Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

The Amazing Race 6 Update!!!

Amazing Race 6

Victoria Squeaks.

Start yer engines... Oh god, where to start? We have significant wife abuse, engaged models crying in the penalty box, grand theft auto, love on the rocks, and a strange pairing of regular Olympic rowing with ... the special Olympics version.

Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(a brief look at the show’s mechanics!)
Iceland, the land of fire and ice...
Say good bye.
~ Bunch-up as you Fly to Norway...
~ Oslo, in fact, and find the big-ass ski jump.
~ Road Block: Climb up and then zip line down the big-ass ski jump...
(note: New Rule: each player may only do a max of six road blocks.)
~ Drive to a remote "Viking village campground", and sleep over.
~ Wake up, make two teams and row two Viking boats in a race.
~ then find your way to the train station (in Honivos) and get to the town of Vos.
~ Detour: endurance – roller ski 1 ¾ miles, accuracy – play kubbs, throw an axe and shoot a bow.
~ high tail it to the checkpoint.

Most Memorable Moment
Hard choice today: Is it the trunk of the SUV clocking Victoria in the head when Jon decides she needs more punishing? SheRa grabbing Phil? Or maybe Jon proclaiming his "firstness" as he arrives (3rd) at the Viking Village... or wait... no, I got it... The boats! Two teams form the morning after sleeping in the Viking village. Team one versus team two in a Viking boat race to the next clue. Team one? Stroke... Stroke... Stroke... a well oiled machine with Bilbo and SheRa leading the steady strokes. Team two? Well, that would be the short boat team... oars in the air, bonking one another... crying... fuck, it was like a scene from One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. Yes, Jon was in Boat number two. In fact, he took the time to not only yell his wife, the ever put-upon Victoria, but also leveled a little at Meredith... She was crying in the car. So much for the gaydar going off on Mere and Marie... she’s too much of a weenie... and everybody knows the lesbian couples on Amazing Race are strong... you know, like Gus and Hera... excellent lesbians those two. :D

A bug just flew into your mouth...
Aaron: "Haydon can be very bossy... and I love that about her." Hahahaha... right... what’s a cubit? Dude that sure sounds like "famous last words" to me...

~ that would be Adam as he poops his pants, screaming like a little girl, zip lining down from the big ski jump... Way to let the species down there Adam.

~ SMACK! That would be the sound of Jon reaching back and ... HITTING Victoria. (no really... SMACK!)

"If you ever tell me to take off my sunglasses again... I will never talk to you again..." ???????????????????
"Rebecca... I don’t want you to not love me..."
~ Adam you really are four aren’t you... Just a really big four... and a bit of an EFFEMINATE WHINEY SMACK MONKEY.

Fat Albert: "There’s another car... we gotta get out fast!" Woah... slow down there tiger... Look at yourself? You’re not doing anything fast!

The Good
Ok... got it? Use it baby... The Mormon hookers er... Kristy and Lena get off a plane having acquired a wee boy to assist them... I can just hear the conversation on the plane "how much for the little boy?" and this kid totally knows the Oslo zone and directs our mindless Brittney’s on their cross Norway journey while everyone else ... gets lost. They dump him when they get to the Viking village and we don’t even get a hint of how they paid him for his services. In the end, the Viking Village turns out to be a "bunch up point" so their lead is pointless but ... way smart girls. Of course, they go on to get lost on their way to the check point and go from like third to second last so maybe only a "special kind of smart" that comes with a pretty smile, and cleavage.

Oh, Bilbo and SheRa are kind of low key tonight... they just cruise through the process without a hitch... and at the checkpoint, when they are unsure of their poll position, Phil tells ‘em they’re fifth. She’s way pleased with that... in fact SHE GRABS PHILL BY THE SCRUFF OF HIS NECK with a Hooot! Gah!!!! His face is freaking priceless. Hahahaha...

