Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Survivor X Update!!!


Survivor X : Palau


Sings: Welcome to the Jungle




Wherein... twenty would-be millionaires are cast adrift in a group of islands that defy the notion of paradise. When you get a little closer, you see the battle scars and rusting remains of war. It's all about Jeff giving the gang choices and watching them suffer the consequences... We already know Jeff digs watching them suffer, so this could be fun.



Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
This place rates a wow. The Islands of Palau (plow) are now home to twenty recently-descended-from-the-trees monkeys. Jeff cuts them loose and they have to paddle this big-ass canoe a mile to their new beach home. First boy and first girl there get an immunity necklace. So the first choice is how close do you take the boat before you swim for it? Crazy Bag Lady Wanda belts out this painful fight song so it's almost understandable when Steph and Jonathan demonstrate that a hundred meters from shore is not the right answer. (d'oh) Dolphin Boy Ian and Queen Latifah nail the necklaces but not before we establish what everyone looks like in wet street clothes.
Once ashore they are tribe-less and full of quiet little initiatives to sort out natural alliances. Jeff shows up and it's Sophie's Choice as the Immunity holders lose their necklaces and lead a pick'em to make two tribes of nine... leaving two behind. Jonathan and thank all the gods Wanda are left picking their noses on the beach so Jeff takes them away to camp loser. Wanda sings as the boat pulls away. There's two teams now, Koror and Ulong. So it's time for another game of choices. It's a jungle obstacle course with these lead lined ammo boxes with goodies to either bring, or leave behind. Winning this game was all about taking a little, and convincing your team to take a lot... was a shot to the heart. Miss I'm So Special My Shit Don't Stink, Jolanda is all about leadership... but is, sadly, something of a dumb ass and she gets herself chucked off the island to listen to Wanda sing for 38 days. Bwaahahahaa... Meanwhile, Koror... the winners, en route to a new camp, flip their outrigger, and sink their treasure. And they were supposed to be the smart team. :)

Most Memorable Moment
Watching nineteen people try to not explode into hysterical laughter as Ruth Buzzy bursts into a psycho, 1950'esque all-girls-camp fight song. For some reason, instead of paddling the boat, Wanda felt the need to leap to her death.

A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
"We can't let the pretty people have all the power." Ok did you see this guy? Lon Freaking Chaney, Jr. (http://www.lonchaney.com/), and his neon pink dress shirt. The guys face was erupting in jet black fur after one day. He's gonna look like that Monty Python Hermit guy or the wolf man by the time this gets interesting. And, of course... Coby doesn't have any other issues.

Jonathan: "I thought I'd be picked before this..." Whoa there tiger. Talk about your kiss of death moment.

Koror
The team that grew around Ian during the pick'em included the theoretically intelligent castaways. This is typically a sort of weird sour grapes thing because the other team is all the young buffs. First impressions, however, are totally that the Koror team is stronger, and smarter. Then they flip their fricking canoe and lose the "fire" reward (in the lead box). You just want to smack ‘em.

Ulong
Queen Jolanda gets a gaggle of young hard-bodies and Angie. Her "only friend" was Captain Pink but he blew her off and ended up on Koror... so Angie, her red bra and not insignificant body art stood there... clearly hoping that nobody started singing "one of these things is not like the others..." They play the game, lose, and then Queen JoJo decides that Angie and tattoos must die. While she looks like she's deciding to tell the others to get their paddles because she wants to go waterskiing, the others plot their coup d'etat.

Reward / Immunity
Yeah so the immunity idol is Mojo JoJo for cry'en out loud. (http://mojo-jojo.org/)
It's jungle obstacles with a bunch of goodies to carry around.
Koror bolts from the starting line with Fireman Tom setting the pace. They get to the goody zone and grab only fire, then split. The winning strategy... the winning choice. You know Jeff was so flippen happy at this point that he had to change his pants.
Like so many well behaved and abused little children, the Ulong-ians supplicate themselves at the feet of their shining thongy midnight goddess. "Gather all my treasures" she commands... But what is this? A lone voice of reason calls out... suggesting that perhaps... fucking around with trying to untie all this shit while the other team races away into the distance is TOTALLY STUPID. Stephanie's stock jumps as she tells Jolanda Megalomaniac'a that they need to get going. It's too late and they lose! No goodies and it's vote'en time.

Resident Evil
The only bit of evil I could see, beyond the demonic possession of Wanda, was General JoJo. But it's rather early in the game. Ibrehem, the walking wax job, voted to keep JoJo so we'll have to keep our eyes on him. :D hahaha...

The Darwin Affect
So the first order of business was to isolate the dumbest yellow-bags-of-mostly-water. A mile from shore, they are in this huge canoe paddling towards a beach. A BOAT... with people paddling. Steph and Jon defy all logic and crack under the pressure of deciding when to go and leap off at, like a hundred meters from shore. Dive... surface... and watch the boat paddle aka zoom, away from you towards shore. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tribal Council "Under The Guns"
Ulong gets to sit, surrounded by old anti aircraft guns (think "Black Sheep"), at council with Jeff while he tries to rub a little salt on peoples wounds. Gomer Pile, (James) lays on some crap about how it's a wonderful world but Angie has to fess up to waiting for the axe to fall. They vote and General JoJo gets snuffed... may she enjoy her prolonged exposure to Wanda at Camp Loser.

Two things...
~ See, I think the producers know they are perilously close to the shark if not checking it in their rear view mirror, so I'm expecting some balls out head games this season to rope us back in.
~ Next week Jeff and Kim press the flesh and rats attack!!



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