Survivor IX : Vanuatu
Snub The Chicks Night
Wherein... we get to kick off the next season of "Americans torturing Americans". How fun is that... no wonder there’s a huge international audience. It’s all about the big scary Vanuatu active volcanos and the head hunter crazy guys that Burnet and Co. pressed into service from the local village to wear grass skirts and look mean with spears. With only a few players representing the extremes of being human and a majority of pretty-people with big tits, white teeth and tight skin... well, let me just say I’m hoping there’s plenty of torture this year.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Oh look... angry black people with spears... this should be fun. Jeff shows up, with his legion of tribal warriors and takes the kids from the safety of their boat to shore... because it’s "snub the chicks" night on Survivor and we gotta get to it. The angry natives do a lot of yelling and then separate the girls and the boys. The girls make like it’s a big drag that the natives treat them like inferior beings but the option involves being forced to drink some mystery liquid and climbing a greased poll... exactly what is there to bitch about here? The boys had to drink this gray matter that numbed their mouth out... WFT? Do none of these guys have mothers? What happened to "don’t drink it just because someone in a grass skirt hands it to you!" They make the boys play a game for this "good luck pet rock" while the girls watch ... then they bring a live boar in on a stick and hack it’s head off... while the girls watch... hahaha... This is all about separating the testosterone from the estrogen so when the games end, the kids are sent packing in opposite directions down the rainy beach, in the middle of the night. While Rory stops the boys to get them to smarten up about their plans (which is not so very well received, as far as advice goes) Scout is busy trying to cover for having a bum knee by asking the girls to "set and talk a spell"... um, hello? Lets see... dead of night... strange beach... pouring rain... and a gaggle of women sorting their heads around spending the next month trying to show up men... yeah, they want to stop and play chit chat games... maybe they could do their nails?
Everybody finds their camps; a flag, a "map to water", a machete and a pot. Sounds like reward games will be for camping equipment. The girls polarize a bit down the obvious line between Young Hot Chicks Looking For Camera versus Hard Working Bull Mules Looking For Severed Penises but generally, they do very well with the group hugs, team spirit and attitude. The boys, by dramatic comparison, are all about drawing lines. I suspect that, if they had masking tape, their camp would be one big Less Nesman office layout thing. They argue from the get go and show no signs of letting up.
There is only one game in town tonight and it’s for fire and immunity. It starts with everyone turning in to an extra on some sick Scatt Porn flick and ends with the boys sitting around moping because they were too sure of themselves. Believe me... this will be a constant theme this season. The girls are golden, and if there’s a mixer on the schedule, several of the girls are perfect choices to write up the "hello my name is" badges, serve punch, and swallow.
The obvious choices for "first loser to get chucked off Jeff’s Island" would be ... the guy that got all bossy on the trail to camp (Rory), the fucking retard that lost the competition (Chris) because he was too cool for school to make it across the balance beam lying on his gut. So it’s off to Devil Worship School... er... Tribal Council... to vote and they boys take out the young gun with the forehead dent. That would be Brook... they guy that knew "all about survivor". Sucks to be you.
Most Memorable Moment
I can’t get Lea’s head out of my memory... first time he captured a full screen one-on-one with the camera... his head and neck are the same body part and his mouth cuts a perfect line from side to side. He’s like a scary cartoon human. The man is a freaking Thumb Thumb!! Don’t be fooled though... he’s showing all the signs of being someone that really understands people and by extension, knows their weaknesses. He will either rub people the wrong way and be fried... or go for the gold!
A Bug Flew In Your Mouth
John P., Mr. Participated in Football; The first words from him "Should we defend ourselves." So lets think on that for a second... thirty... forty dudes with spears against... a handful of very stupid white people... with their backs to the ocean. Now that would have been funny.
I was ready to give John P. a break... but the stuff that comes out of his mouth is such pathetic drivel that I gotta give up and start calling him names... The testosterone crew was trying to make fire and they get something to start smoking... "We had a hot Amber". Geez... Dude, it’s "ember" you big big goof and I’m sorry but I’ve had all the Amber I can take on Survivor.
The boys are all trudging through the rain, following a path... and brainiac Rory – the token black guy - stops everyone and says "I think walking around like ladies is the dumbest thing we could do!" and then proceeds to suggest some stuff about checking other paths and fanning out... I guess the angry natives at the beach not shaken their spears at him because he’s black has gone to his head and now he thinks it’s a good idea to a) draw attention to yourself, b) be bossy at a bunch of wet white guys in the dark and c) refer to said group of wet white guys as a bunch of "ladies". Yeah, his suggestion was received with a big chorus of "um... No" and then they kept walking...
