Survivor IX : Vanuatu
Is this the Dr. Phil Show?.
Wherein… the old squaw decides it’s time to bump off a white girl, and while the girls abuse the hell out of Julie, Eliza is whisked away by strong hands… all so that they can catch a bitch’en buzz with a bunch of locals. Twila not only hangs well, she also finds herself holding two strings. Alas, Ami gets out all her guns and works her jedi master magic.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Girls girls girls… with Chris and Chad. Scout is seeing her place in the final four going to Julie so decides to gun for Eliza. She drags C & C into her plot but it’s Reward time and random teams result in Chris, Ami, Eliza and Chad going on a sleep over with a bunch of druggies in bum fuck Egypt because Eliza is so easily manhandled. Julie, meanwhile gets the crap kicked out her in Reward. The rains come big and drowns Scout, Julie, Leann and Twila. This sets a mood for Scout to work her plot but she underestimates the awesome might of Dr. Evil and her “Laser Beams”. The party animals come back to camp and, for some whacky reason, expect streamers and a parade. Chris morphs into Dr. Phil for a while and then they play Immunity. It’s a game of climbing up eight feet in the air and hanging on to a big ol’pole and not letting go. Last one on the pole gets the necklace. So, of course, Twila holds on with her freaking teeth and wins. She foreshadows the outcome of tonight’s show by telling Chad to quit … and he does. Twila tries to parley her attitude into votes but finds herself between a rock (Ami) and a bunch of hamsters (everyone else). They go to council and let Jeff pull all their chains. Ami does another one of her now classic passive aggressive attacks on Twila and it’s vote time. They toss Chad and his terminator foot off the island and all eyes turn to watch Chris begin to shrivel up like a grape in the desert.
Most Memorable Moment
Night vision video, taking in the winners of the Reward Game as the full impact of the Kwava they drank sinks in. Chad has the look of school jock that tried smoking dope for the first time but sucking back a couple of hot-knives, and the universe is spinning like mad… Meanwhile, Chris looks like it’s just another Saturday night… heck… Tuesday night. :D hahaha… No really, Chad is absolutely baked. The camera holds his semi-conscious form lying on the ground moaning “kwaaavaaaa”.
A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
Chad: “Kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. (bwaahahahaha)
Julie: “Piss and moan… It’s what we can do!”
Leanne: “and I don’t care if I can’t swear!”
As the rain drowns the girls at camp, they reveal a conversation with the production crew. I can just see Leann yelling “Fuuuuuuuck” and being told “hey,… you can’t swear!” “oh… what can we do?” “you can piss and moan, but don’t swear!”. Hahaha… succckas!
As the girls struggle to have a plan, Chris opines: “When you question a woman’s character… she’ll snap your neck! When you open up your heart and show a woman you’re vulnerable, well the boom boom dog face to the banana factory…” then monkeys start to shoot out of his ass… his face mask starts melting away… and presto… It’s Dr. Phil.
“Please god… Chad… go down!!” This is Twila, during the immunity competition, obviously channeling a memory of an encounter with some unfortunate lover.
“I don’t like that bitch [eliza]. She’s bugged me from day one!” Ah come on Twila, don’t hold back.
“You can never be 100% sure here…” that’s Twila on trusting other players.
“I think that’s total bullshit!” and that’s Yoda embracing the force. Ami goes on to say that she totally knows who to trust etc and blah blah blah. Man, it would have been fucking perfect if a sub plot had her voted out of the game right after that… hahaha…
Jeff, during tribal, after chucking Chad off: “The women must be thinking, ‘where do I stand in the pecking order?” ‘because, the seeds of discontent only grow if you plant them.
Ok so dig this… take a pair of obstacle courses and run a rope through each, twisting over and under all the walls, fences, posts etc. Now put a belt on each of Julie and Eliza and a solid metal ring on the belt. Now feed the beginning of that rope through her ring. When the whistle blows the goal is to get “ring girl” to the other end of the rope. Dudes… picture Julie slamming her bare tummy, arms, legs, etc against these posts and walls and being dragged up, under, over and around the course. She’s small to start with but she’s no Eliza. Eliza is like a Tim Burton puppet man… all neck, bones and mouth. Two teams, randomly selected put Julie with Scout, Leann and Twila and puts Eliza with Chris, Chad and Ami. The boys and her highness pick up Eliza, and run her through the course like a rag doll. Julie, on the other hand, gets the fucking shit kicked out of her. When they lose (and it was very close but thanks only to the abuse she suffered) she is crying… “over the loss”, she says, but watch her… she can hardly freaking move for the next two days…
Any ways, the boys, Ami and Eliza win. Jeff tells them to “Take yer pig and head on out”. Surprisingly they don’t all grab Eliza and walk…
The reward is to take the pig and catch a plane ride to b.f.e. somewhere in the islands and give said pig to a chief and be entertained all night. HA! Give the dude the pig, get another pig in return and then DRINK A BUCKET OF KWAVA. That stuff has several drugs in it and they all get freaking wasted. For some stupid reason, they don’t bring the pig they are given home (despite the fact that it’s about fifteen meals in one package) and they eat some really gross local fare and sleep it off in a hut. The entertainment package includes a lot of singing and dancing which no doubt sounds great after a mug of Kwava. They sleep and return the next day filled with stories of how adorable the kids were… the songs and the trip. However, Scout and the crew are less than happy about a night of rain so they act totally retarded about the reward deal.
The plot in camp thickens as the boys and Scout try to sort things out for Eliza to go, but Ami is all over them with a very hard nose attitude that sums up to “get the testicles out or suffer my wrath!”. However its game time and they play this hold-the-pole thing. Everybody has to climb up this pole that has “notches” cut into it at intervals. Hang on tight and stay. Last one on the pole wins. It looked horribly hard but I suspect there had to be a trick or two to doing this. These are not budding members of the cirque de sole so those “tricks” remain hidden. Julie, the tortured soul from the reward game falls off the post first. Everybody else goes, of course, but importantly, Chad goes second last as Twila (who, honest to god was BITING this rope thing on the pole to hang on) begs him to climb down. Twila wins and unfortunately this only solidifies her position as “swing vote” girl if the Scout versus Ami plot is going to be followed. The boys don’t know it but that ship has sailed and Ami is back in control of her little minions. :)
The Darwin Affect
Exactly what the fuck were they thinking when they decided to not bring the other little piggie back to camp??? Unless there was some rule made about not being allowed to kill anything besides fish to eat this was the absolute dumbest thing ever. And the sound bite went to Chris with “We don’t even want the pig…”
It’s Eliza versus Chad according to the Ami / Scout plot but in the end, only the two boys will vote for Eliza making her, no doubt, get a serious hate on for them. Chad goes, so Eliza is officially not Chris’s friend. That all worked well for Scout… painting a big bulls eye on her head and making Chris look like the evil one… Ami, aka Yoda, has everyone under control as she no doubt has the force on her side.
~ next week… looks a lot like Scout will be made to suffer for her dalliance in power this week. Hahaha
~ When Scout goes to the Jury she will work tirelessly to not let Ami win the money. However, if Ami is one of two at the end with Scout… Ami will get more votes. She should try to take Scout to the end. However, I’m getting a “Twila Wins” vibe thing. :D
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