Survivor IX : Vanuatu
Crazed Lesbian
Wherein... we are grossed green by Gollums emaciate form, we watch Ami's rack "shuffle" and we see Chris do the happy dance... endlessly. It's down to the final six on day 30 of Survivor Vanuatu... and it's a strange crew that landed here, considering the starting players. Oh and Scout limps around a bunch.
Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
What the hell is with people "swearing on..." their kids, their moms, their dead grandma... whatever. I mean...it's a game for cashola. There are no rules about lying people.!!! Er... where was I? oh yea... Today opens with the kids post Toss-Leann and Ami is right ready for a rip. She's not all pleased and does a little verbal abuse of Eliza that will cost her dearly. Chris, meanwhile, is dancing around, happy as a little girl as the women fight among themselves. It's Twila's lie to Ami that screwed her and ... so what?
Reward is a game played for a car and an overnight stay at a spa. It's all about swimming and struggling... and Eliza struggles the best. She, Ami and Chris end up at this resort where they are entertained by the Chamber Maids between shifts pretending they can play guitar. Oh, food, booze and showers are in that deal too. As the game is all about strategy now, Ami works on Eliza like mad but really that ship has sailed. Julie, Eliza and Ami are basically evil fucking cunts to Scout... not that it bugs me much, seeing as I'm quite sick of Scout. They play Shuffle Boobies for Immunity... and despite the fun name, it's really about accurate sliding on a big "shuffle board map" of the islands. It was close but Chris takes that – to his immense delight, and now it's all about whether or not Ami can get to Eliza. She tries ... and Jeff even gives the gang a good going over at "the Pit" making ‘em cry and whine... but ding dong the evil Ami is gone. People... the game is only fun if there's someone to dislike. And Gollum doesn't count... she's just scary.
Most Memorable Moment
Twila, who has lost plenty of weight on this little adventure, regards Eliza and calls her the "stick girl". Eliza has also lost weight but having started at "grossly underfed" she's now so much loose skin hanging on a possibly female skeleton. (um... how come her boobs still have shape?) Any ways, Eliza does this "try to touch your elbows behind your back" like guys asked girls to do in grade school so they could look at their boobs... sadly this was done so we could look at Gollums HORRIBLE shoulder blades stretching skin and looking like something from the out takes of filming "Live Aid".
A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
"I'm living with five wild cats... this is going to be fun." Not exactly sure how one man could be happier... Look up happy in Britannica... and there's Chris's picture.
"honey... you've been really about-to-go-home about 9 million times." Er, so Ami's one of those "millions of" people. They usually have no idea what they mean but like any good 6 year old can tell ya... if it's "millions" then it's better.
"I've lost all respect for Twila..." and it's clear that this is really breaking Twila up there Ami.
Twila: "let me clear this up... I'm not the only person to lie in this game... get over it... SCREW YOU!" bwaahahahahaa... and people on comfy sofas all over America start clapping.
Julie: "it's nice to have new smells... especially for Chris... because he stinks." Meow! Five feet huh...
And the last gasp...
Ami: "If I could hold Twila under water for a couple of minutes..."
Reward
A car and a trip to the spa...
The deal this time is that first, second and third place get to go on the trip, while "first" gets the car. (versus... "Pick two friends to go with") The game is a grueling endurance thing with ... swim, balance, swim, dive, return and repeat... three times to win.
Scout ... I don't understand why she even tries... they must be worried she'll kill herself. The game is a race between Eliza (skinny Gollum like "world food aid" needs her for posters), Ami, Chris and Julie. Eliza and Ami stay neck and neck but Ami actually begins to fade and falls twice at very inopportune moments landing a very close second to Gollum. Julie and Chris are also neck and neck leaving Scout and Twila WWWWAY behind. J and C actually stop to see if either of them is willing to cave ... and they both say that they want the prize so they freaking race... HARD! And Julie loses to Chris by less than five feet!!!! She must have been pissed. She has to endure scraggy old scout (die already) saying "at least Chris is there to keep Ami from working on Eliza" or something like that... Julie was seriously not a happy camper-girl.
They go to the "spa" and the locals offer to wash their garments... yeah, no fricking kidding... can you imagine how bad these three smell? They shower, drink and eat like mad. Reclining on lawn chairs Ami, the crazed lesbian, fancies herself a bit of a Hugh Hefner in her House Coat... They are entertained by a little local band that looked to me like the chamber maids on a break but ... whatever.
Immunity
Cool as cucumbers game... big big big shuffle board thing painted into a map of the Vanuatu Islands. Each player has five markers and the winner is the one with the most markers on "Islands" at the end... with "volcanoes" providing safety zones on some islands (your marker puck falls in the volcano and is safe). Fun game made all the more fun by the camera angle for each shot basically framing each players chest as she sends her marker across the table. "Shuffle Boobies" was looking very much like Ami's game till she totally fucked herself on her last shot and it goes to Chris... who immediately pee'ed himself.
Resident Evil
Man is she good. As soon as Ami gets Eliza alone she goes to work... if she's not talking about how she's saved Eliza or has been her big sister or is freaking plucking one another's eyebrows. I got a fiver that says the yanked will-knots off each other too... but I'll leave that for now. She's a master that Ami... good to the last drop with her effort to win that one vote from Eliza...
The Darwin Affect
When your stock is fluctuating, you don't make a spectacle of yourself. Scout goes for a blanket and we hear Ami holler "Get your own damn blanket... that one's ours." And she does that in front of Eliza and Julie. Now Julie's her bitch so cool, but Eliza is on the fence... and the heartlessness of that crack had to weigh on Eliza's thoughts. Besides... exactly what the fuck was Ami talking about? Scout should have walked over to her and coughed a loogie on Ami for that crack. However, Scout can hardly walk any more... but then again, she's got one leg and she's about three hundred years old.
Tribal Council
Well ol'Sharks Tooth Jeff (what's with the silver tooth choker he's wearing?) really gets ‘em going spending a good bit of time on the Ami / Eliza relationship thing... So much so that they both end up in tears – and Eliza still fries Ami. Ami tries to run the notion of how horrible it was that Twila "swore on her son" ... and I just cannot get that? Lie yer ass off... it's freaking Survivor dude. Of course, true to form, Twila tears a strip off Ami for that crack which includes a healthy "screw you". Bwaahahaha... They vote and Scout gets her two votes but the other four are all about Ami.
Two things...
~ Twila has it all... plays a straight game... all game and no fucking around. Good. Excellent... then why oh why do the previews for next week show Twila freaking out?
~ it's down to Julie (only eye candy), Scout (smelly old bird), Eliza (Gollum!), Twila and Chris. Now there is a big push for Chris to win but I would sure like to see freak-show Twila win. She's been playing a stand up game... where as Chris has been a lucky pawn in every element of strategy.
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