Amazing Race 8 Update!!
Yo MOM! Wake The Fuck Up!
It's all about... Beaver, aka Captain Fucking America, dragging his delusional family around by their asses. Oh, and they all zoom through Canada... without stopping for beer or a toque. Confusion reigns among the Linz and Branson families and the only non-Haitian, non-francophone cab driver in the province of Quebec goes all Florence Nightingale on the Weavers. So Captain America, Florence and a healthy lead into the land of the Beaver... and what position do the Weavers end the race in?
Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka “The show, in as few words as possible!")
Ten flipping thousand acre ranch in Montana... The Weavers, the Linz's and the Branson’s play it out and reel in a million dollars.
~ wake up in the middle of the night and catch a flight to Montreal.
~ go find a clue in the middle of fricking nowhere in an underground mall in downtown Montreal and then Detour with curling and log rolling.
~ Expo '67 American Pavilion (big sphere) and clue it to a Trapeze Road Block.
~ The Big O (Olympic Stadium) to find one of three seats (huge fricking arena) with a clue... and crash.
~ Fly to Toronto and do the CN Tower - except say it in French for no good reason what so ever!!! - and play spot the flag with binoculars.
~ Detour with shoes and lots and lots of feet (eww) or climb a ladder.
~ then Road Block with assembling a foamy map of NA and...
~ Sprint for the finish line!
And What Happened!
~ 3:04 am and the Girls and The Heart Attack (dad) are off... the Linz's right after and the Weavers an hour later. Destination: Montreal, Canada. Airport hijinx with ticket shuffling and flight delays... the Branson’s zooooom to the back of the pack.
~ Find a clue in the subway level shopping center in downtown Montreal called the "underground city". If you're cabbie is a re-incarnation of Tour Guide Barbie, you're golden. If you're the Linz or Branson family... you run right past the clue box and screw around for an hour.
~ Detrour... curling four rocks into the house, or rolling four freaking logs along an impossible course using lumberjackshit hooks and whatthefuckinghell are the Bransons doing that for?
~ Curling, an olympic sport that you can smoke and drink beer while playing, is a go... if you can find the actual rink, which none of them do until they tour the city for a while. Roly literally CENTERS the rock... dead!
~ Climb the stairs for a clue in the big geodesic sphere at the Expo site (1967... I was there... and right beside the sphere for No Doubt four years ago) - The American Pavilion (surprise, surprise).
~ Clue it to some loading zone where somebody is running a trapeze artist training camp (did you know the Cirque de Solie started here!) and Road Block. Of course Roly does this too.
~ now go the Olympic Stadium or the "Stad Olympic" Megan: "Stand Olympeek" Idiots: "Stad!" Megan: "Stand Olympeek" Idiots: "Stad!!!"
~ Find your way in on a golf cart and then search the entire fricking stadium for one of three clue boxes (departure times for next morning). Lott is losing his mind but they and the Linz's find their clues and move on... the Weavers lose The Race right here when they almost give up ... save for Roly badgering them.
~ Fly to Toronto and get a clue that tells them to go to the CN Tower except the clue names the tower in french. So they're leaning out the window of the cars asking people where the tour-de-cn is... IT FRICKING DOMINATES THE SKYLINE. The Weavers are pouring over maps with some east indians in a corner store. "This map is ripped... can we just... like... have it for free?"
~ Bunch up, Up on the tower. Observation deck and search with binocs for a clue flag thing.
~ Off to a Detour with the Branson’s electing to search through a hundred women’s feet for the one that fits some random shoe from a shi-shi-poo-poo part of the TO Fashion District. The other two teams send a climber up a ladder on a docked tall ship ... gee... hard. ??
~ Then it's another Roadblock and this cool vertical form to assemble a giant foam provinces and states map of North America. The Weavers are stuck in the CN Tower looking for the clue long 'nuf to put the Linz and Branson clans in the lead. They are both going at the map and it was fricking close!!! But the Linz crew takes off running and hits the finish line after only seconds between them and the Branson’s on the map. (dad was doing the map). So Megan got her share, and I am well pleased. :)
That the Linz's won!! :D But the brothers are still dopes.
The best moment of the show was when the Weavers were going mental trying to find their way into the Big O in the golf cart... "Find the way in that fits your golf cart". The camera lights on them as they are sitting in the cart... nose to a closed steel door... bonking against the door... ahhhh!!!! I dunno... it doesn't re-tell here very well, but it was fricking priceless...
Dude? The shoes? Bransons, ultra amazatron with the catching up after screwing up the flight thing so badly and they take the detour with determining which one of a hundred women fit some random shoe. gah!
Weaver Daughter re: American Pavilion... "It's so cool that they built something that neat... way back then."
I swear... these girls have to have been home-schooled ... by their mom.
That is the only possible way they could be this fricking stupid... and that's a dig at the mom ... not home-schooling.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
At the Olympic Stadium... the Weavers, way dead ahead, quite literally looked at all the seats and ... quit. Well, Mom crashed out, and the two mindless-fleas-with-party-favours start doing the broken robot and ultimately... just sit there while the other teams show up and find their clues. Roly is dragging his hair out and finally convinces them to get the fuck off their lazy asses and help him out (so, they must have had to "all participate" in searching). He finds the clue. They are pathetic. Praying all the time, dissing the other players, and relying, one hundred percent, on Roly to get everything done. "Pray for him Rachel".
After every fricking thing in the universe going their way... and then quitting when it got impossible, and Roly yet again dragging their sorry asses up and at 'em... they manage to come in dead last (well, out of three). No soup for you!
K, I was really very happy to see the Linz's in the winners circle.
Family Edition totally blew. Half because the locations were not exotic enough and the rest because... the four person dynamic "sorted out too many problems". I'm here to see them suffer! :)
~ Thanks for reading! I’ve appreciated your comments. :)
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