Survivor IX : Vanuatu
Wherein… Survivor's ring-of-fire series wraps up in typical style yet still manages to present some terrifying stereotypes that pound home the notion that it's nice to be frigg’en normal. If you are in any way "into" this show, you've seen the finale and know who wins... and we've all begun the two week countdown to forgetting everything about this show. So here's a few of my words about the shows final episode to wrap up this season of Survivor Updates!!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
After Jeff wanders through a complete series recap we land squarely in the ring with Twila and Gollum. Eliza's forehead wound is looking grim as she and Twila trade barbs trying to express how much they hate each other... Women! From there it's Immunity in this big ass Third World McDonalds Play Palace. A wooden vertical maze leading to a word puzzle that has Chris stepping on Eliza's head, and Twila losing an early lead while Chris nails "final three". Chris gives some dating advice to Twila, suggesting she ride Eliza like a dog... Eliza, meanwhile, goes on to get a major bitch mouth on at Twila during Tribal because Chris lied his ass off... again. He made her think she was safe... then, surprise, he kicks her Gollum-like self off the island. As it turns out, she actually thinks she's Cyclops, the X-Man, and spends the rest of the night trying to burn holes in Chris with her laser vision. (I'm making those dr. evil air quotes when I say "laser"...)
So it's the old bag of indian, the lying white guy, and the Angry Bumpkin Woman, doing the final journey thing... We endure yet another recap of the survivors and laugh as the camera pans Julies naked body and hear her quote about "It's kind of hard to know what to expose..." Jeff wears 'em out paddling and walking all over the place and then puts them barefoot on posts doing the warrior pose with a drawn bow. A paper "marker" will break if you loosen your grip on the arrow and your feet can't leave the posts. This is final-immunity! The old "Scout" lasts seven minutes then Chris and Twila fight it out for over an hour until Twila has a spaz attack handing Chris the final choice. Somewhere, Eliza is staring out across the water at Chris... Scout surprises everyone with either painful honesty or general dumbness and ensures she will not go any further. Chris was doubting Twila’s alliance and Scout set his mind at ease. They go to the last Pit Of Despair and he chucks Scout out to the Jury of chicks. Notes... Scout gives an "all class" exit speech. The various emotions on display in the Jury are a fucking joke, with Julie crying, Sarge looking ready to throttle someone, Ami doing the puke gesturing at Twila, and yes, Cyclops continuing the burn big holes in Chris.
They ask their questions, or, as in Eliza and Sarge’s case, they vent primal aggressive tendencies that should get them on FBI watch lists... Julie cries about how taken in she was with Chris's friendship, Cyclops calls everyone a bitch, Sarge bursts blood vessels all over his body, and Ami and Scout surprise me by actually having a human intellect - they were anger-free and had a bit of class. Twila stays the course with her "take no shit" 'tude, telling Eliza to jump in the lake when she asks for an apology and delivers a moving speech when Sarge acts like an asshole. Chris, however, just gets on his knees and sucks Eliza's cock till he's gagging on it. He brought Julie her hat... (awwww) He whimpers, and apologizes and continues to pull everyone’s ass cheeks apart so he can blow more smoke up their poopers. They vote... and Jeff blows his "I wanna do cool stuff" budget hiking, flying, parachuting and easy-rider'en to the CBS Television City studio for the finale deal.
Sadly, Twila has a big ass ugggggly mullet cooking on her head and Chris looks like that guy you saw screaming at the cashier in a fast food joint. Happily, the cameras linger on Ami and Julie in the jury... both looking fantastic by any standard of comparison. Everyone has seen the show now and some would have changed their votes but alas... it's time to give out the cash. For no good reason what so ever the idiots reward dumb luck, constant lying and extreme bullshit with a million dollars as Chris takes the prize leaving Twila with second place - one hundred thousand. The tax man commeth and she'll have like 40k.
Chris just did not deserve to win.
Jeff tells us about Survivor Palau and how "everything you thought you knew about survivor will change in the first ten minutes...". And dude... unless they're issuing hand guns next time... you know it's gonna be the all the same.
[ :: Survivor Palau :: ]
Most Memorable Moment
Secure in her position as Chris's favored girl, Eliza turns off all the filters at Tribal council and says "Twila you are like the cockroach under the fridge that wont die" ... and then Jeff reads the votes. Bwaahahahaha.... oh man, she was fucking stunned and gunned. She wanted to bite him. Her already hyperthyroid eyes pop all the way out and from their new vantage point hanging on her cheeks, she glares like mad at Chris.
~ I was really thinking Twila had the votes...
~ Thanks for reading these updates. I think they’re the reason I enjoy the show (god knows the show's wanting!) I appreciate your feedback and the fun we've had hacking about the show. Happy Holidays and I'll see next time. :D
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