Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Amazing Race 5 Update!!!

Amazing Race 5 Update!!

Karma And The Shrew!

If there was any question before...  Christies behavior has most definitely cleared that up. She a rip roaring she-devil of the very worst sort.  Not only does she gloat with Cleopatra like vigor, she freaking instructs a cabbie to KILL PEOPLE... wretched beast!

Good Afternoon Race Fans...
(aka "A speedy rundown of the show mechanics")
After finally tipping a nod to LOTR...
~ get yerself to Westhaven Marina, 200 miles away, in Auckland.
~ Road Block: climb a mini rung rope ladder up under a bridge, then tie onto a safety line! bah! lol and walk the girders across to your clue and then step off! ... to sink on the safety line to the boat in the river.
~ Fly to Manila, in the Philippines (airports again!)
~ Yield? Yes... Chip n’Dale yield the stress ball and his victim (team CC)
~ Decorate a jeepnee (cliché gaudy cab in India, et. al.)
~ Get yer driver to take the recently decorated cab to Victoria, 40 miles away.
~ Detour: Plow mud or herd ducks... Nobody picks ducks! Big friendly Ox in a harness with a plow, lots of mud, and buried ropes with clues attached.
~ Clue it to the checkpoint, via buss and cab!

The Good
The Rosie’s are in second place!! That’s absolutely amazing, when you stop to think about how phenomenally daft these women can be.  They get lost at the get go while they fight in the car. You know their husbands are fucking killing themselves laughing right? I mean... those guys prol’y need medical attention after this episode.  Any ways, they get lost and show up last to the airport with everybody else except smarty pants and his douche – but we’ll get to them later! They come out of the airport segment at the front of the pack... then fall behind again... always for some dippy reason. But never doubt the resolve of a middle age, slightly insane mom! They nailed the "decorate a car to look horribly gaudy" game... big surprise. Can you just imagine the stenciling on their kitchen walls?  This was their good break!
First place is in the hands of the remarkably meek Chip... He prophesizes, when he finishes the Road Block, "if the moms can do that... they will win this race!" (hmmm)  He Yields Colin and Christy (we were cheering at our television) and he gets the free trip at the checkpoint despite himself and despite Kim being, actually, rather useless.  It seems like the weirder you are, the harder the game becomes.  Hence Brandon, Nicole, Colin and Christie pulling up the rear. 

The Bad
Brandon’s little joke when he faces the prospect of the Road Block and walking the steel girders "I’ve done the cat walk before, but not like that!"... ahhhhhh! blue steel! You big big freak!
Of course he has Nicole to counter balance his obvious election to trade intelligence for religious zeal. When the pressure is on – aka: Team CC is staring daggers at them all while their "yield" ticks away – Nicole interrupts the flow of effort to decorate the stupid car and says "LEFT?  What do mean left? What is left?" And they let her handle paper money!
These jokers come in third place, bunching up with the Rosie’s after the Detour at a bus stop, then they leap ahead of the Rosie’s... only to get Mustafa The Careful Little Cab Driver... bwahahaha... and fall behind the Rosie’s one last time.

The Ugly
The show opens on Team CC gloating over their advanced position in the race. Christie; "We’ve come in first the last three legs... because they suck!!".  Way to shove a pickle up karma’s ass.  They boogie through the Road Block and get on the "leaves in 10 minutes" flight... bingo... way way ahead.  Sadly (bwahahaha) they miss their connection Singapore and end up ... at the back of the pack waiting for a connection in Hong Kong!
Then they get to the Jeepnee thing and find that Chip has put a "Yield" on them (they have to stay put while an egg timer runs it’s course... no idea how long... maybe 30 minutes).  When Colin sees this, he goes ballistic.  Ends up positioning himself to stare maniac-like at Chip and Kim while they decorate their cab. They leave way last, but not before reminding us all of what a complete pin-head he is when he’s under the slightest bit of stress.
When they are being driven by the "jeepnee driver" to their destination... well behind the pack... Christie goes pretty much completely mental.  She’s up in the drivers face from the get go, yelling "We’re in a race and they played unfair SO YOU HAVE TO HURRY" He was this close to stopping the car and bolting. They hit a busy street, with pedestrians on the road, and ... and not a word of a lie here... she yells – YELLS – at the driver to "just run them over!"  Well now... what have we here?  I mean... "just run them over"... wow! You kiss your mama with that mouth? The lack of regular waxing is obviously taking a serious toll on this girl.

The Exceptionally Pathetic
How they managed to keep the cameras steady when Colin went absolutely ape shit wacko in the Detour I’ll never know... because there is no way they weren’t laughing their heads off! Everybody gets to the Detour and does the Plow the Mud thing.  One person holds the plow, the other takes the ox lead the walks the Ox around.  Big friendly beast... no problemo. Walk for a bit... and you snag the clue. Especially if you’re Horse-shoes-up-his-ass Brandon who nails his in 15 seconds.  All of that being as it is... this has nothing to do with Team CC’s experience in the mud.  Christie assumes the foreman role at the mud pool’s edge. Colin Grabs the Ox lead, walks around behind it and grabs the plow too... then pulls the lead... over and over and over.  Holy fucking crap... it was absolutely classic, and kind of disturbing. Back and forth, zigging and zagging and never going anywhere he was trying to make it go. The frigg’en Ox was totally messed up with an insane person yelling at it’s ass and telling it to walk backwards. Colin was foaming at the mouth, as he screams "My Ox is broken... This is bull shit!!" And Christie? Never one to shirk responsibility, she is barking orders from the sidelines.  Dear United States: Please never issue this guy a carry permit.  She will be dead inside a week.  He screams about his hatred for this beast... calls it names, curses it, pronounces with Oscar level drama (voice cracking under the strain) "I hate you!!!" ... because it’s really, really, really important to make the Ox feel worse than it already does.
After about 400 hours of this... (ok, not...) It occurs to Christie that she could actually get dirty too... she could just dig in the mud.  She walks into the mud about 9 steps, bends over, sticks her hand in the mud and pulls out a clue.  Then Colin jumped on her and strangled her unto the moment of her final breath... in his mind... and they were off for the checkpoint.

The Losers
Finally... we’re screaming taunts at our television, as Team CC approaches the darkened Checkpoint... they are told they are LAST... Oh look... Karma! Christie is starting to crack... and the Phil, announces the last of the "predetermined non elimination rounds" cccrrrrap!  She is totally crying and he’s looking like he just squeezed out the window of a cop car and got away. Gah!!!

The Winners...
Chip vowed to make himself play for himself and not be Mr. Niceguy.  This will, no doubt, be hard for him.  I remains surprising how really lame he is at times and she really does not actually do anything so ... useless.  But this complex strategy is working for them... hahaha...

I still think the Rosie’s are going home with the money!

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