Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Big Brother 5 Update!!

Big Brother 5 Update!!



Dial 1-800-FEEDJULIE now... and save a Chen.



Where-in... Marvin, in an outrageous fit of "check out Mr. Smarty Pants", manages to totally fuck himself. Now if he’d just do the "Dr. Evil bites his baby finger" thing...the picture would be complete. Diane, ever in need of good medical attention, is brought to the very brink of long term psychological care by Mr. Happy himself... Drew, the boy that everybody plays because...well, his brain is about the size of Georgia peanut. Oh, and Adria, the girl completely unencumbered with intelligence, gets to stammer a lot...



Loser say what?
(aka "The show in as few words as possible")
Julie and her big-head-on-a-stick lets us know it’s a double eviction week and then we watch Adria wallow in self pity. Nobody else pities her so it’s a slow burn for Twin One. Diane continues to bitch-ify herself, and then Marvin plays her, Cowboy and Drew for pawns in a game of kiss-her-get-him-mad. This works and Drew pushes Diane to the limit of her ability to not implode. Will and Nat mix it up at the Jury House but, alas, there is no blood. Then it’s time to watch Adria get kicked out. She has a brain fart at the door and every body argues. Julies having a blast... all teeth and hair that lady... Then it’s time for HoH. A game of true or false ends with Drew holding the key. But there’s a twist ol’bean. Drew has to nominate two TONIGHT. We don’t get to see it... unless we watch the live feeds and somebody else goes on Saturday night. :D

How About Some Details
Welcome to double eviction week... and here’s your hostess... the girl with the toy body. This, it seems, is where the whole Anime "Big Head attached to crazy tiny body" thing comes from... but forget about her. I’m sure all her boy friends do, after getting poked in the eye by one of her ribs...
The house mats are in for a new twist this week... but first they have to roll Adria up in a ball and knock her out of the park. She keeps praying for everyone... for god knows what reason... and she moves through her process of trying to capture support for the upcoming vote, but is utterly without a plan. She has all the right arguments but can’t articulate any of them. When she gets even the slightest push back – let alone hears Diane calling her every name in the book from inside the house – she just resorts to praying for people. Sadly, that has little impact on the vote process. Drew gives her a little time and blows smoke up her ass... like he has a plan or something... but we all know he’s a pussy and wont do anything but go with the flow. Cowboy keeps talking and I keep getting closer to shoving bbq skewers in my ears. Marvin gets the Fun Train going by giving Diane a kiss ... in hopes that it will get back to Drew... (you big sly bastard you) It does and Drew, true to form, goes right to Diane and confronts her. She waffles and lies or actually forgets that he gave that little peck (It’s not like she was sucking his tonsils dude). Then Drew tells her it’s OVER. Yessiree... "I can’t trust you... why would I want to be with you?" and she is fucking losing it... No seriously here guys... she’s got tears... her eyes start going a million miles an hour... several billion brain cells just die on the spot as she tries to make sense of the universe... and then? An den? An den Drew says "I’m just kidding. But don’t do this to me again or I’ll say that to you for real." OH MY GOD... It’s hard to tell if he’s just really stupid and waffled thinking his righteousness was misguided... because it’s just too scary to think he’s smart enough to completely mind fuck her on purpose. Stick Girl (Julie) interviews Marvin in anticipation of the votes and he comments on Diane’s weight... and she’s huge compared to her arrival... heck... she’s gone from a size 1 to maybe a size 3... ya fat pig. (of course, both of those size increases were smack dab on her ass). We’re wait’en for the votes, but Julie’s got to take us to the Beach House first and watch that complete fuck wad Will stressing about Natalie joining him by the ocean. She compares him to Charles Manson (an Apt analogy if I do say so myself) and he has his cliché "wait, let me talk over you and assume all kinds of shit so I can be all indignant" reaction. You just know the two of them are having a blast. They get to see segments from the show... just not the Diary Room stuff or any "compromising" segments that they would not normally have been privy to if they were in the house. Adria and Michael get to chat up the rest of the house mats pre-vote but we all know it’s a forgone conclusion. They are all sick to death of living with that watchtower lady that knocks on your door on Saturday morning... She gets the heave ho at a resounding 4-0 vote. As she gets to the door she tries to deliver a good dig... and has a good dig to give but, once again, cannot articulate it... It’s all about telling them "smooth move guys... put me and Nat on the jury and make us feel really really bad on the way out... good planning" but it comes out as a punk moment and Marvin tries to climb down her throat. It’s the first "at the exit door" fight ever on BB... Now they play true or false to get a new Head Boy and while Karen almost nails it... remembering why we know that Scott can’t spell cheese leaves Drew with a Key around his neck. They return to the house... and Julie wets her barbi-doll panties tell’en the gang about the new twist-o-rama. Drew has to nominate tonight and somebody is going on Saturday night.