The Bad
Geeeezus that Adam guy is a whiney little thing. He goes up the ski jump thing to be STRAPPED INTO A HARNESS and ride a zip line down. He was squirming, and totally panicked... screaming his last words to his mom. At the boat race, Becca tells him to lose the shades so he can see better. He blows up at her for this... then the camera holds on him as he sneaks his glasses off and puts them... somewhere. Then in the car he realizes he has forgotten his glasses... and he fucking goes mental on Becca because... well, it’s her fault, right? Shit man, she’s crying in the back seat and I just wanted to grab him by his stupid hair horns and introduce him to mr. knee-cap. Well, she’s got back... and a back bone... and calls him out to say (and I’ll paraphrase to save you gagging on bile) "You fucking suck ass dick head, and I don’t want your shit no more." Of course, he begins to whine and weep and she ... gets... him... back under control. The sociology lessons embodied in that whole exchange are just fricking horrible.

The Ugly
Yeah, so ... um... no zip line for you Gus? Hahaha... Hey Hey Hey... ! Hera, who is no doubt in great physical shape... does the zip and typically demurs from all things physical so her slow, fat and dorky dad can avoid looking ... slow fat and dorky.

The Detour is fun... it’s pouring rain and the kids have to either strap on roller Skis (these three foot long sticks with wheels) and ski around the town of Kubb or go to a field and play a near impossible game called Kubbs and if they make it through that, they throw an axe at a target then shoot an arrow. This detour highlights the idea that THE ENTIRE CREW IS FUCKING SPAZ CITY. Arrows into the night, axes everywhere, and racers splayed out in Roller Ski’s like so many shoppers at an open air market in Israel after some Palestinian blows it up. Now, Aaron... Mr. "I love that she’s all bossy" is just not having the best day of his life with the damn skis. Oh god, he was falling on his ass so hard I was wincing. And there’s Bossy Pants telling him she’s sorry and would he please hurry up. Hahaha... I was certain that one of his skis was coming off so he could beat her into next week with it.

Team Depends keep getting nasty with each other and have their moments of game like hiding in a parking lot so Jon will get or stay confused... but it all comes to a head for them when they ... get in the wrong car and take off. They had to double back and switch with the agitated Rebecca and Miss Pissy Pants Adam.

The Unbelievably Pathetic
Let’s just cover the smaller case first... Kendra is kinda pushy but Freddy is an absolute moron. She’s worried about losing their clue and instead of looking for it (the camera takes the time to zoooom in on it where it lays on the ground) he BREAKS THE RULES and goes back to take another clue. This earns them both a 30 minute penalty at the checkpoint. Three (??) other teams come in while they cool their jets... whimpering and hugging.

Now... Jon and Victoria. She’s a freaking nag like you cannot believe but I get the feeling that she’s only a nag because HE IS A FUCKING ASS WIPE OF OUTSTANDING PROPORTIONS and if she didn’t nag his sorry ass he’d walk in front of a buss. (which sounds like a great thing, btw). He verbally abuses the crap out of her... she ends up crying... like ten times over the course of two days. She cries so hard she’s squeaking like a mouse trying to talk. Not only does he actually reach out and HIT her when she’s nagging at him over writing down directions he’s getting from some local when they get to the Viking village he closes the trunk of the SUV on her head. Ok, it’s not like he squished her but he did "clip" her head and it had to have hurt. Then, in the village, IN FRONT OF Lena and Kristy, he starts demanding apologies from her and shit. I just wanted to reach into the screen and wring his neck!!!

Well... half of this race leg involved driving a standard shift vehicle across Norway. Merideth and Maria ... have no idea how to drive a stick. And apparently it never occurs to them to ask someone for instruction or assistance. I mean, Lena and Kristy flash some flesh and get a private cabana boy to lead them across the country but these two ... literally cannot drive 10 feet without stalling. They were totally fucked with that. They kept making it from one clue to the next but – for example – it was dawn in the Viking village when they arrived. The didn’t stand a chance and they are officially out of there.

... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
Gus and Hera ... the lesbians... hahahaha... came in second this round, losing to surfer boy Jon and his date Kris only because they stopped for additional directions (and no doubt a ho ho or two for Gus).

As far as the money goes... I’m still thinking Bilbo and SheRa.

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  • shiver

    You know that shiver you get through your shoulder blades and down your back when you feel cold. Maybe you’ve just left the restaurant and you’re…

  • selfie

    as I read and read and read about "Selfies"... I quietly say to myself... "um... yeah, tell me again how selfies are a new thing." lol. :)

  • Monday, February 17, 2014

    Hiya. :) Today was one of those “oh look… LJ is still there” days. Oh how I miss the old days when LJ was pretty much a playground filled with my…