Survivor IX : Vanuatu
The Charlottes Web Edition
Wherein...we are treated to relative hilarity as team estrogen rises up to smother the testosterone junkies. It’s clearly a game of man-ipulation now, and the spider images can’t come quickly enough. Oh, and this weeks dagger is delivered with great big fat gobs of fun attached!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Night eighteen is the night the sun came out for Thumb Thumb as every brain cell gave it up to worship the guy with the little head. Julie snuggles up to Sarges crotch by the fire and ... lingers. He’s beside himself and the boys are all over it the next morning. She demonstrates her x-men like powers further, when Julie convinces Sarge to pull his shorts down and tan his big hairy white ass. Of course, Julie’s delicate cheeks remain a central element of everybody’s daily menu. Sarge lets us know he’s comfortable with this though... because... he’s "been to Europe". Meanwhile Julie is dancing around laughing till snot is shooting out her nose. Back at camp lesbian, Rory is about go Son of Sam on his bitches but first they need to lose a reward game. They can’t toss a can of water around as effectively as Lopevi, but believe me, it’s pure fucking comedy watching them try. Sarge, who is still dizzy with throbbing endorphins gorges on the chocolate reward to the point of illness. When he’s passed out, Chris continues his plot to form secret alliances with... everyone. (this will be his undoing). The kids all meet again to play immunity and it turns into the first solo immunity as they merge. Scout practically cums-out-loud over getting to put her hands on Twila again, and watching Gollum er... Elize pluck Julies eyebrows was so "monkey grooming" that I was looking for her tail. But first they play a game. Run, swim, climb, balance, dive, swim, run, repeat... three times. Then do it all over again. Gah... Ami continues to present the nicest rack to ever grace Survivor with all that bikini, water and running stuff, but Sarge is the Marathon Man so he’s safe. Back at camp Alinta (new tribe) the girls go freaking nuts on each other and the boys who have completely lost their collective minds actually believe that Twila and Julie are on side. Sarge goes highschool over Julie letting Ami touch and hug her... apparently there were no Lesbians in that Europe place he went to. No, I don’t think Julie’s a lesbian. Everybody plots like mad but it’s all for shit as they get to the Pit of Despair where Jeff feeds Rory enough rope to make the girl’s "Rory Burger" extra crispy. The girls fry him like a mushroom in a French kitchen. The boys are officially scared.
Most Memorable Moment
But there were sooo many. Sarge’s face when Julie was snuggling his monkey, Chris’s face when he sees Sarge tanning his ass, Jeff cracking up when they were throwing the water buckets at each other, Eliza plucking Julies eyebrows, Fuzzy video on Sarges butt crack during the immunity game, the girls body painting one another, Ami... generally...
And the winner is... Chad’s face when Rory’s death vote was read. Dude was looking like you could slide a pool cue into his mouth and all the way down to his foot.
A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
"Next thing I know, Julie sits down between my legs to get warm."
Ok Sarge, lets translate that:
What he wanted to say: "And Julie, driven by her proximity to my manly spear, crawled towards my penis and began to snuggle it. Her warmth against my enormous cock gave me wood like you cannot freaking imagine."
What he would say under Sodium Pentothol: "And all of a sudden my brain jumped out through my ears and ran away... Julie turned me into her Jack Russell Terrier by allowing her soft body to press up against my unwashed and smelly smack monkey. I will now return to my pubescent self and become possessive, jealous, and generally insane in all matters concerning her."
On seeing Julies ass as she continues to reduce the boys to cave man levels of intellect, Sarge bursts out with "I’m comfortable with it, because... I’ve been to Europe." WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? A lot of half naked European women haunting the hallowed walls of embassy guard huts and parking garages are there? Careful Sarge... that Thumb Head of yours is sprouting a bit of a hang nail.
Julie: "If they keep me around for visual stimulation, ... then I’ve got it made don’t I." Word dat sugar-snacks, in fact, take it to the next level. Drive the Christian right apoplectic and start giving ‘em all hand jobs.
"Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me!" How ironic Rory.
"I’m sick of them [yasur]... just sick of them!" Again with the irony.
"Dude... I think you both have a leg up on me." Absolutely true Chris, and seeing as your talking to Chad-of-the-terminator-leg, utterly hysterical.
Scout: "I’ve missed Twila way down in places I can’t talk about..." Ewwwww...
"I really hope that like a bad rash, you’re gone!" Oh geez... stop it Rory... yer killing me.
So it’s a relay thing... one person fills a bucket with water and then they have to "toss the bucket" a foot or so to the waiting hands of the next person, and then at the end, toss the water only to the anchor person who is holding a second bucket. Then that gets poured into a bucket atop a small structure that acts like a pulley, lifting a torch up in the air when enough water is poured in.
The winners get choco-chip cookies, milk and big honking choco cake. Geezus... that’s sickening... Why not some real food? Gah..
Any ways Rory looked like the odds-on-favorite with his various techniques of "catching" the water at the end but Chris beats him due to the speed with which Lopevi repeated the process. Note that the experience was hilarious. Right at the beginning, Rory takes a bucket full right in the face as the tosser misjudges the idea.
Lopevi wins the right to get sick to their stomachs and shit like sick monkeys for three days...lucky little monkeys. :D
This was a grueling game of swimming to a raft and climbing up to retrieve a flag and return it to a peg on the beach... three times. Eliza, Sarge, Ami, and Rory win their heats and end up facing off. Then, one by one, they give up as Sarge dominates. In the initial heats we watch Scout tries to put on a good show of trying... I thought she was dead for sure.
Ami, evil though she may be, puts on a great show running around, Eliza scares the shit out of me, and I’m glad CBS and their sponsors felt coving Sarge’s ass crack with fuzzy video was a good idea.
So Ami is well and truly the lord of the fly-ettes. Julie gets special mention for her fabulous manipulation of Sarge, especially because it looks like it was just enough to drive him completely crazy. But Ami is the puppet string puller and the boys know this... they tried to off her... but they forgot where they were for a minute. That minute lead to Rory thinking and talking like he was golden and had survived the terror of prolonged exposure to Scout etc. Ami was wearing a phenomenally great "evil knowledge" face as the votes started to be read out by Jeff. Wow!
The Darwin Affect
Chris... I’m just say’en, he’s making secret alliances with everybody and when the time comes, that’s not going to mean shit. He feels all safe, which is a clear indication that he’ll go soon.
Julie, apparently courting the pay-attention-to-me-because-I’m-a-beauti
Watching Rory talk about his safety was delicious as we waited to confirm that Twila and Julie had maintained their girlli-girl alliance and stuck to the company line. They had, and while Chad and Chris foolishly expected Twila and Julie to vote for Ami to go, they were all struck numb as Rory got his punk ass burned on both cheeks. Hahahaha... it was absolutely fabulous. !!!
~ Scout is looking a lot like several totem poles I’ve seen growing up!
~ I’m so jazzed to see Sarge realize he will never have Julie snuggle his dangly bits again... hahahahahaha...
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