Survivor IX : Vanuatu
Holy Farm Girl Batman
Wherein… the boys go to great lengths to firm up the notion that they are absolute pussies, and the girls... well they're sleep'en well but Scout was just not up to the job of user her eyes!!! So it's the waking hours that are a bit of a problem for the girls. We do get a nice romantic moment between the Johns... and a little hard ass, maggot eat'en butch monkey moment from, of course, Twila.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
We start by joining the boys in their celebration of being useless, as they whine about not having fire. They actually do make a fire... but the second it lights, it starts to rain, so they give up.(WTF?) Not to be outdone, the hungry-white-chic team, blessed with shelter'cum'Twila and fire, entertain us by serving themselves a steaming hot feast of plantains, coconut and juicy little maggots. The projectile vomiting was left on the editing room floor because it's more fun to watch Twila elect to eat the maggots and watch Dolly cry. Reward is coming, but first, Travis needs to freak out John P for a minute just to see if he'll make a crazed psycho freakazoid face for the camera... and it's a bingo on the John P thing. Reward is all about getting close to your team mates... really close... and if you win... you get a bed to um, finish up. The boys, being the jiggly bags of testosterone that they are, have absolutely no chance in the universe of winning. This makes Rory one happy little black man... not. Have you notithed thad Rowy hath a bith of a lithsp? Made bold by their game winning prowess, the girls engage in a some big game hunting. They bonk it in the head with a rock, and they stab it with a machete, and then the little hen flies away. They take comfort in finding five eggs from the recently escaped hen... and the editors don't bother to tell us (but we hear from the I Lost Survivor interview on the Early Show) that they turned out to be fertilized... and a'brew'en. Twila, of course, tried the embryo... Again, projectile vomiting (and you know there must have been... I mean??? at least Mia.) was edited out. The boys realize they posses a rain god, then they all get together for Immunity... and this one is pure torture. It's yelling at blindfolded teams tied together at the wrist and making them walk into trees, rocks and each other. Rory just about gets himself killed by Lea, and then the boys get their first taste of victory, but only because Scout is a bit of a tard. The girls are split, like the boys, along the age line. Miss Muffit finds herself trying, unwittingly, to play both sides to the middle. Enough people notice and decide to nip that problem in the tuffit... so they go to the pit of despair, Jeff torments them a little and then a completely surprised Dolly is invited to chuck herself into the volcano. She's all about finding a silver lining, and her exit speech is (honestly) "I'm just a simple girl, I belong back on the farm." I wonder how many traveling salesmen have her on their route?
Most Memorable Moment
Ok... Travis kinda makes you stupider just by looking at him. He goes into the woods and tells John P. that his name came up (about who to vote off) and it came up because he's good looking... bwaahahaha... He's all "what?" and Travis goes on to say that it's because "I have a family... you'd understand if you had a family." or some rot like that. Now Travis is talk'en crazy talk, but John... holy crap man, he gets this look like he's just found out he has to push a Campbell’s soup can up his ass... big giant eyes, and this freaky "I'm soooo mad" look. Bwaahahaha... John P., when he settles down, will grok that Travis just totally caved the whole alliance concept to him. Young, virile, six packs versus older, near-sterile, one packs.
A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
"Maggots? Protein! eat 'em, shut... up!" Twila dispensing wisdom.
"I'm.." bawl bawl... "so happy..." bawl bawl "to be..." bawl bawl "here!"
Oh yeah, you've got me convinced Dolly.
"Well... when she said she'd vote for Leanne, I nearly dropped my teeth!" Oh for gods sake Scout...
The reward game is this thing where you all line up on your teams balance beam (hello boys) which is a few feet over the water!!! Now the last person in the line must snuggle past - one at a time - each of the other team members along the beam without falling off. The girls have no problem... well, except for Lisa and her giant breasts. The boys however, are totally useless. It starts with this scene where (I think) John K is second, therefore the first person to be passed and he works it by giving a full embrace, arm wrapping hug to the player passing... and he um, makes it linger... in fact, the editors dub in some soft piano music... it was classic. Any ways, they can't get their fat selves past one another and it's all about the girls. They win a hammock, two pillows and some blankets.
Yasur - The Girls
Well it seems to me that they want us to like Twila. She's set to share the hard working, goober vote with somebody. The girls are split along an age line with Julie, Mia, Eliza and Lisa (who, apparently, just thinks she's young) on the young side and Scout, Leanne, Twila, and Amy on the other, "older" side. This was Dolly's dilemma, in that she really couldn't commit on either side. This weakness leads to her saying absolutely the wrong thing to both sides so they fry her ass at council send her home. Their "age line" is a bit of misdirection me thinks.
Lopevi - The Boys
Rory is going to get beat up any day now. He's a walking bundle of negativity and solitude. Clearly, not the qualities of a true survivor. He goes into a real bitch about the girls doing a little victory dance when they nailed the Reward game, like they didn't have the right to or some thing as equally stupid. He wanders around bitching long enough to really get the other guys bummed out about him. Dude's making Travis and Chris look intelligent.
Yikes... Ok, it's the blindfold, puzzle game. This time the walkers are tied together at one wrist and blindfolded. The yellers (Scout and Lea) are on perches and have to direct couples into the water and along the beach and into the bushes, etc. to collect puzzle pieces. Get 'em all and then rip off the blindfolds and wrist ties so they can do a puzzle... then a second one... then a third one... and then win. I mean, you can see dudes walking full steam into trees, cracking their shins on wooden boards, head bonking into one another, tripping full over puzzle pieces (jagged plywood things)... it looked absolutely painful. Rory, inexplicably, starts to holler over Lea's directions and earns himself an serious scream from Lea to shut the hell up! Scout, meanwhile, diss's her girls when they try to suggest they might have missed one and then goes on to... miss one. Totally Scouts fault and this small loss of time turns out to be the difference between winning and losing in the race for the finish. The boys get their flint and the girls get rid of miss muffit. She was on the Early Show today and I mean, she comes off as disarming and rediculously cute... and she herds sheep.
Rory is like a "donkey on the edge"... I suspect he may explode soon.
The Darwin Affect
Travis... what the hell were you thinking telling Freak-John about him being a threat. Are you like trying to paint a giant bulls-eye on your face. I mean... thank you for making John do that funny face thing, but seriously dude... I think you're a bit of an idiot.
"Half of them want me to vote for Eliza and the other half want me to vote for Leanne, and that leaves me as the deciding vote." wow... Dolly, in Vegas, that's called blowing your wad. On Survivor, that's called "getting voted out." She totally misplayed her Middle Man role and told the older women she was voting to oust one of them and then tells the younger women she was voting against one of them... um... d'oh. She's caught off guard by a total vote to fry her.
~ activate your gay-dars. Who’s play’en for the other team.
~ This will only be fun (this season) if Jeff really applies himself to torturing these people, and personally, I want to see John P. make that face again.
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