Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor IX Update!!!

Survivor IX : Vanuatu

Snoop Da! in da house!

Wherein... the lamest Survivor evva! further tortures us by not showing Eliza getting beaten up by pigmies. Instead, some dude from South Central doffs a grass skirt and shows the bunny team how to chew sticks. It’s a day of puzzles and an overwhelming desire to watch Rory burst into flames. Heck, even Jeff’s trying to tell them what complete idiots they are being...

Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Night vision video kinda makes everyone look like either a killer or an alien.... I’m just say’en. Lisa voted to shove Mia into the big black and Eliza is not pleased, however, Eliza is a freak and nobody gives a crap what she thinks... so it’s all good for Lisa and her giant boobs. Meanwhile, John K. – the only boy with a brain – is asking the obvious questions and Agent Brady is working the angles to fight the terrible tide of the fat, stupid, couch potato uprising. Reward is a memory game of matching pairs. The winners get to take this purportedly "local" dude back to camp – although I’m sure I’ve seen him in a Rap Video but whaddevah! 24 hours with Snoop Da! and the goal is to make a better camp and learn what to eat... I am drawn back to the opening ceremony of the show where the locals treated the girls like chattel. The women win this game – because they have an actual brain, (and because the game was broken). Da! has to go home with the girls and one wonders if he brought up anything about a greased poll? Snoop gets the girls fed, a nicer bed and shows them a trick to opening coconuts. Team Testosterone is basically becoming Team Flab as they keep frying the young guns... and now they're hungry. HAHAHAHA! Buba is getting all pussy about missing his kids... Sergeant Bilko is still ordering people around, and getting catty with Rory like a couple of small town girls looking at fresh meat. Day 9 dawns with the girls saying g’bye to Snoop. So they sing like a bunch of Idol hopefuls as he makes his escape. Back at Camp Idiot, Rory wanders around with the spear while Brady tries to get The Sarg to see reason. Immunity looms and the game is yet another puzzle. For reasons totally beyond imagining, the boys put Rory in charge of the game, and proceed to totally ignore him. Of course, the girls win hands down and Team Stupid has to listen to Jeff tell them they are pathetic fat sloths. So they chuck the FBI Agent off because... he’s such a good hard worker that gets actual food. (to quote Eleanor the But Fighter, "you idiot!")

Most Memorable Moment
K... so Snoop Da is showing jungle tricks to the girls and covers roots, leaves and coconuts. He, apparently, can’t really speak to them very well... because – I suspect – his Los Angelino accent would give away that he’s not actually a cannibal. He hacks a stick off a tree and cuts the bark off. I’m thinking... "good strong building material" and he hands it to one of the women... who immediately shoves it in her mouth and tries to chew. Ok ok, it turns out to be sugar cane – and that’s wicked cool - but who friggen knew this... Not her, that’s for sure? And it goes straight into her mouth... like she’s a two year old.

A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
"Why are we letting fat guys run the show?" John K. mumbles the very words that the producers have been screaming at Jeff all season!

Yeah, ok... this game was broken. The game is to, one player at a time, walk out to a people-sized game board and lift the little hood covering various objects. Match two objects and you get a point. Be the first team to do that five times and win the prize. So far so good. However, as soon as someone matches, the odds change dramatically in favour of the team that just matched. Because they get the benefit of the next teams uncovering effort. If the next team doesn’t match, the chances are pretty damn good that they uncovered something the first team will recognize a match for. The girls run it up to 4-0 right quick. The boys put a point or two on the table but the game is the girls to play and when they have their winning point in hand... Lisa dances across the game board to grab it. (and I was waiting for Rory to have his little snit fit about that... but that must be on the editing room floor).

Yasur – The Girls
Ok, between Eliza, Ami and Lisa... this years girls have, after 7 days, more combined boob mass than eight seasons of Survivor rolled together. This is of almost not use to them in a girls versus boys game but still... The girls learn how to open coconuts, what leafs to cook and what roots and shoots to eat. Snoop Da points out sugar-cane and that’s going to be their savior. They also get some clues about making a comfortable bed and then... they sing to Snoop as he escapes in his little canoe. I was expecting Simon to come into the frame and tell them they all sucked...

Lopevi – The Boys
Absolute fucking dumb ass pussies. I swear... Their deal remains that the older guys vote out the younger guys. Yeah, great plan, and when all the young guys are gone who’s gonna bring you a beer you big dumb fat fuck? The only good part is that older fat boys can put on a far more dramatically funked out depressed facial expression than the young toight (Goldmember!) boys. And we see a lot of those expressions on these guys. Oh, and Travis (buba) whining about missing his family... ??? give me a fucking break. How hard did you have to work to get on this show? And now you’re bummed about missing your kids?

Bwaahahahahaha... *cough* ... gasp choke... hahahahaha...
So, the idea is that each team puts a player up on a lifeguard chair thing and he or she is their "eyes". Then they sort out a puzzle. It’s a 16 square grid with four shapes on four colours for puzzle pieces. Line ‘em all up without repeating a colour or a shape in a single row and yer good. So the "eyes" calls the shots and directs traffic to sort out the "big picture" while the rest of the team scurries about moving the game pieces. Well that’s all good except that the boys are – and I bet you’ve heard this before – idiots. They put Rory up on the chair and then they all totally ignore him, fuck up the puzzle and lose terribly. Totally serves you right. Oh, and "The Screamer" (Eliza) was the girls "eyes" and she did a fine job.

Resident Evil
Lea... the Thumb Thumb Sergeant dude is a) a moron and b) a moron. He’s leading the boys without question. And the journey they are taking is leading them to a hungry and losing destination.

The Darwin Affect
Yeah the boys IN GENERAL are not worthy of any evolutionary improvements. Their game play at the Immunity Game was nothing short of pathetic and could not have been worse if they had previously agreed to lose on purpose. Sadly, they obviously wanted to win and do not possess enough collective intelligence to achieve that.

Tribal Council
Jeff practically whipped it out and pee’d on all of them. He could not have been more clear in telling them that their strategy to date is less than stellar. "Everyone is playing individual games" versus anyone playing as a team... and part one of survivor is awarded to the team that plays well together.
They all vote and even John K joins Thumb Thumb in voting to send Brady, the Buff FBI guy, into the big black. Sad.

Two things...
~ wohooo... there’s and earthquake and volcanic event next week... maybe they decide to toss Rory into the Volcano to appease the gods?
~ my god is Rory ever useless... holy crap!!!

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