Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Survivor IX: Vanuatu!


Survivor IX : Vanuatu


The Pre-Show Review




Wherein… eighteen people, who slaved for this chance, will be starved, deprived of comfort, made fun of and generally tortured.  And that's not even counting the sound drubbing I intend to give them!  This is the "pre-show cast of characters review"... You can go [:: here ::] to a web site called "Survivor Maps" and see where on earth Vanuatu is, along with a few pictures of the locations used in the show. When things get under way, I'll be, once again, writing episode reviews and taking great pleasure in the cast's suffering. Remember, they worked hard for the chance to be abused, and I think it’s only fair that we document every stupid they do. :D




Let’s Meet This Seasons Victims
I've heard a rumor that they will be separating them players into his and hers teams again...



Ami: All teeth, travel and a barista... and unless her partner "Crissy" is some guy with a really unfortunate name, she's play’en for the other team and making them coffee.

Brady: FBI, can't lie, US Navy... apple pie shoots out of his ass on demand and he's going to dominate the physical game. I'm guessing that "can't lie" thing is going to come in real handy... not!

Brook: Ok... whatever you do... do not spend the whole season staring at Brook's forehead dent... don't do it... no really... He's the "survivor geek" which, historically, is the kiss of death.

Chad: Bwaahahahaha... "I'm going to keep it a secret as long as I can..." He has this prosthetic foot... and I keep picturing this big honking shiny steel, clawed foot... like in Terminator. He's a cancer survivor and will do anything - soccer, tennis, ... fishing? -  to stroke his "I'm as good as anyone without a giant steel foot" issues.

Chris: Monster trucks... no really... what else is there to say?

Dolly: Watch for the editors to splice in images of air bubbles rising through the ocean before cutting in her video moments... She's a shepherd, she squeaks when she talks, is a member of the NRA, and most likely owns a tuffit.

Eliza: Katie Clipboard... who can prol'y talk non-stop with a tennis ball in her mouth. She's a sorority girl, so Bend.... and snap!

John K.: A mechanical bull operator? Look at this guy... there's a high probability that he's known for yelling "blue steel" and freezing in some weird pose at parties.

John P.: Ok... I saw the movie "Rudy"... "Participated in football" usually means made sure the water bottles were full... oh, and he has Ross's teeth from that "teeth whitening - black light" episode of Friends. Kinda scary, if you ask me.



Julie: Ok... basically Rupert... except ... hawt.

Lea: Because you can't have too many uptight, drill sergeants that are nuclear weapons specialists... He thinks he has "39 days to learn to relax..." Um... no, you have 1 day and then 38 to put it into practice.

Leann: She's a model slash actress... Imagine... and on a reality show even...

Lisa: Finally!!! A Cajun cheerleader (wtf?) AND a born again Christian.  So everybody can look forward to being saved with blackened pom-poms... and I will refrain from commenting on her owning a goat... oh, wait... rats.

Mia: Another one that squeaks when she talks... great.

Rory: The token black guy... man that must suck.  Oh and he spent some time in Nigeria... YUP!! You got it... he's the guy that's been sending you spam about getting cash out of Nigeria.

Scout: Ok... there's no getting around it... Scout is like a X-man or something. She has a bionic knee, she's freaking famous (tv shows ABOUT her) and she's Dr. Doolittle-ette that sings, teaches and carries the Olympic torch.  Of course, she's gay... 

Travis: um... "loss prevention at Wal-Mart" and can't keep his finger out of his ear when he talks.  His nick name is Bubba, so you can draw your own conclusions.

Twila: Twila? Twila? come on... Twila? Started life in Osceola but decided to "go for it" so she moved to Missouri. :D  She's a Mushroom Hunter... I mean... those poor defenseless mushrooms!

Two things...
~ Remember... you are your own best censor. If you don't like how I write the reviews... you really ought not to read them. If you do like them... comment on them!!!! I love getting the feedback!
~ I hope Scout has the charisma to go with her pedigree... It’d be nice to see the “older woman” not get tossed out first or second this time.



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  • shiver

    You know that shiver you get through your shoulder blades and down your back when you feel cold. Maybe you’ve just left the restaurant and you’re…

  • selfie

    as I read and read and read about "Selfies"... I quietly say to myself... "um... yeah, tell me again how selfies are a new thing." lol. :)

  • Monday, February 17, 2014

    Hiya. :) Today was one of those “oh look… LJ is still there” days. Oh how I miss the old days when LJ was pretty much a playground filled with my…