Fav Quotes
"I pray for these people every day... and I’m glad I do... because they need it."
What the fuck are you talking about? Adria did have you been taking your stupid pills again?

"The plague is back there with my boyfriend..." oh... yeah... Diane is talking about Drew here... you know... Drew... the guy that’s back there calling Diane a bitch and ranting about how he can’t trust her. Bwaaahahaha...

Drew: "I’m just kidding." BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AHAHAHAH ... *chokes* BWAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAA... cough cough... weeeeeezeeeee... BWAAHAHAH HAHAHAHA ... (insert several pages of "BWAAHAHAHAHA" here...)

"Do I trust Diane? Yeah, about as far as I can through her... and she’s gotten a little big in the last weeks..." Ah Marvin... ever the eloquent brotha. Mind you... Diane can’t fit in most of her clothes any more... hence her reliance on track pants and granny panties.

Most Memorable Moment
Very very hard call this time... It’s a dead heat in the race between Drew torturing Diane and the Marvin, Drew, Diane, Cowboy moment ripped from the scripts of The Young & The Restless. Lets go with Y&R....
Marvin, ever the brutha wanting to get his hands on one of the girls in the house, decides that if only he can get Drew mad at Diane, it would destabilize things enough to get him through another week... So, Dr. Evil picks a moment when cowboy is behind him, and Drew is out of the way, and Diane is within reach to grab her for a comfy "isn’t this game hard" moment of friendly hug. She’s game... they embrace very nominally and quickly... but Marvelous Marvy plants a wee buss on that cheek of hers... HE KISSES HER. And the editors play it on a loop... like four times... peck peck peck peck... BWAAHAHAHAHA... She only sorta notices and pushes him away thinking he’s joking with her... and she goes back to her what she was doing... BUT THEN... (and I was fucking killing myself laughing at this point) Cowboy high tails it to Drew to do one of those "Don’t get mad, but I gotta tell you this for your own good" things that really unbelievably stupid bud-insky type people tend to do and says "Marvin and Diane KISSED... I saw it... right over there... just now!" ahahahahaha. Cowboy is a fucking violin... and Marvin is a virtuoso.

The Live Feeds
You cannot believe the torture that Diane is getting from Drew. I don’t know what he’s trying to do... but if it’s just one of those "Look, lets make like we hate each other" things to get other people to leave them alone... he’s totally fucking it up. He tells her he doesn’t trust her and then asks her to trust him. He drives her to tears over and over and over and over again... then hugs her and gives her this goofy thumbs up thing. I swear she’s gonna ram a fork into his eyes when he goes to sleep. Oh... and he nominated HER and Marvelous Marvin. Apparently Marvin had a shit attack about it but I didn’t see it on the feeds.

Tactical
Man... I swear I don’t know what I hate more... listening to Cowboy talk or listening to either twin talk. I was so sure Adria had a brain at the beginning of this show... and maybe she did... but if I never have to listen to her blather on again... it will be too damn soon. And cowboy ... sweet geezus on a stick... AH WOOD LAIK TU JUS TAL ALLYALL DAT YUR REAL GOOD PEEPLE... kill me now... better yet... Kill him.
Drew puts Marvin and Diane up for evic... (talk about a backfire there Marvy!!) and the plan is to get rid of Marvin. However, Veto is a big honking deal this week... If Marvin gets off the block it’s all over for Diane. Hell she may just implode anyways...

The winner...
You little fart... you’re going to win aren’t you Jennifer... And she will snort every last penny of the cash... you know that don’t you?

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