Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Big Brother 5 Update!!

Big Brother 5 Update!!

The Cookie McGrill Show

Wherein... the producers and editors struggle to establish a full hour of content... The head boy nominates, his head girl demonstrates her mania and Michael - who never stops flying in the face of evolution - not only ruins dinner, but also gives his little self a brand new tattoo. But enough about that... lets let Diane tell the story...

Loser say what?
(aka “The WEEK in as few words as possible”)
Hi, my names Diane... I'm Drew's girlfriend... oh, and I'm fat. No really, it's just hanging off me. I swear I can't lift my arm up because of all the old-italian-lady-cheering-for-soccer thing going on under my biceps. Any ways, Captain Fantastic won Head of Household the other day so everybody gets to bow down to him again. It's a good thing I'm in love with him... but shhh... don't tell anyone... pardon? National Television? oh... oh yeah... um, whatever.  Yeah, so everybody hates me (and I'm fat). The jury hates me and these people hate me... So I guess I'm just about fucked. I told everyone to take me to the end, because there is no way those people are going to vote for me... so I'm a perfect second.  Ol'Cowboy over there is about fit to be tied with the whole "he never wins HoH" thing... and watching Drew laugh IN HIS FACE when he congratulated him ... was kinda worth the price of admission.  So, like... I'll admit it... I'm not afraid to admit it... I'm getting fat. But I'll get it all off when I get out of here... Oh... are those chips?  You know... we're going to go exercise tomorrow. Hey, they shrunk the table again. We just realized that we're the youngest from the original 28 of us, so this really is the kids table at Thanksgiving... What? 14? yeah, whatever... same thing... So the other night, we got some really choice cuts of meat... No, I'm off the Drew topic... I mean "steak"! Yeah, and Cowboy... Mister Ranch Man Bull Rider... cannot cook a steak for shit. He made us all new leather slippers and we even tried to eat it. I hope the bbq bit him for screwing up this meal. Did I mention that I love Drew? Yeah... Hey you, Bitch... yeah, Van-essssssa! I got yer man and I burned yer shirt.  Love me now, don't ya. It's cool you know, I can be a total bitch in this room because I am never ever going to be out of this house and back in the real world.  Ok... so check me out! We had a luxury game, all about burning the clothes we hate in this house... of course, all I could come up with was that shirt Bitch-Vanessa gave Drew. Whatever... Then we got to go on "Looters Training Course" thing, which will come in handy... except in Alabama, but enough about drunk people and guns... and in the process of doing all this... i got to take off my top in the back yard in front of everyone. I had my red bra on so, no biggie... but BB wouldn't let do the thong nation thing... probably because I'm so amazingly fat.  Nakomas keeps giving me these weird looks when we discuss how large I've become, I think she thinks I'm fat. So... Drew nominated me and Nakomas but we have to play a veto game so there could be some bad shit in the hopper. We'll see. K? Alright then see ya... oh, did you see my eye shadow? How cool is that? Yeah... Like I'll ever be able to wash all this shit off.  ok... ... hey, are those chips?

Fav Quote
Cowboy, for the fifth time, but this time, during the every-so-boring "HoH reveal", congratulates Drew on winning.... "Well... congratulations again."  and Drew... BURSTS OUT LAUGHING... bwaahahahahahahaha... Get this guy a silver single suit and teach him to bite his pinky!

"I am sick of them complaining about their weight and then they go and get a bag of chips!"  and the cameras pan across the vacant, lonely, highly equipped, exercise room... ah Michael... you are so correct. Girls... would you like some cheese with that whine? 

Most Memorable Moment
The big winner for mmm is maybe one of the most memorable of the season so far... Cowboy, pacing manically in front of the BBQ has volunteered to cook up everyone’s NY Strip steaks.  Dinners at 7:00... he's got 'em sizzle’en at 5:00. He serves them up some crispy shoe leather.  While he's making charcoal, Drew comes out - probably after the girls beg him - to talk to Cookie McGrill and when he sees the condition of the meat he knows it's a lost cause.  Michael comments, on his cooking skills, "Well, I try..." Drew looks away, and the camera holds tight as Michael steps back and leans on the bbq lid with his hand... Oh man did he jump back... I was expecting it to be bandaged in the next scene.

Estrogen Is Your Friend
Nakomas and Diane talking about how fat they are... Well, Diane is talking, and Nakomas is trying to keep saliva from dripping out of her drooping jaw.  The camera stays on Nakomas while she plays with some tummy slack, hanging over her belt in a kind of "real human" looking way (she's got a fine figure... despite wearing goth madness for pants) and then we focus on Diane's flab... bwaahahaha... she's got that mental disorder that causes her to see a fun house mirror reflection of herself whenever her ribs aren't visible... We're looking at her tiny tummy pushing out a bit and listening to her talk about how fat she is. Then they talk about exercising... you know, like tomorrow.  The camera pans back away from them, passed out in their lawn chairs... Nakomas with her head lolling back... mouth hanging open.  Total sloths. It was priceless.

Team Testosterone
Drew and Michael.  The Silence and The Lamb.  I swear, I just can't figure Drew. He does such amazingly stupid things... and just when you think you see the glimmer of a master plan and you want to sit back and say a long slow fuuuuuck... DING... he does something stupid again. The sad thing is that absolutely none of the plans he has actually made have worked out, yet here he is... in the final four.  Same goes for Michael... the ultimate follower... and you know it's a done deal that he will - when his time comes - pass from this mortal existence within seconds of saying "hey everybawdy... watch this!".  I gotta stop calling this section "team testosterone"!! :)

So Drews HoH, and nominates Nakomas and Diane. If Nakomas wins Veto, that puts Michael on the block with Diane and leaves the choice up to Nakomas... Would she save Diane or Michael? I think she would know enough to keep Diane as a foil to the votes, because - as she mentioned - no body on the jury is going to vote in her favor... and the freak show that is Cowboy is sure to get the "Goober" vote.

The winner…
Suz still says Drew but I'm going for the longer odds and guessing Nakomas at this point. If she wins that Veto... she's golden.

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