Survivor IX : Vanuatu
Wherein...little red laser targeting dots appear on John and Rory’s foreheads and basically stay there, thanks in no small part to their behaviour. The girls catch a break and Bum Bum Girl (Julie) totally hoodwinks Twila. It’s nice how they all play so well together. Oh, and I’m not sure how much longer I can watch Sarge with spittle dribbling out of his mouth. Either he goes, or Julie puts her pants back on.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
We open with John sloth’ing it up at camp Work-Like-A-Dog-Lopevi and Rory praying back at Camp Vagina. I could stop right there and it would be an accurate portrayal of the whole show... but I’ll give a little more... just for fun. :)
Rory, having shit out the last of his brains, gives "threatening Rory" a tryout with Ami and is lucky she didn’t beat him senseless for his trouble. Reward is a game played to get letters from home, having a go at a big continental breakfast and a coffee maker to take back to camp... although there is no mention of the generator to plug it into. The game is all about carrying a cup of juice through an obstacle course and Yasur actually manages to win despite Leann being a complete spaz. It’s day 17 and everybody can be lumped into one of two camps... those that are playing the game and those that are just too stupid. Twila, being only slightly smarter than a small pile of rocks, is bamboozled by Julie... and Rory remains openly targeted by the many many breasts in Camp V. They play immunity with a sling shot, trying to break targets. It’s a game with a twist that ends up pitting Ami against Rory (same tribe!!!) and Rory manages to save his own ass... and Lopevi is off to Tribal Council where we watch as John takes the walk into the big black despite the editors working on us with Julie and Chad distractions. (hahaha... Like those boys are going to send Julies bum cheeks away... hahahaha)
Most Memorable Moment
When Rory comes screaming out of the bushes... clutching madly at the big stick Ami rammed into his ass and flies across the camp crying out for medical attention...
Oh wait... Ok. So that didn’t actually happen. It should have...
So the MMM that actually happened? Um... well, there was this moment when John tries to get Twila and Julie to work with him on an Anti Chad campaign. Twila is loading up little Julie with 11 foot long tree trunks and branches... and big strong Twila basically slaps Julie on the ass telling her to go ahead like she was her own private pack mule.
A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
Rory, unburdened by any mental capacity: "If I get smoked, how far are you going to get?" ... and he says this Ami and Leann. Hahahaha... Leann grabs his arms while Ami drop kicks him in the chin and then hammers his ass with a branch... oh wait... that was just in the little bubble over Ami’s head.
"They told me I was in the final four... did they say the same to you?" Wohoo... look at you go! Julie lays it on thick (she’s totally lying) in her one on one with Twila to get T-girl to fess up to an alliance with the boys. She (Julie) succeeds in shoving a small wedge into Twila’s plans.
Jeff, during the Immunity game: "Julie tries to bend low..." Biscuit girl Julie, failing to use a sling shot effectively returns to her only real asset. She stands there.. pushing her ass out behind herself like maybe the other team members will be soooo taken with her bum. (it works, btw)
"All rough red necks have been loyal to me." well now John ... aren’t those just the words of prophecy! First of all, I have to wonder... are there soft and squishy red necks? And second of all... WHHHHHAT?????
John: "We don’t always have to be working!" ah yes... dead man walk’en the mile boss... dead man walking the green mile.
Jeff: "So John... what could Twila do better?"
John: "Well Jeff... she could take a nap."
Bwwahahahaha... and the little target laser dot on his head grows to gargantuan proportions and covers his whole body.
So... crack this coconut, pour the juice into this little shell thing, and carry it through an obstacle course. When you get to the end... pour what’s left into a bottle. When you fill yer bottle, bring the bottle back to the starting line and claim your prize. So far so good.
Well every one of these lil’chickens is so malnourished and messed up that they were shaking like a family of Mexicans loaded into a freezer come’en into San Antonio. I swear they were spilling half of it just from having the delirium tremors. Scout – redefining useless – just pours hers out at the get go so she doesn’t have to even try and in the end, the Yasur girls win the day despite Leann rushing back to the finish line without the bottle... and then TRIPPING with the bottle (No really... she fell over and almost fucking dumped their bottle!!!! – SPAZ) The prize is a trip to this grass hut decked out with a continental breakfast, pictures from home, letters, and a coffee maker and supplies to take back to camp. Exactly how they are supposed to plug it in is not addressed but I’m guessing it’s not a wind up toy.
Yasur – The Girls
No really... a bunch of girls and their buttler. Except they dislike their butler despite his obvious skills at buttel’ing. He’d make his ancestors proud with how well he slaves for these white women. Of course, his brain is located in his finger nails and he bit off humility ages ago.
Ami could care less if they lose immunity. She can’t wait to get rid of Rory. The rest of the girls are at various stages of malnutrition, with Eliza shaking all the time, Leann looking gaunt, and Scout? Well I don’t how Scout has managed to still be here but some pact she made with the devil years ago is prol’y at the heart of it.
Lopevi – The Boys
They lose so big tonight... hahaha... This is Chad, Sarge, Chris, Twila, Julie and John. John manages to sleep all day long... which, of course, makes him just so appreciated by his fellow campers. He accurately focuses on the way the sympathy vote will go to Chad suggesting he should be the one to go but that logic will have to wait because John is soundly despised by the whole tribe. Whenever you hear someone say "You don’t have to work all the time." You know that person is on their way out.
Stand and shoot. It’s sling shot day, reminding Sarge of his days shooting out windows somewhere (or so he said). The idea is to shot out these targets hung on this big square. Each row representing one of your team’s shooters. If that shooters row is shot out completely then he/she sits down and waits. Get all of the targets and win the game. So you could, theoretically, shoot out the weak shooters row first and keep good shots up shooting to hurry up and win. That being said, Ami immediately targets Rory’s row because she really doesn’t like him despite anything she says to the contrary. He goes if they get to Tribal so she’s good with any result. Rory, however, has other plans and shoots out Ami’s row first and goes on to carry the team to another win. This puts Lopevi on the hot seat!
Sorry but Chris just makes me wanna scream. He’s like that kid that drank too much and laughs while he throws up on the sofa at your birthday party. What?
The Darwin Affect
Rory you are such a pencil. I’m just say’en... idiot. He must have taken that short lived course at college "how to engender yourself to Lesbians" written and presented by Dick Chaney. I mean... seriously... how fucking stupid is it to tell the strongest women on your team..."You would suck without me." ... idiot.
Yeah well Jeff hands John some rope... so John ... hangs himself... twice, just to be certain. The editors tried to make us think Julie might go ... as Ami in Yasur is sure will happen ... however this is Camp Dangly Bits and there is little or no chance they will push the girl with the nice ass into the big black. I mean, it’s as transparent as glass... attractive bare bum = Sarge mopping drool off his chest all day long. And what sarge wants... matters.
Any ways... Chad gets a single vote then John grabs the rest and feels all crest fallen when he goes.
~ this show kinda sucks cocks in hell... don’t you think? They really need to spice it up... I say kill someone... maybe a shark attack on Rory.
~ I bet the merge is coming next week.
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