Amazing Race 8 Update!!
The Season Of Screams
It's all about... girls that scream just... you know... because. Gah!!! Ok, there be little bitty kids, buff boys, mom's on the edge of a nervous breakdown and blonde girls... a seemingly endless supply of blonde girls... and every one of them seems to find great comfort is screaming their dippy fucking heads off.
Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The Race Details...")
New York City... land of the smoking ruins, Miss Liberty and nine families that will go home empty handed.
~ Kick it off in harbor and fall over yourselves running to your bags and your car. (never understand this part... walk for goodness sake. You're heading for a car, clearly you can make up a few moments by driving effectively.)
~ to SOHO and a mountain equip store for sleeping bags and a chance for girls to a) scream and b) wreck the place.
~ go get a dog on 91st.
~ drive to Washington's Crossing Park over the Delaware, paddle across and paddle back.
~ pitch yer new tent... try not to notice how surly the Boy Scouts look and sleep!
~ back in the SUV and drive to a detour... wear yourselves out being Amish for a day.
~ Pit Stop with a Mennonite. (First that Hilton skank and now this... poor Mennonites)
Oh my god... that Gaghan family is a trip!!! When the daughter is not looking like she's possessed, their being so damn cute you wanna hug your fricking television. During the Detour – build a waterwheel-hut or pull a little buggy across six million miles of farm – the kids burst into song as their units pull all 40 lbs of them past the Buffs who are just about to die from exhaustion. They are soooo going to win!!!! I got nothing mean for these guys except for the daughters tendency to look all Lynda Blair but I can see past that.
The Schroeders... teenage son and daughter... with Step Mom and Dad. I want to like them... You prol'y do too. I'm just on the fence about Step Mom. We'll see.
Screamer Family #1 (The weavers) lost their daddy when his work at a formula race track included getting run over. So... they (no kidding here) RUN OVER THEIR MOM WITH AN AMISH WAGON... bwahahahahahaha... I swear to god, I thought I was gonna have another hernia laughing. While Mom is grappling with the age old question "Is Pennsylvania a State?" and telling strangers to "stick with the lord", she and her two skank-o-matic daughters – fresh from the trailer – must rely on the youngest Weaver, Wally Beaver er... wait... Rolly, the man of the clan and the only one with a brain... who drags them kicking and screaming... a GREAT LOT OF SCREAMING to an impressive third place finish.
Screamer Family #2... The Pink Ladies. (The Godlewski's) These women are classic. Their breast weigh more than their brains, they're all blond and the first sound bites are them saying "everyone will underestimate us because we're blonde... or something". Then they get lost turning left. Besides screaming CONSTANTLY, they also take time out to suck up to the Buffs... because between the four of them... they can't read a map. Race around the world* but can't read a map?????
Family Paola – from here on out, known as the Menendez family, are several different clichés rolled together. Bottom line... Mom's as annoying as an axe in your head, both sons deserve to be fed to hungry lions and dad? Hello? Dad? Can you talk yo? Sadly they did not lose and get chucked out of the game. Mom loses a clue, and while she may be an annoying cow of a Bronx mom her children are easily the rudest, most disrespectful little fuckers I've ever seen on television. They diss out mom to her face constantly... yelling... telling her to "shut up" and generally earning the hatred the viewing audience no doubt has for them. Dad, meanwhile, drives along mindlessly ignoring the whole thing... much, I would guess, as he does at home.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
"you know... God thinks men should be in charge..." ahhhhhh... quick... somebody drop a sixteen ton anvil on Mr. Rogers... because his neighborhood is on some bad ass crack. Captain religion here... with his sub for a wife (geezus just put on the rubber face mask with the bung hole baby) power through the race to fourth place. Daughter "Brittany" is fun bobby material... she needs to listen to Lords Of Acid more. The son, Brock, cannot speak English. Perhaps this is a function of some ritualistic lifestyle choice, or it's just ‘cause they're from the south... Jury's still out.
The BUFFs are somewhere between hilarious and pathetic. Three boys and their sister. They treat her like shit and coming on this show as all her idea. She's got a great personality but the four of them are... essentially idiots.
The Bransons... three daughters and dear old dead dad. Dad was dragging his sorry ass through the whole race and he was kinda creep'en me out talking about how much fun it has been to watch his daughters maturing... Hopefully he doesn't mean on closed circuit tv. The daughters... and mind this... displayed a rather ugly side of themselves when they had to get a clue from the hot dog vendor on 91st Ave. The run up to the two men at the dog-wagon and ... never ... make... eye... contact. They literally reek of social snobbery.
Look, I had to get a Kleenex at the end of the first show... how pathetic is that? The fricking Paolo family makes it through? But the BLACK FAMILY... who are black... and who's family cheer is "BLACK FAMILY" with two totally beautiful young men for kids cannot, for the life of them... paddle a boat. They had a good lead, right up until they had to paddle across the Delaware. They sucked at that big time. Editing brought them to the finish line in what looked like a neck and neck thing with the Buffs – who could have lost too and I wouldn't have minded. But noooooooooo the Blacks just had to lose. Talk about a slap in the face for those kids. The younger one looked totally cool but the older boy had the eyes puffing up when he was internalizing their loss. Mom and Dad really needed to step up harder in this game for their kids sake.
Gah... the freaking Pink Ladies scream their way to the Pit Stop and get a $20,000 bump for their trouble. No flipping idea how they managed to make it into first.
Crystal Ball Time
~ My moneys on the Gaghan Family. Who's in? :D
* rumor I heard says they don't leave the US... sad if that's true... but the US is big, so we'll see.
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