Survivor XII: Exile Island!!
Who Needs Fire, Food and Shelter! We Got Bitch Tits
Where in... the newest season of "Jeff's Torture Emporium" gets to the airwaves. Sixteen homies, carefully segregated into four teams of four (Smart Guys, Boobies, Boys-Are-Dumb, and OMFG-Stupid) kick off the season on a wee island with Dom Jeff... First Goal: select a loser, and then move on to set the pace for what looks like the very best Survivor yet!! Oh, and - FYI - there were four suicides at the headquarters of the NAACP last night...
Survivor 12... in 12 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Boys, Girls, Young and Old... seemed like a good idea in the office. Jeff sends them all after a hidden amulet, but Misty the Missile Engineer pays the price for Danielle coming back last, and has to christen Exile Island. Everybody else takes off to prove once and for all why older men go for younger women. The older women are idiots and the younger men are frick'en useless. Misty's eating worms, and everyone else is trying to make a fire and shelter... They play a great game of climb, swim, paddle, solve and throw leaving the old and remarkably dumb women in last place... which means Jeff gets to torture them personally at Tribal. Cirie (pronounced "Jersey Cow") is afraid of leaves but, Tina builds a fire, a shelter, finds water and gets the biggest non-shark fish I've ever seen on Survivor... so the other three hacks kick her out... useless biatch that she is.
We got four teams, with cool names like Bayonetta, Lamina, Vivero and Casaya, who will never be called by their cool names. They will instead be known as Old Men, Old Women, Young Guns, and Boobie Girls. Jeff starts 'em on Exile Island playing a reward game for a flint with the losers picking one to stay on Flip Out Island (you watch, we'll have a few freaky nights on the island). It was all about busting heads...er, crushing fake skulls looking for an amulet to bring back to Jeff. Misty, the Missile Engineer (which is prol'y cool, but still sounds like a Burbank way of saying "hooker") ends up sleeping on Flip Out Island after losing a game of rock-paper-scissors. Danielle - who appears to have snuck an extra bum onto the island in her shirt - lost the reward game for her team and oddly they decided to play RPS to decide who paid the penalty. (huh?) Jeff then tells them that there is a hidden immunity idol on the Island (I bet you it will turn out to be Clay Aiken in a loin cloth) Everyone else is off to four base camps to make fires, to boil potable water, and make shelters. Sadly, the Boobie Girls have no flint so they don't bother, but they do zoom around in their bikinis and have pillow fights... They find a dead sea-turtle and Courtney (aka Earth Mother) gets very very emotional... (sing song voice in your head saying "awkward") The young guns have no skills what-so-ever so they play sports instead of survival although Aras does have them all try to "feel the energy". The older women... bwaahahaha... have Cirie the Plus Size Mama with Bitch Tits the size of small planets, who is afraid of nature. She hates leaves (oh my god!) and can only seem to move at two speeds, slow and stop. But they also have Tina, who prol'y ate Grizzly Adams for breakfast. So she sings way too much, but builds the fire, the shelter, gets food and boils water (score!). Meanwhile camp Old Man Ass is all about a roaring with fire, shelter and doing just fine thank-you-very-much. Astro Boy and Jet Johnson establish a Brokeback Alliance and start necking, They-Call-Me-Bruce runs around fixing and working like mad, while Shane... the cold turkey smoker boy... is closing in on his own personal hell. After eating worms and shivering on Flip Out Island, Missile Girl joins the other boobies, makes like she found the secret Idol and everyone plays the Immunity Game. It's a physical challenge with a brain teaser at the end and everybody is having trouble... except the young women. Although Team Old Man Ass comes in a close second. But the Young Guns all practically die doing their thing and the older women ... I'm not sure how well they did other than "came in last" because I was covering my eyes as the editors tried to fuzz out the view of Cirie’s massive chocolate mammaries dangling like Monday morning utters as she dug in the sand for some clue. Actually, the fuzzy video started when she was paddling the raft with righty hanging out like she was on the red carpet and Puff Daddy party. The Older Women are off to Tribal to face Dom Jeff so Big Black and Stupid starts jonesing for a way to not get ground into chuck. True to the Survivor Editing Room standards, we are certain that she is going home and that her effort to turn the other two women against Tina (of all people... !!!) will fail. Tina must have been some kind of horrible pain because the other women buy into it and after Jeff prompts them at council with "It must be comforting to have someone like Tina with you." he gets to look at them agog and in wide wonder as they chuck Tina back to base camp
(in the "all time favorite" category)
Big, Black and Stupid (BBS): "I hate leaves..."
Aggravating Tina: "um... Did anyone tell you what show this is?"
After a little beach baseball, facing the onset of night, Team Dumb and Dumber (The Young Guns), realize that they can't build a fire, have no food, have no water... and hamsters make better shelters than them. So they say; "Well, we don't want to peak the first night." And to think... four lightening bolts and they'd be all done.
BBS, who was very aptly dubbed "Queen Ta-Leaf-Ah" by a friend (hi laurel714), looks at Jeff during tribal council and tells him this is way horrible and hard, and advises "all you at home on the couch... stay on the couch." (unless, of course, it's all-you-can-eat-night at Denny's).
Most Memorable Moment
There were sooooo many!! Misty eating a worm, Courtney going Earth Mother over the dead turtle, BBS's utters dangling in little fuzzy video blobs as she tried to actually participate in the Immunity Challenge... (which she lost!). But I'm going with Jeff's expression at Tribal when, after they chuck Grizzelette Adams, he asks them what the fuck they were thinking... well, maybe not in those words, exactly. :)
(aka "Tribal Council")
Could Jeff have been any more in-their-face about the value Tina brings to the game? And could Cirie been any more of a fricking cow about acting like they don't need Tina's shyte? "Oh, well the only reason she did everything was because she just went and did everything... I'm sure any of us could have done the same." bwaahahahahaha... okay... And then later, flaming monkeys will come shooting out of Cirie's ass. They vote and all three of them vote to cast out Tina. Tina's final words to the Loser Cam were "I hope they do terribly!" (lol!)
Of course, I totally want Misty or Sally to win... but that's because they're hot girls. We gotta go a while yet to really get a handle on who's gonna win this game.
~ I think that, next week, they merge and do a "school yard pick" to establish two teams!! And the preview shows ol'Shane going right over the edge with his cigarette jones. Hard core.
~ Danielle could not have had more of her breasts sticking out during the initial game even if she had Pam Anderson's dresser on the island with her.
PS. Any LJ Communities or other web sites you think I should post these updates to? Just tell me where ... :)
(I'm cross posting to survivorjunkies, but ... where else?)
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