Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor X Update!!!

Survivor X : Palau

And Then There Was One.

Wherein... I just kinda flip right out about how rocking jets cool that She-Ra Super Steph is. You just know there is some really big sponsorship gigs in her future. We get to see the sloth and excess of camp brainiac as they are overrun with scrap hunting vermin and a big gay pear... that just wants to be treated as an equal. An "equal" what we're not sure... but rest assured, he wants it to be equal.

Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
So after BJ realized that the last few nights as a tribe would prol'y be better spent with She-Ra of the Jungle as opposed to Tall, Black and But Lazy. So he votes to fry to Imbrehem, and then he and Stephanie form Survivors' first two person tribe. Meanwhile over at camp Butt Head aka The Mess, the girls are sitting around being mall rats without a mall, the boys are working and Coby, happily straddling both genders, works like a dog but complains about it. Everybody ventures out to a reward game, but only two per tribe get to play ... because, of course, Ulong is the Tribe O'Two. The game? Eat some freaking sickening partially formed ducklings. And not just, you know, chow down, but chow down over and over again... way gross... and never mind BJ blowing chunks and eating them. Koror wins, and Ulong once again feels like total crap. The prize? A 55 gallon water tower with a shower spout and a bunch of soap, that Tom wont let them shower with. Why? because Tom doesn't know how to work a crowd. It was very close but Steph and her BJ once again go back to their ugly cave with empty hands. They fish... the land a fat clam and feast on icky stuff then we watch as it dawns on them that losing the coming Immunity game will mean a serious change. Steph wonders at the cave man emerging in BJ aka Captain Snot Rocket, and Tom reveals a big honking secret alliance between him, Ian, Katie and STEPH. (They clearly formed that deal before the gang split into two tribes.) Coby whines like the droopy shouldered bottle of Beaujolais that we all know he is and then cries a bit too... Now its Immunity time and it's another squeaker. Two teams of two (this time, Greg and Coby, leaving the girls to, um... file their nails) run, swim, dive, retrieve, surface, climb and balance... four times, getting these bags of puzzle pieces from underwater hidey holes. Put the puzzle together and solve the "word search" identifying the secret letters to spell the winning phrase. Yeah, and so... Bobby-Jon is just not all that smart and Steph is not a puzzle queen so the lead they had coming into the "solve it" phase wastes away and they lose again. There will be no vote... but rather a one-on-one immunity game at tribal council. The game is that they have to sit and build a fire... and despite the game seeming to be custom made for BJ, Steph wins the day and claims the ignoble position as the first ever one woman tribe in Survivor. Jeff's last words to her? "You're still alive!" ... word.

Most Memorable Moment
So Steph is talking to the camera about how "cave man" BJ has become... with no washing, etc... while the camera pans over him eating crab shells. Then, while she's talking to him, he lifts one hand, turns away and WHAAAM... He blasts out a huge sraying "snot rocket" (her words) directly over the patch of their mess that they sleep on. The look on her face was absolutely classic. If I could screen cap it, I would, just to show you her face... hahahahahahahaha...

A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
Ian and Tom... eating duck fetuses...
"Watch out for the beak!"
"Oh... that was a juicy one."
"I got a chirp outta that one!"
~ you guys are sick... and yes, I know you were just trying to gross out Steph.

Coby: "The jocks would all make fun of me... I'd run off... an'that's why I came here."
Okay... two things: 1) Paulu is a fucking looooooong way to run away from jocks to. And 2) what is with the tears? What do you think this is? Oprah? Dr. Phil? Go kill something Wolfman.

"Bobby-Jon, The tribe definitely did not speak, but never-the-less, you're going home!" Jeff gets a new line!!!!

So the game is played for this 55 gallon drum of fresh water that Jeff will have mounted at your camp on a small tower, with a shower spout and a basket of soaps. All you have to do is choke down these partially formed baby ducks, fresh from their shells... ABSOLUTELY GROSS. Jeff's all about how it's a local delicacy and full of protein. Looks around for the locals that call it a delicacy? We're talking mud hut savages right?
Anyways, the game was "eat one"... then "eat two"... then "eat three" and, you guessed it, "eat four". When both tribes manage all this... it's tie breaker time, so he makes ‘em eat five... on a timer. Oh god... Bobby-Jon is literally pressing the partially chewed "partially formed" ducks down his throat... he gags and blows chunks... covers his mouth and re-swallows. And then... he loses, and elects to FINISH. Ok, you gotta admit, Bobby-Jon presents a particularly "good" boy. He's always got the "good of his team" at heart... he tries like mad to win (although he rarely gets very far with that) and he works constantly at Camp Loser. Sadly, he still sucks and the two of them have to go back to camp knowing that one of them leaves tonight after a mini-immunity game at tribal.

Camp Nut Job! Tom and Ian rule this roost with ease... although, Coby seems to have a never ending problem with anyone taking charge, when it's not him. The girls are like so many little fluffers at a Juice Newton concert... waiting for something or someone to do. They, the girls, are being portrayed as remarkably lazy little tramps that don't actually have the strength to do anything, if they ever actually tried. The camp is a fricking pig sty, with the shark head gathering bugs in the middle of camp and food strewn everywhere attracting rats. All these rats and they evicted Willard weeks ago! :)

Camp? Ok, these guys have a bit of a cave zone and some ground, off the beach, but no real camp per se. They manage to keep a fire going and that's about all that really counts. There's just the two of them and soon... there will be just one!

A hard, physical game that ends with the need to be a puzzler. Steph and BJ manage to get an early lead and hold it right up until they have to do the puzzle... then they fall far enough behind that it's a casual win for the Koror Kids. The game was to recover these bags with puzzle pieces in them, suspended below a series of floaty docks. After you get the bag, you have to walk across the docks and get back to square one in a hurry, so your partner can take off after the next bag. Get all four bags and you open ‘em up and solve a puzzle. Yeah, well so far so good for the Ulongians... then the time comes to think at they fall. The secret word to be made from the hidden letters in a word search puzzle was "Victory at Sea".

The Darwin Affect
Um... Coby... stop whining and bitching yo. See, this is what happens when you don't evict someone every few days. He's acting like they will never have to evict anyone and bitching about everyone else. This is never a good recipe on Survivor.

Tribal Council
Well there's no vote. Instead, Steph and BJ are given equal supplies that include 25 matches and directed to build a quick fire that will light a torch suspended a couple of feet above the fire platform. Jeff says go, and they both go at it. The trick for Steph was to put a few twigs down first to build up height... and after a few moments of totally not knowing what was going to happen... Steph's torch lights and it's all done! Bobby-Jon makes a good exit speech and heads off to the loser lounge and Stephanie heads back to camp alone. She is the official She-Ra Jungle Queen Girl.

Two things...
~ geezus, that Janu girl, looks like she died a week ago but forgot to lay down. I wonder if she knows Keith Richards?
~ It's pretty easy to like Ian. He's so congenial and light hearted. Seriously. :)

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