Amazing Race 5 Update!!
Follow That Cab…
It's all about... the race now. It's down to five teams and they're jockeying for position. Of course, if you're more concerned with your hair than a million bucks... you can please go set yourself on fire... mmmk. Tonight we had the Rosie’s baking bread, Nicole getting groped by Indian locals, the Twins hoe'ing it up en route to Wild Wadi, and Blue Lagoon and his “model slash watchtower lady” pouring retched, steaming vats of vanity over themselves on national television.
Good Afternoon Racefans...
(aka “A speedy rundown of the show mechanics")
The ninth leg of the race begins...
~ get outta my desert!
~ drive to a water park (Wild Wadi - sounds more like a bunch of stoners btw)
~ get yer shorts rammed up your ass on a water slide from hell,
~ clue it to an airport and then…
~ Calcutta, India... that steaming sess pool on the edge of hell.
~ fight with cabbies and get to Sahid Minar... some landmark in Calcutta.
~ Road Block; shit bricks er... make bricks, at a factory in Goriya
~ Fast Forward... if you dare,
~ Ride a train (in India!!) from some hole in the wall station,
~ Detour: push a car... or better yet, get with the local customs and have a bunch of kids do the work while you sit and laugh... OR get lost in a market place. Everybody elects to push the car… well they elect to “move the car”. That is has no engine is something they discover as they play.
~ take a cab ride to the Victoria Memorial... the checkpoint.
Well first and foremost… applause, applause… for Chip and Dale as they comment that they are trying hard to set up Colin for a fall, while Team C&C think the Chip and his date are their personal simpering fan club. Bwahahahaha… I lust after the hope that this plan will work out.
And I gotta talk about my girls when we’re on the “good” zone. The Rosie’s… dumb a freaking posts, but still managing to stay off the butt cheeks of the game. They may have forgotten their pack with their passports as they drove into the sunset… and getting ripped off by a punk ass cabbie scam artist is never a good thing, but they made “brick making” with this mud-in-a-mold gig look like a walk in the park (rolled the mud like bread dough and slap that bad boy into the mold… bingo!). That this happened while Colin was having one of his ego seizures is just icing on that cake.
Man... you just want to slap Colin every time they show him on the screen. He takes everything out on his chick and she takes it like such a dumb ass. The Twins, however, are catching up... in the race to be the most despised. "We are going to use whatever sexual gifts we have..." Oh... you mean your gonna lie on your skinny ass and let some fat Indian guy roll around on you. Just don't open your mouth and let him see the "gums for six people" that god rammed in your mouth... ok? Thing One and Thing Two manage to scrape together some cash from people whom they were berating with promises of hugs (Oh how I wish I could sift through the editors cutting room...) and end up with a freaking volunteer guide! Being broke on this leg didn’t hurt them nearly enough.
Now the clue clearly says “drive yourself to the airport…” but Chip is in a bit of a rush so he doesn’t bother to read the whole clue!!!!! No seriously, how is this possible. Dude!!! Anyways… they realize this after they hop in a cab and get half way to where they’re headed. This lands them in last place, on a different connecting flight to Calcutta but they make up the diff in cabs, trains and bricks.
The Rosie’s take off leaving one of their packs behind and notice when they get themselves lost… gah! They go back to get their bag and ask a cabbie if he knows the way to the the airport… “Oh… I am going there now…” “Can we follow you?” “Oh yes…” So they do… and when they get there they tip him US$5… and he demands the meter. “no no … $45 more…” bwaahahaha… bastard. She tries to tell him to blow it out his ass but he gets the man involved and with the threat of losing their seat on a plane, she negotiates it down to $15. He was sooo trying to rip her off.
And while we’re on “ugly”… Calcutta. Not your happy fun zone vacation destination.
Everybody has a hard time with the “making bricks” thing… Colin goes ballistic, yelling at his chick and, Brandon and Nicole give up and go for a Fast Forward, and the Twins? Total morons… arguing… stressing… and doing a really crummy job.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
Nicole: “wow… they have a … what do you call that thing… mosques… like on every corner. It’s like Starbucks here…” Yeah… I’ll have a low fat, frappa-guilt-oh, with a twist of prayer and a sprinkle of brotherly love. She has no idea how small town it sounded for her to say that. When they board a train, the locals all crowd around the white chick and separate her from Curly. She’s calling out “Brandon!! Help Me” as he ass gets the full treatment… His reply “Lord Help Her”. Phew… well she must have been relieved. When she and idiot boy Brandon decide that making bricks is too hard… they hoof it for the fast forward (everyone was at the brick yard at the same time and it was suddenly obvious that nobody had taken the FF… so off they go). Cool… a chance to secure first place and get a “lead”, and a sure fire easy task… Just sit your ass down and let some dude shave your head. “We are in the modeling industry and we cannot cut our hair… I mean, look at him… (pointing at lovely cuddly mop head IDIOT boy Brandon).” So they demure… clearly forgetting that hair grows back and that money doesn’t. Vanity and foolishness drive them desperately to the very back of the pack. Everybody else arrives at the checkpoint in daylight… but they were night riders after going back to make bricks, etc. So basically … they have no value without their hair. (fingering my lighter as I watch the tv…)
So the “We are nothing without our hair” team comes in last… I’m happy to see them go… and then Phil drops another “This is one of four predetermined non-elimination rounds.” Ccccccrap!
Of course… this is because God is on their side and wants them to win… because… you know… god’s not paying any attention to the other players that don’t pray as much as them. They’re last however… and they lose their cash… all that cash that Nicole was hoarding from her spending-happy Beau.
Checkered Flags and Crystal Balls
“I can’t believe how hard you make this for me…” ah Colin… you big big freak. Christy, who managed to share a laugh when the Rosie’s were having cab fair trouble at the airport, is going to burst. Colin lays a trip on her every time he has a problem with anything or she opens her mouth with an opinion. She better end the series with “and I’ll never speak to him again…” (but of, course, she wont… she’ll be even more in love!!
Bottom Line: Team C&C ends up at the checkpoint first and wins another holiday vacation.
Now as for the game overall? I continue to hope for the Rosie’s but you know there’s nasty competition.
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