"They’re their favorite topic." Opines Scout. It’s Scouts fault... she started calling them Sorority Girls. You just know that’s gonna stick. Please please please keep scout in this game... she’s gonna be such treat.
Travis, who prol’y answers to Bubba, at the very beginning; "well I just learned how to swim six weeks ago..." WHAT? No really... WHAT???? So you’re huge, uneduca-macated, and you can’t freaking swim? Maybe you can do some "loss prevention" at camp huh...
Reward and Immunity play out in one game tonight... because we wasted all that time playing "snub the girls" (and you know that’s gonna factor in somewhere...) The game is to crawl through a mud field (under bamboo cross beams), roll a ball through a giant maze, walk across a balance beam, build a fire and burn the supporting rope... hence releasing some object to mark the moment of your big win.
Suffice it to say... Boys Can’t Beam. The girls show up to the party all singing a theme song and hugg’en one another... and the boys are bristling with false pride and a misplaced sense of superiority. Big surprise guys... Everybody hits the mud and crawls through the obstacle... and come out the other side looking – sorry if this is gross but ... - like they are covered in shit. Then the cast of a "night of the living pooh" scrambles to complete the maze thing. Testosterone is way ahead but the balance beam absolutely kills them. The girls hit the beam on their guts and drive themselves to victory while eight of the nine guys watch Chris struggle to cross the beam. He can’t... he never does it... the girls could have waited for a lightening strike to light their fire... because Monster Truck Chris was not getting across that beam. Of course we are entertained with boys lamenting the drama of losing to "girls" and the girls dance away with Fire and the nasty looking Immunity Spear.
Yasur – The Estrogen Puddle
While "yasur" may be the name of some local volcano, it still sounds like their team is named for a crazed zealot in Palestine. Give these girls a truck load of mortar launchers and we’re good to go. No seriously though... Scout is the one with all the "worldly experience" and she could prol’y survive in circles around the rest of them. She also has no patience for the Sorority Crew of well boobed bikini’s that stand around and talk about... what? Cute boys and makeup? In the ocean while the more productive bags of estrogen slave away at building the shelter. This will get nasty... you just know it. I’ve got five bucks that says Scout chokes Eliza-the-talkative by stuffing a rock down her throat.
Lopevi – Testosterone Popsicles
Well they named the boys after another Vanuatu volcano but it still sounds like a Lebanese dessert so ... whatever. The guys are total bone heads... gee, how’d they find nine of those??? Sorry but John P is a freaking idiot, misogynist, snorkel for brains kinda guy. Lea (Thumb Thumb) is scary, Rory is an absolute bone head, Chris is a third nipple... useless and disturbing to look at, and Brook is... gone. The rest of the boys are untold stories but their time will come.
Oh, and remember Chad? The guy that wanted to keep his fake foot a secret... hahaha ... I was killing myself when he up and hauls out his BIG STEEL FOOT on the first morning. I was expecting maybe a flesh toned prosthetic or something but nooooo... his foot is right out of the first 5 minutes of Terminator 2: Rise of the Machines!! So much for the secret.
Have fear of Twila. Caution: May contain traces of nuts!!!
The Darwin Affect
Well I hate to be a total know it all... or maybe not... depends on the company I’m keeping I suppose... ar ar ar... whatever!!! Brook!!! I called this guy in the pre-show review. Being the "survivor geek" is the kiss of death. Of course, deciding to tell everyone at once how you want them to vote and acting like a know it all little dick smack is... prol’y not the best strategy Captain Forehead Dent. See ya...
Tribal Council – The Pit Of Despair
Jeff has skulls, fire and a nice scary setting to do his "get off my island" refrain. He’s pretty excited about this series... hopefully he’ll keep his health this time. He was sick like a dog through most of Survivor All Stars. The boys hit the pit and vote 5 for Brook, 3 for Chris and 1 for Rory. Hahaha... well that’s enough of a vote spread to reveal that they have no plan. Nothing. And after three days... they still don’t have fire.
~ next week we can expect the boys to argue and the women to cry. Big surprise.
~ That bit with the girls being treated like second class citizens... hahaha... that has to be part of a bigger plot here. I think it’s all a set up for another girl win of Survivor and I’m guessing Ami. Total guess but we’ll see. :D
Hey... check out a friends web site ... it’s the Canadian Site for "Candle Madness". She did me a great favor a while ago and I wanted to give her a plug here for pay back. Make it worth the effort and visit her site.
[ :: http://www.candlemadness.com/ :: ]
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