Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Survivor IX Update!!!


Survivor IX : Vanuatu


I feel a disturbance in the force!




Wherein... Jeff's gimps are subjected to emotional abuse and physical torture. It's all about bull shit and back stabbing now, as the tide of power shifts back and forth. The most unlikely person emerges as the freaking Jedi Master and things really spin in a new direction. Fun! (finally)



Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Night 27 is all about the story... and Chris is telling it to the Nazi Section Chiefs, Ami and Leann. He rolls on Twila and Scout and unknowingly sends a ripple through the game that changes everything. Leann goes directly to Twila and scams through any defenses Twila might have had to confirm Chris's story. From there it's off to the big ass cry fest that is the Family Visit Episode. Reward is for a "hour long cam chat" with your loved one. They all get a 1 minute teaser and there is much bawling, whimpering, and general drippyness... except with Julie. She's thinking it's cool beans but she's not off her nut about it. Twila, mind you, sets the bar to a new height with the expression of her emotions. She had me all misty about how excited she was... The game comes down to a twitching and bawling Eliza versus Julie... and Julie totally gives it away! Of course, Jeff is just fucking with them and the "loved ones" are here for torture. It starts with Eliza getting the bring mommy back to camp. That mouth didn't fall from the mouth-tree muchachos. Noting that the lesbians don't get to press the flesh, while the GBMWP's (George Bush Man Woman Pairing) get to suck face... oh sure, Scout, Ami and Leann all hug their friends but they don't lock it on and swap juice like the GBMWP's do. Leann and Ami strap on some Jack Boots and put the screws to Scout and basically tell her that Julie has taken Scouts place (big dumb mistake here...) and then they totally fuck with Twila (another big mistake). Immunity is all about the survivors guiding their blind folded "loved ones" through an obstacle course by screaming... a lot! Meanwhile Jeff laughs. Ami takes the necklace this time and doffs it like a frigg'en crown. Leann and her boss, Ami, decide to tell everyone else that Eliza has to go instead of Chris and I suspect the "loved one" visit had something to do with this... But while Chris is wetting himself about this, Twila swoops in and plants herself a wee seed. She gets Chris to start thinking about the numbers and the game is on. Eliza, Chris, Twila, and Scout cut Ami's big giant testicles off and send Leann to the jury. Bwaahahaha...

Most Memorable Moment
Soooo many to choose from!!! Eliza's Mom walking into a tree? Eliza's mom stripping on the beach? (ewww) Jeff laughing at his sub's as he tortures them? Nope... it was Sarge and Chad... nudging one another and laughing when Leann has her head set on fire... er... I mean got her ass kicked off the island.

A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
Scout: "I told myself I'd play this game with morals, fairness and honesty, and if that didn't work, I'd lie, cheat and steal." Which is all well and good, but you know you threw that first bit in just to make yourself feel good.

Komondant Leann: "You vill give uz ze answers. You vill do zis now or suffer mine fuher's anger. Speak dog!" ... or something like that. :)

Dom Jeff, teeth expressing his glee, comments as the immunity challenge begins; "This is gonna be fun..."

"you're other right!!" and, of course, that would be Twila talking to her kid.

Komondant Leann: "So.. ve vill remove the skinny one, becawze zis is vot I vant!"

Twila, to no one and everyone: "It just frik'en pisses me off!!!" at which point, all her Jedi powers seem to coalesce into a shimmering haze around her.

Master Twila, to Chris, after his apple was bobbed by Julie telling him that Eliza is up for adoption, "you don't want these droids... they are not the droids you are looking for." (in Twila speak, however, it sounds more like: "You can change this game! Who are you talking to?")

Komondant Leann: "Zer iz notting for to vitch I should be concerned. Ve are, after all, ze superior race!"

Reward
Answer me these questions three...
Actually it's five, and if you get the best score you get to spend an hour with your loved one on the internet. Um... well they all get this one minute teaser, with this zero lag (hint hint hint) video chat. Twila, who can't type goes first and is just pouring tears... They all take their turn at bawling over a keyboard like so many hard core EMO's on a Friday night IRC binge. Julie, however, is ambivalent and thinks it's cool. The game comes down to Eliza and Julie playing a tie breaker and Julie literally does not write down any answers, opting instead to let Eliza win. Eliza, has to wipe the gob off her chin (she's so blubbery) and then Jeff yanks their "loved ones" out from behind yon bush. (surprise). Eliza gets her mom for the night and the rest get a squish moment. Sadly, Ami and Chrissie didn't hit the sand and start making out. As fun as all this is, Eliza's mom is clearly the genetic source code for Gollum and her mouth. Oh, and she's tells everyone she wont double dip when she tries the shitty banana dip with whatever crusty bit their calling food these days. (double dip? Mom... there's bugs walking across this stuff... big bugs!) As a final bit of fun, Mom yanks off her shirt and gives it to Gollum before she leaves. Fortunately Eliza didn't need a liner.

Immunity
The "loved ones" get hauled out again and this time they're blind folded and forced to walk a pattern, collecting bags of puzzle pieces. They are lead through the course by their associated survivor screaming at them. Fun eh. Eliza's mom just wanders around accomplishing nothing. Twila's son reminds mom that he has no idea what left and right are, and Leann decides that her friend is not going to win so they just make out for a while. Chris is absolutely certain (because they told him as much) that he is going home so the fire is licking his balls as he plays this game, screaming himself mute and then he and his wife-to-be go mental on the puzzle, only to lose the game to Ami and the woman she can't marry in far too many States.

Resident Evil
Leann is just swimming in a big pool of "am I not awesome or what?" and thinks she's immune. Ami, who remains dramatically smarter than the other players realize, is being careful but cannot hide from her own power position. Leann just wears hers like a neon strobe light... and it pisses off ... everybody else.

The Darwin Affect
The moment you hear yourself saying "I have nothing to worry about..." begin to worry. Leann at the Tribal Council meeting comments that she didn't feel she was competing in a life or death game in Immunity... and well, look where that gets her.

Tribal Council
Jeff... absolutely beside himself with excitement as he anticipates the outcome of tonight's meeting, draws Leann out enough to get the "I'm not worried" comment and when the votes come back... it's a couple for Eliza... (she was packed and ready...) and the rest for Leann. She was clearly not expecting that. After the second Leann vote Ami was totally clued in and was wearing a seriously wicked face. When the last vote fell ol Chris was about as smug as it is possible for a single human to get... and everything effectively changed. :D Bu-bye Leanne.

Two things...
~ Remember last season... this was about when that little fucker told everyone his grandma had died. Hahahaha... the was easily the best lie ever told on reality television.
~ is Leann gay? I didn't think she was... but but ...



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