Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Amazing Race 7 Update!!

Amazing Race 7 Update!!


The Horseshoe Kid



It's all about... the seemingly endless supply of solid brass horseshoes that keep popping out of Boston Rob's ass. We get to see what Janet Jackson would look like having a saddle malfunction... and then watch while the wretched punk fairy boi (hi kym) torments his mom. The old guys reinforce their own stereotype and Ray reminds us at every possible moment that he must have a penis the size of a crayola crayon.



Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka “The show mechanics... a quick review!")
Drive yourself outta Mendoza to some ranch...
~ and it's Roadblock time... a "gaucho" challenge that essentially provides a forum for all the losers to show us how useless they are on horseback (but none so desperately as idiot boy Pat)... save, sadly, Boston Knob, who just rips through the challenge like he's run'en down a calf so he can meet ol'Hoss for lunch.
~ then fly yerself to Buenos Aeries on one of two flights (early and late) where you have to ... (dies laughing) find some weirdo in a black trench coat lurking by a clock tower. (running out of ideas there Phill?)
~ the Flashers' clue sends them to Tigre on a train, for the Detour.
~ Detour is riding a small outboard motor boat to find an island or find a shipwreck... Either way, the real hassle is that the boats are total shit and they break down or... basically, sink.
~ the Detour clue sends them to the checkpoint where Ramber snags a first place trip to London... and Susan bursts into tears.
Her suffering is likely never-ending.

The Good
The racers are in two camps... the Eaters and the Quitters. This, of course, is in reference to the big divide that happened last week at the eat-four-pounds-of-cow challenge. The Eaters have a big time advantage, in that the Quitters had to sit out a time penalty. So when the Eaters are all on board the "early flight" after the road block Lynn lets out a "Survive This" as a dig at Ramber not making the flight... but, alas, horse-shoe-ass Rob and his beer hag SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET THE FLIGHT TO WAIT. K... I'm just say'en... that never happens in this game. So Ramber gets on the plane to everyone else’s great disappointment. This, of course, is good. You have got to want Rob and Amber to keep winning by every trick in the book so that they can come in second to the gay guys or something... Let them taste victory and then snatch it away... bwaahahaha... (evil laugh time!)

The Bad
Watching Lynn do his "spread finger, big arms gay man clapping" thing every time Alex successfully walks and chews gum at the same time is getting tired. Fortunately he did call Rob and Amber "STDs"... he has to have some good in him somewhere.
And the Stoners... bwaahahaha... they make this big deal out of saying their strategy is "No Mistakes" and then they drive past an essential exit, into the sunset...
No really... didn't Joyce look like Janet Jackson on that horse? and getting to watch JJ get tossed onto her ass three times... was wonderful.

The Ugly
Ray: "I just wont accept that... I wont stand for that... It wont happen... I wont let it." Gee Ray, perhaps you will raise the international standard for being a "big talk - little cock" wanker. Oh wait... then he goes on about not losing to a seventy year old man... and gets insulting in his references to the Old Farts. Makes you REALLY want the old guys to beat Ray and his "on and off dating" skank.

The Exceptionally Pathetic
Gretchen and Meredith!, mere steps from their future in a rest home, are just hilarious... When she sees a street kid in Buenos Airies juggling for some coin in the road she's like "oh how sweet... and he's saving for college..." DING! HELLO... he's hoping for a few bones to trade for the possibility of a meal woman... College? hahahaha... Then on the Detour, they're burning along in their boat and are almost upon the flag... when they see Ray and Deena coming back with their clue. So... they turn around and follow Ray. There is no logical reason for them to do this, except... well, that they're really extra stupid.

The Losers
If ever a boy deserved to be tied to a door frame and pummeled with a wet phone book by his mother... Well, I mean, ye gods that Pat is a little fucker. At the Roadblock he pussies around on the horse, refusing to put his feet in the stirrups and bitch'en out his mom at every possible moment. This has been his form throughout the series... to either do the challenge and constantly put mom down as she tries to help, or to rag the hell out of her as she does a challenge. Then... an den! when they totally screw the pooch and are busy coming in last, he uses every opportunity to act the spoiled Veruca Salt about their pathetic performance. They guy gives tall, thin, sweaty, stringy haired, nancy-boy fags a bad name...
They come in last and Susan bursts into tears when Phil tells 'em. I'm guessing this is because she knows Pat is going to torment her and blame her and bad mouth her and put her down in public and ...

The Winners…
Well, thanks to a boat breaking down and sinking... Lynn and Alex watch first place slip away to their arch rivals... Team Rich Bastards From Survivor. When Rob is heading to the checkpoint he turns to the camera and says "I was born with a horseshoe up my ass!" ... and then six million people in the viewing audience began nodding their heads.

Note: next week... Gretchen with blood streaming down her face and the stoners in a roll over car wreck... haha... geez. Is this classic modern television or what?

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