Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Amazing Race 7 Update!!

Amazing Race 7 Update!!

Miss Congeniality ... Not!

It's all about... stereotypes. Plain and simple... The Flames practically flap their arms off, the stoners appear to have scored some Argentina Gold, the black guys got rhythm, the old guys can barely get their creaky bones into their jeep, Amber gives a capital hand job and the beauty queen has a ... tantrum. I swear every one of these people has been a character in a Harlequin Romance.

Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "The show, in as few words as possible!")
Mahaddihaddi Pans... or what ever... Botswana.
Wake up on a cot, in the middle of bum fuck africa and get your dirty skanky ass to some village a hundred miles away... Lets meet under the water tower. (there are water towers everywhere) Lynn's talking to cows, the brothers decide to date, and Kelly is in the back seat saying "me me me me me me me me me".
It's a Detour choice between walking from here to there a few times balancing something on your head... you know, cliche native women walking from the lake to the village with a mac truck on her head, or milking a cup of milk from an angry little goat. Ok... nobody can balance that shit on their heads... except the black guys. And for an encore... they speak jive. Lynn observes; "Joyce and Uchen were born to do this..." and Ron and Kelly just about come to blows as he whacks off a goat. But the hats are off as Amber sets about a rhythmic squeeze, loosen, grip and pull routine that set none too few a'but cheeks squirming in their barca loungers. Their cup runeth over man, so they're first off for clue number two. It's a trip to the river Khwai, which sounds a lot like Kwai but isn't. It's a Road Block and it's all about drive'en your land cruiser around, jumping in puddles, and moving logs. So, basically, it's Homer Simpson time. Homer... er, I mean, Rob, plows through this and hits home plate with his milk-maid and they get another trip. Other than two teams actually having to go back to redo part of the road block ... from the Pitt Stop... they all file in leaving the goof ball brothers in last place. They're on the mat with Phil wearing bathing suits and furry hats... and then they're sent home. (bummer).

The Good
Ok, the gay guys were a gas tonight. From Lynn and his "Thank you cow cow", talking smack with goats and making gay jokes, to Alex not bursting into flames as he tries to do the testosterone explosion Road Block. After draining his egg cup of testosterone he was totally relying on Lynn, coaching away from the back seat... getting out and biting his nails (and spitting it out, btw) as he advises Miss Alex on hooking up the tow straps to the big ass logs. And then the topper... when they think they're gonna be last and are hoping for a non-elim round... they start dressing in everything they own. Alex is pulling on pants like that scene in Friends when Joey put on his entire wardrobe. Phil tells them they're fourth and they were totally agog*.

The Bad
Yo! Stoners... read the frick'en clue guys! There's a water tower every fifteen feet in these villages and they blow how much time screwing around at the wrong tower? RRRRRRead the clue! Any ways... this was it for them. They started in last and then immediately screwed up falling further behind. Editing played around with it but they were way behind the whole way through. Bummer that they lost. On their trip to the mat, they are certain their last... and they dress in their bathing suits... hoping for a non-elim. Not sure why this was a good idea for them... 'cuz they could be going to Siberia next.

The Ugly
Well... in a word. Kelly.
And it's not just the zits, bags or jowls... Nope, she's ripened into a wee bit of a bitch too. You know they could have edited out him ragging her out and peeing on her for all we know, but we only see him tell her to chill out and she goes off about him about telling her to fuck off... er... "f word". Then she does this trippy talk to the camera thing bitching POW boy out. Rounding off with calling him trash and a hick, she slides back into "I try to put the Lord first and I hope that helps our relationship." And this is what some people call "menstruation".

The Exceptionally Pathetic
I could talk about "Oh God" Gretchen aka Zombie Lady, and her date struggling into the SUV, or missing the clue at the end of the Road Block, driving to Phil and being sent back... or Uchen and Joyce not reading their clue and having to go back as well... but I'm not. Instead... I want to know what the fuck is going on with the trips??? Like... when anyone I like comes in first... No trip. I happen to know that I am not cursed or a powerful wizard... so it's not my fault. It's a total burn.

The Losers
The brothers had a great time and sure make some good light moments in the game... but in the end... they really were kinda stupid. Geez... You're in a Race Around The World for (cue Dr. Evil) ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and you don't read the freaking clue? Wha? Gah!

The Winners...
Ok... Ramber wins again. And it's a honking nice trip for two again. Luck doesn't cover this... you know they're playing a great game. But I sooooooo want them to come in Second!
I'm hoping for the Flamers to win and to win by beating Ramber in the last leg of the race!!! :D (sprinkles magic dust over the bat wing potion)

* wohoo... I got to use "agog" in a sentence. :)

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