Amazing Race 8 Update!!
Caution: Wide Load!!!
It's all about... laughing till you hurt your neck yo!!! Oh my god that kid... the step mom!!! Who knew the "family edition" meant the "Family Destruction Edition". Er... ok, so we have cute kids, screaming blonde folk, horse shoes up the collective Schroeder bum and handily best out loud cheer I've ever had watching this show!!!
Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The Race Details...")
Colonial Manor House... once a good place for a slave to get whipped... now a great place to crash out for Amazing Racer Families.
~ wake up and get yer ass to Dulles airport.
~ Fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and drive A BIG HONKING YUKON to the "Battery Park Gazebo".
~ (and don't forget to dick around in the Airport, panicking, and mistrusting one another... sheesh!)
~ Detour to peel 200 lbs shrimp or drive through mud!!!
~ and if you're a freak show of a family of screamers... do both!!!
~ or if you're three bags of testosterone and a no-neck daddy... just do the mud over and over until you LOSE!!!! (spaz)
~ hoof it back to sign up for one of two busses (2 hours apart) to a "mystery destination"...
~ if you're screamers and belong strapped to a box spring in a trailer park... go a bit squirrelly on that bus or at the rest stop perhaps.
~ Alabama time... and while there are some good jokes to be made about that all by itself, I'll stick to the story. The gang is going to Rocket Land... Huntsville ‘Bama.
~ RoadBlock... suck up 3.2 g's on the training centrifuge and then rush around like mad till you find a) that AOL still thinks they're good enough to be sponsoring anything, and then a space shuttle that didn't blow up so you see Phil's giant hands again. J
The Good
Oh sweet mercy the best of the best... the detour was this "forest gump versus mud ball" thing... with 200 lbs of raw shrimp on a shrimp boat waiting for you to tear their heads off and a giant field of deep mud and a four wheel drive jeep to get through it on. The Screaming Weavers (widow, daughters and the boy that does all the work) and the Aeillo family (three sons-in-law and the neck-less daddy) try but fail... over and over... Ultimately the Screamers quit and head for the shrimp boats... The boys try and try... hell they tried a total of 14 !!!!! times (you have to be towed out after you get stuck). In the middle of all that effort... the Gahgan family – with the two little kids – show up practically singing a Barney Song, hop in their four wheeler and after the daughter says "Just go a hundred and twenty milesanhour Dad... so we can go on top of the mud!!" they snag it on the first attempt. Bwaahahahahahaha... no really... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I love those guys!)
Oh, and I officially love that girl Megan, on the Linz family. She must be some kind of girl to have put up with these retards for brothers for her whole life... let alone coming on this race. One of the boys in the family is all laughing at himself saying "I hate wide loads" as they drive... and he looked surprisingly like a 12 year old...
The Bad
K... the Weavers are a little bit country... and a little bit ... trailer. In fact they all prol'y have little trailer hitch scars on their asses. Sorry but they bug the crap out of me and they totally lose it at some rest stop on the eight hour bus ride from SC to ‘Bama. They're bawling in the bathroom and then... mom tells them to buck up, smile and fake it. She comes out with this Hitchcock like smile and the puffy purple eyes of doom on the kids can't be hidden by dorky smiles... so they ... dance. And I'm talking shades of Elaine from Seinfeld here.... They become that family that sings on long buss rides... the family every body else wants to see dragged behind the buss on short leashes. Sigh.
The Ugly
If at first you don't succeed... keep trying until you die.... Because life with options is ... what exactly? The Aiello family were doing fine.. right up until they became pig headed guys about doing the mud drive thing. Fourteen attempts? What the hell is that and how come not one of them revolted? What? Didn't want to upset no-neck? I think staying in the race would have been a good motivator.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
WOW! I'm impressed with the editing decision around the kid in the Schroeder family. They have the step mom who has come across as the family of peaches and fresh cream right up to and including her comment tonight about how great a bonding experience this race is. Then we snap over to see the son sitting with the son in the Screamer family calling her (and I'm talking full microphone here) out!! "She's a Bitch!" gahhhhh!!!! She has already – in the land of the real – seen this. Gah!!!! Hunter (the boy) goes on to roll his eyes and diss her several times. To his credit she blew a gasket when Hunter was talking to the Screamer Family kid – like he could possibly say something to ... what? Give away their strategy ... Lets see... strategy: "hurry hurry hurry hurry..." gosh... don't let that out.
The Losers
Despite their fourteen attempts that the mud bog and COMING IN LAST... hence losing the Amazing Race... I have to admit, their experience must have been a remarkable bonding for an extended family of in-laws. Can I just say at this point... we've never seen the no-neck dudes three daughters. One wonders...
The Winners...
Holy cow!!!!! The Bransons – the stuck up blonde hair slash perfect teeth girls and their Weezer for a dad (he does appear just about ready to drop dead) win this leg of the game... and their prize????? Well it's free gas FOR LIFE. Not for a year... not for five years... but "all licensed drivers in the family get free gas for life." Fucking sweet. I wonder how that will be sorted? Or will they all spend the rest of their days turning down friends who ask them go get their car filled up.
Crystal Ball Time
Go Go Gahgans!!!!
oh and...
I read something somewhere that said they (the racers) do, in fact, go off the continent at some point in the race... so it's not "just in the US". :D
NEXT WEEK
Bwwahahahahahahahaha... say it with me... "hahahahahahaha" The preview... showing the Screamers at the race track. Can you dig it? I'm betting there's a road block... "one member of your family must collect six items of rubbish from the race track... while eighteen nascar's barrel around the course... hahahahaha... oh man... I know I'm going to hell... but still... BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
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