Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

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Amazing Race 6 Update!!!


Amazing Race 6


Say My Name Bitch!




Start yer engines... and strap on yer belts because it's a bumpy ride out of Africa and into Germany... and to keep pace with the historical significance of ending today's race under the Brandenburg Gate, why don't we slip in a little spousal assault. I sooooo hope Jon hears a big honking black guy saying "bend over and say my name bitch" when he lands in Jail for assaulting his wife...



Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(a brief look at the show's mechanics!)
Wake up in (Kendra's words) "ghetto Africa" and go!!
~ Find the "slave house" and do a little tribute to get your clue.
Everybody leaves at their allotted times and then bunches up at the FIRST stop... gah! A bit of a black history moment here that reduces Gus and Don to tears... Oh, and Bilbo lost his cool head light. But then he's constantly getting lost so whatever.
~ Now get to the airport and fly to Berlin and find a clue along the Berlin Wall.
Um... we're in Senegal... it's not like the space on the plane will be limited. Never-the-less, tempers flair in the Airport and we see Hayden actually finger-to-chest Bilbo, call him names, and tell him to behave. It was a pretty decent "go you Hayden" moment. Her cleavage top didn't hurt either. J
~ Detour is about passing out steins of beer and finding special drink coasters versus going to some meat house and grinding meat into a brat links.
Sadly, only Rebecca seemed to take the bait and refer to the obvious cock'ishness of the seven inch links... oh, wait... MJ (Depends lady) was rather impressed with just how big seven inches really is. No wonder Don keeps breaking into tears!
~ Clue it to an old church and broken chain statue...
Don and Mj are so amazingly dim that this utterly eludes them... so much so that it becomes their ultimate undoing.
~ Road Block to scoot down a hill in a soap box derby car... kinda fun... although Team Dim (Mj) crashes hers... hahaha...
~ drive a Mercedes to the pit stop... under the Brandenburg gate!

The Good
"I am not on steroids!!" bawls Bilbo after Hayden beats him up in an Air France ticket office... Dude! Is Bilbo ever short... hahaha... I hadn't noticed till Aaron was standing OVER him... This was kind of a high moment from my point of view about Hayden. Clearly she felt safe with so many other people around her... but you know it took some serious ‘tude on her part to put her hands on Bilbo's chest, push him and tell him that he's not going to fight!!! Go you!

Oh, and with Don and MJ flat broke... in Senagal... it was admirable that the other players pitched in with cash for them... I mean, it's not like anyone in Senegal could afford to give those old white people cash. Suz commented that she couldn't understand why they didn't try to sell the locals something from their pack... hell they had a fortune in "western goods" in that pack.

The Bad
Ok... sorry but Gus just makes me wanna puke. Gus and Hera get past the Black Power moment crying in the Slave House and end up in Germany in a beer hall handing out Steins of Beer... and Gus... simply cannot help but try one. Nobody else does this... but he's all over it... He even does the little "Lying Bullshitter Dance" telling Hera he's just grabbing his pack... so he can try and down another one before he leaves.... "I would have liked to stay a little longer..." OH MY GOD... what are you? The fucking rabbit from the Tortoise And The Hare story? If Hera had a little more moxie, she would have kicked him ... hard.

Now, Don and Mj made like the collected cash they had was significant... even "more than some of the other players" ... so why the hell were they riding the subway all over Berlin? Everyone else was in a cab while these idiots were tubing it. Gah!!!

The Ugly
Kendra... you elitist, stuck up, high maintenance bitch.
"I wish I was back in Paris having a croissant." As she walks through the streets of Senegal... then... in a cab... with a local dude driving... "This city is just disgusting! And THEY keep breeding and breeding... I can't take it!!" ahhhhhhhh oh my god... did you really just say that? You wretched bitch.

Bilbo??? You lost your head light... you get on the wrong train and you get lost on the way to a clue. Dude... you are sooo going to have start listening to Lori.

The Unbelievably Pathetic
Ok... isn't that Jon guy... the dark haired boy with Victoria... isn't he a prize? I mean... she better hold on to him or he'll be snatched up by any number of women out there... THAT WANT TO BE ABUSED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. What kind of fucking cocksucking smack monkey is this guy? Forget everything else... lets just look at the end game from tonight's show. They have to park the Mercedes and go on a foot race to the Brandenburg Gate to reach the pit stop. Jon and Vic had a lead but Kendra and Freddy are closing in... Jon and Vic FIGHT while driving and do the classic "stop in the middle of the road and he gets out in a huff" thing... perfect for Kendra and Freddy who use that opportunity to PASS THEM. So we're solid on that... Jon pulls over, allowing Freddy to pass him. Ok, now they park and start running towards the Pit Stop.

As she explained earlier in the show... her pack is wwwwway heavier than his... because he is a smack monkey. Well when they are running a race with Kendra and Freddy hot on their heels... Jon starts whining that he can't run fast... because he is a smack monkey!!! Then he drops his pack to hurry. AND SHE PICKS IT UP... and starts running with both. Well Kendra passes her... and she explodes.

Ok... not all "fire and smoke" type "explodes" but she goes mental... prol'y because she is imagining Jon all mad after he realizes that Kendra has passed her. She is absolutely screaming her head off... bawling horribly... saying "Joooooooooon... I ccccccccan't do this!!!!!!" And he is totally shitting on her every step of the way... I cannot stress enough how hard she is bawling... When their loss of first place is obvious HE FUCKING HITS HER (again – he hit her two weeks ago too). But he really shoves her... she collapses with both packs to THE ROAD... and he yells at her, standing over her, some more.

He steps on the Check Point mat still bitching her out... She's spaz-o-matic crying like mad and Phil says "Jonathan and Victoria you are second... Jon... you should go talk to Victoria." So he goes over and yells at her some more. I swear... he has never been closer to death than at that very moment... considering how many people were simultaneously praying for his demise. It was awesome... incredible.

Now, they filmed this a while ago... and edited it for Television. So they are a) expecting many many letters and calls from viewers...and b) I bet they left that scene in because she will get her revenge... either that or maybe Hayden will kick his ass! :D

Losers
"I just looked in the mirror and I look forty years older than when we started!" So... you were looking 80 when you started? Ar ar ar... ok, fine... Mj and Don were good eggs but really kinda dumb. I liked the Bowling Moms from Amazing Race 5 for this role much better... J
They were dead last... in fact we kept thinking it was like ... the next day!!! They were sooo far behind. Good bye!!

... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
Kendra ... you suck. Just say'en.

I want Victoria and Jon to win now... and when they win... I want her to draw a hand gun and put 20 grams of lead in the back of his head.



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