Survivor XI: Guatemala!
The Re-Inflation of Dani.
Where in... a little culture comes to Camp Survivor Girl, dom Jeff leads them through two immunities, the requisite walk down memory lane and then ... the Jury – with Professor Poopie Pants Judd – votes. Back to Television City with the cheesy ‘Copter ride and all the little starving survivors plump up for the final "I'll count the votes." It's money time in Guatemala! Er... Television City...
Survivor 11... in 11 seconds...
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
It's party time with some locals who come and get all mystical and they sacrifice a chicken, Todd Rundgren style, then cook the little clucker. Immunity one is a big ass maze and puzzle deal that Rafe snatches from Steph. Back at Camp Sacrifice... it's munchy time... except for Rafe, who's afraid to "lose his cultural learning" by defiling the (literally) burnt offerings. They eat the chicken and, surprisingly, Mother nature throws a hissy fit. They go to Tribal, and, not surprisingly, they throw Lydia. :) Immunity number two is all about balance and endurance and, for Rafe, all about being a bone head. Steph and Dani fight it out but it's really Steph fighting gravity and Dani waiting. Dani wins final jeopardy. She's no dummy, Rafe is toast. Off they go and it's jury time. They all have their little power trips and then Jeff flies home with the votes. Meanwhile, a group of rabid inner city Detroit hookers capture Steph and do her make-up, while Dani gets re-inflated. They count the votes and it's all about Dani... the Million Dollar Lady.
So the Elf, the skinny Wood Nymph and the Fairy were minding their own business when the hobbit came bounding back from Tree Mail with tall talk of a grand celebration. They laughed at the stupid hobbit for getting excited about nothing but low and behold an ancient people burdened with offerings to their gods came among them and set about performing an ancient ritual of sacrifice. It was sacred, but the hobbit thought it was scared, but as we've already covered... the hobbit was stupid. The Elf wasn't altogether a rocket scientist herself... as she asked the ancient folk if she could eat their head-ripped-off-and-burned-twitching chicken offering to their gods. They said no. The Great And Terrible Jeff, cast our players into the Maze of Doom, and while the Hobbit's little legs worked hard, and the Elf ran like the wind, it was the Fairy that pirouetted into immunity. This was bad news for the stupid hobbit, but first there was the matter of the dead, burnt chicken... The Elf conspired to defile the sacred offerings, though the Fairy demurred, the others had no such misgivings. Within moments – mere seconds in the editing room – the anger of the ancient peoples gods was upon the foolish forest dwellers. Lightening, thunder and so very much rain. Night comes and with it a journey to the Great And Terrible Jeff's camp fire. They make an offering to their own gods and roast the stupid hobbit. Next up is a wet day with a long walk for the Elf, the Wood Nymph and the Fairy. They must burn sacrificial images of their fallen companions... and keep the Elf from eating them. When this is done, they play with The Great And Terrible Jeff again, but this time he places their skinny little "ugly yellow bags of mostly water" on wobbly skate board sized stands... and forces them to balance or perish. There is much fear among the little people, but not so much as to keep the fairy from doing some ridiculous and stupid thing thereby ending it's pathetic hopes for The Big Money. Now only the emaciated Wood Nymph and Pointy Eyebrow Elf compete but gravity is no friend to the elves and the Nymph seems at one with her log. Soon the Elf sits alone and crying, but the Fairy is a big raging suck so he goes for another fake magnanimous moment offing to release the Wood Nymph from any previous dealios... and clearly expects her to pick his little Fairy self regardless. No stupid hobbit this Wood Nymph... she goes to The Great And Terrible Jeff's camp fire and has a little Fairy Kabob... placing herself up against the dreaded Elf. The Elf has so few friends among her peers... The Wood Nymph defends her nothing-left-but-suction-cup-lips self and is awarded the awesome treasures of The Studio. That's a Pontiac Torrent SUV and one million dollars (to spend on gas for the Torrent). She inflates real good... congratulations Dani! :)
Jeff: colour commentary of the big-ass maze game, "Lydia!! Those short little legs are working... but is it enough?"
!!! ? Bwaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Steph: "We think it stormed because we ate the chicken..."
Thirty nine days in the jungle... clearly messes with you.
Most Memorable Moment
When I realized Steph wanted to eat the chicken... and nudged Lydia to have her ask the guy if they could... you know, eat their dead chicken. !!!! GAH!!
Burn Baby Burn
(aka "Tribal Council")
Ok, so the jury does their thing and it's one power trip after another with Jeff holding Judd back till the end... and what do we get? Judd blows on with this big song and dance about "do you skate? Have you ever ice skated?" thang! Geeeezus... I can just see him working this whole thing up while he stews under some tree at camp loser.
Man did she ever have this ... with that balance board thing and the three of them dancing around in the air hanging from the ropes and finding a "wedge position" against the log? !!! Dani looked like she was cleaning under her nails and pushing back her cuticles at one point!
~ that was a fun season... :D thanks for reading!! See you in March.
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