass off the show... which, considering how cute that ass was, is a drag. It also seemed dumb... from a strategy point of view.
Geez, that Bruce... what a trip. If he wins... we can expect some nutty behavior en route.
~ ewwww... man, Shane and Ruth Marie both are already into the Karin Carpenter stage of malnutrition. There better be a food competition next week.
~ I was killing myself laughing at that Immunity game. I think it was Aris that Misty hauled back at one point? Wicked... I'd love to see the editing room floor footage on that whole game...
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