Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Another Survivor Update!

Welcome to the National Geographic Special Theater:
"Hungry, whiny, skinny white folk in the Auzzi Outback."

Last nights show… a quick review!

Most memorable moment:
Mr. Totally-Useless sitting by chef Pierre, breaks out laughing when Chef starts to whistle the tune to "ding dong with witch is dead..."

Show opens:
Mark Brunet trying to get our hearts in a flutter after showing us Scari's lap-dog look'en mighty low... The scary - really scary - thing is, there was that spoiler way, way back about a leak suggesting that the lap-dog and coconuts become the final two... it's look'en possible.

Tonight's theme:
Let's watch captain pathetic, Mr. Totally-Useless be a complete foreskin for an entire episode. Oh, and by the way… they have a cup of rice to last 'em all two weeks… hahahahahaaaaa… I'm dying here.

We are treated to a reward challenge that not really a challenge, but rather a collective head-phuque by the Happy Torturer, Jeff. And, of course, it's another opportunity to bring in the Doretos sponsorship. Everybody gets some Auzzi $$ to bid on … food (of course!) Yup, Yup… when Farmer Joe got that cheeseburger, I started wondering how their tummies would react to this festival of food samples… But other than selling Amber a glass of river water for… what? $200+ (the mystery plate special - reminded me of Tuesdays at the University Cafeteria!), this was bogus.

Then comes digestion… Speedy and direct to the back door.

Dear lord in heaven - or whatever floats your boat - but Nick Brown makes Gervais (from the first Survivor) look like a workaholic. Let's celebrate with a little thematic Haiku:

Totally useless
So ass-smelly and lazy
Eat with Scari and Silver

He, of course, gets nailed at council… but we'll get there later. First the immunity challenge. Everybody! Say it with me…. "What the hell was that?" How the heck did Mrs. Brady not win that?

The Challenge: Set-up a fire on one side of a teeter-totter and fill a bucket with a hole on the other side to raise the fire up high enough to lite the "you win" sparkler!

Cheese boi (who's head was looking amazing large again last night!) is the absolute last looser to get his fire going… Mrs. Brady and Useless were miles ahead of him… yet he manages to win? WTF?

But let us refocus on the star of last nights show… Now really, if you were there… would you let Useless get away with his lazy-ass-ness? Where are the bruises? I thought for a moment there that when Amber (or was it the one of the other emaciated, sick looking, off-white people? I can tell the difference anymore…) was going on about how lazy Nick is, and we could see him in the background, that a scene change was coming with Chef Pierre hitting Nick with some big log or something…. Sadly, it never happened. But then Mr. Totally-Useless tries to offer comfort to Coconuts when she's feeling shaky, crying and all crummy. What kinds of restraints were used to hold Farmer Joe back from offing Nick right then and there…?

Then, due to the non-challenge-reward-challenge, there was extra air time, so they filled it with a little more head mess'en from the host… the self proclaimed Lord of Give & Take. The gang is sitting around on the beach looking like there should be a scrolling phone number across the bottom of the screen asking us to sponsor one of them for just 1$ a day… "You have all been very bad children, and if you had a room I'd send you to it! Here's some more rice… and some fish hooks. I'll take all your shelter, and that big Texan Flag that Cheese boi brought. Now go build a new shelter out of …. Um… well, if you're smart, Nick's flesh." And then they all hop to it to build a new shelter, except - of course - Mr. Totally-Useless, who sits down on the sand and watches everyone slave away… A-Fricking-Mazing.

Um… Did anybody else notice how amazingly bad Coconuts looks first thing in the morning?

Well, the Council of Dump - and no, not the collective poopi-fest following the quazi-reward challenge, the other Council of Dump! was significant only in that we saw wicked solidarity between Coconuts and Farmer Joe… both voting for Amber… hmmmm… Everybody else Votes for Mr. Totally-Useless (except him of course…) and they launch him over the cliffs of despair. FINALLY! (sheesh)

The Jury: Wow! Ms. SilverPanties, Scari, & Totally-Useless. It's like the ultimate counter-disney dwarves theme... the jury is mean, bitchy and lazy. Who's next?

Oh, and to borrow from Mr. Useless's last decent line, I'm guessing the "tent doesn't smell like ass!" tonight.

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