Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor IX Update!!!

Survivor IX : Vanuatu

The Pringles Episode

Wherein...the buffs drop and get picked back up again with a marginal effort to redraw the lines. Age gets a nod for leadership but it’s all about brawn when the games are played. Angry lesbians, racism, and the incredible capacity of middle America to churn out people that are as dumb as rocks fills your tv screen tonight.

Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Day eleven and the boys are fight’en over who gets to sit where. When Travis aka ButtHead says "I’ll sleep here" (to save his spot) you know he never really left grade six. That’s ok though because a freaky native dude has arrived and he wants to yell at everyone. He yells at Sarge a bunch... so Sarge takes off his clothes. I’m pretty sure he didn’t learn that trick in the Army. Dude goes and yells at the girls too, sadly, none of them take off their clothes. This is all fun and games but Mother Nature had Texican for dinner last night, and Vanuatu blows a new vent in the side of the active volcano the kids are playing their game on. As fun as that may be, the time has come to mix it all up so Jeff gathers them together and tells Sarge and Scout (the appointed tribal chiefs) to go about picking new teams. Despite a wee effort to mix up the genders, it goes from seven girls versus six boys to Yasur with five girls and two idiots versus Lepevi with four boys, and two (being generous) girls... It’s Reward Time and the game is all about sucking it in, holding it tight, going down and using your fingers carefully. The winner gets to become a walking talking advertisement for Pringles potato chips and ... unbranded beer. Lopevi scores on that and then it’s back to camp to see how everybody fits into their new places. Erkle and Bubba end up with the Yasur gang and those dykes put the smack down on them right out of the blocks. Meanwhile, Twila is having one long squishy orgasm because she’s surrounded by beings that are not dripping with estrogen. The rest of team Lopevi are well pleased... but maybe that has more to do with the curve of Julie’s butt cheeks. Immunity is all about running hard, more knots, carrying big stuff, pushing and paddling. Surprise surprise... Yasur blows at pretty much all of this. They end up on the long march and when they get there... Team Lesbian shoves Travis and his good’ol’boy self into the big black without a moments hesitation.

Most Memorable Moment
Ok... I dunno about you but for me it was a frigg’en uber classic moment in Survivor television when Happy Bubbly Jiggly Boobie Girl Ami turned into Evil Scary, Knife Wielding Ami when Lisa talked about sharing some information with Travis AFTER HE BECAME PART OF THEIR TRIBE. WOW!!!!! No really ...WOW. That she needs a "Danger, Angry Man Hater Be Here" t-shirt could not be more apparent. The editors actually tossed in Sub Titles to make sure we didn’t miss a word of her effort to stop Lisa from sharing shit with Travis. Bwaahahahahahaha!!!!

A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
"Onnnasheeeef! OnnnaSheeeef!!!!!!" some freaky native dude who is prol’y this MBA from Boston, but when times are tough... well you go where the work is. :D

"Well I guess I’m sweat’en like a prostitute in Church." OK... Look, Travis the fucking moron, NRA Card Carrying, ex WWF wrestler thinks he understands enough of what the bible says to pass judgment on women practicing the oldest profession. Get a clue bubba.

"... and some of the worst paddling I’ve ever seen!" Word! Jeff gives Yasur hell for having such a poor showing on the Immunity game. I think he thinks they wanted to get to council and fry themselves up a little goober ... er.. bubba.

Ok... so freaky native dude gets Scout and Thumb Thumb to take the "Staff of Chiefdom". This plays into Jeff’s hands nicely as he pulls them aside and has everyone else take off their tribal colours. Then they get ready for a shuffling of the tribal decks. They play rock, paper, scissors and select Scout to pick new tribes and for Sarge to pick which one he wants. Jeff is all over thinking the distribution will be somewhat even between the genders. Scout puts three girls on Yasur and two girls on Lopevi, then two boys on Yasur and three boys on Lopevi. This leaves one girl extra... The Sarge elects to take back the Lopevi tribe so this puts their dangly-bits count up to four. Scout goes over to Yasur and Lisa – The Extra Girl – chooses Yasur. So Yasur ends up with five girls and two boys. They bump off one of the boys at council and we’re down to massive mammary volumes and ... Erlke. Rory is such a git. He screws up on every challenge and manages to argue about everything with everyone... How come he’s still in this game? Oh, and Ami-the-angry-lesbian is on this team. Soon, she will be rid of Rory and be back to her happy bouncy self. (ps. My goodness... she’s really got herself a lovely pair of ... front teeth.)

Boys is dumb... always been true and it ain’t changing any time soon. Now that doesn’t mean they can’t be happy and dumb. Twila is rip roaring happy to be among boys and Julie, an obvious flirt is ready to ply the tools of her trade.

The game is being played for... PRINGLES ... all the Pringles you can eat and beer to wash it down with. Can you imagine how their vitamin starved metabolisms reacted the next day to being assaulted like that? Hint: walk downwind when you go into the woods there Sarge...
The game was played out on a raft. One at a time, players dive down and untie a medallion from an anchored line. Each medallion is attached further down the line. Get as many as you can in the allotted time. They play neck and neck and at the end... Ami is diving against Chris to get a medallion at like 28 feet or something. Chris... the guy who has lost challenges a’plenty was under the gun here and he pulls it off... Besides... how the heck is Ami supposed to get down 28 feet under water with those???

A purely brawn oriented game... but the Yasur’s could have nailed it if they didn’t have to depend on Rory or Travis... hahahaha... Run, retrieve a part – which includes untying a big honking knot – return with said part and then run further to do it again. After a few trips you have what you need to build an outrigger canoe. Do that and then paddle it out to a marker and return. First one back wins the game. So many things were against the Yasur tribe on this one... and yet they managed to keep it close. So much so that if they hadn’t had the worlds WORST push off when paddling time came, they may have won. Jeff was disgusted with their performance and says as much. Oh, and when Lopevi wins, Sarge does this 1960’s Cowboys and Indians movie Indian Yell thing that tells me he didn’t pay attention last time they gave Racial Sensitivity Training at the base. :D

Resident Evil
Ami ami ami... boy do you ever have two sides...

The Darwin Affect
Yeah, so after Jeff sorts things out to separate the kids into two brand new tribes, and then they get back together for a challenge... Travis calls out to an old team member (Chris) and tries to give him some "signals" about "remember the merge..." I’m sure he had a valid message... however... HE WAS A FUCKING RETARD for trying to send it. Ami saw this and it is his death warrant. Bone-head.

Tribal Council
"Is this a new tribe?" Jeff asks the Yasur’s when the get to council? And, of course, they all lie and then admit that in fact... no, it’s still a "them versus us" thing and believe me... the "Us" part is the girls. I don’t understand why the two boys didn’t pick a girl to vote for and try desperately to convince ONE other girl to vote with them... maybe Eliza – seeing as she took so many stupid pills before coming on the show. But no... They vote for each other and leave the choice between them up to the girls. They totally roll over on this and Bubba goes.

Two things...
~ yeah, just say’en... I couldn’t be happier to see Bubba go and I hope Erkle is next. In the end... I think the game will be played between John K (smart boy) and Twila (strong will’ed woman!!) Everybody else is just cannon fodder.
~ apparently, next week, Julie sun baths exposing her more private bits for the team of boys to ogle. And who exactly is going to be surprised by this?

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