Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Big Brother 5 Update!!

Big Brother 5 Update!!

Put The Ball In The Hole!

Where-in... we watch as Michael melts over not being America’s Choice and Marvin, the next big star, totally wets himself on the set of Y&R. They trash talk, they vote, and they play golf. You know… an average day in the CBS laboratory. Oh, and did I mention that Michael is a sniveling delusional wanker?

Loser say what?
(aka "The WEEK in as few words as possible")
It’s the Marvin Show… but that’s getting ahead of ourselves. Julie Chen, properly medicated, manages to talk clearly, (although she did put her dress on backwards) and walk us through the eviction show. Let me paraphrase: Julie to Nakomas “So, how do you justify your fucking hypocrisy bitch?” Nakomas to Julie: “It’s all good Julie, I’m angst’y and he’s only my half brother.” Julie “Right…” We get several sound bites leading us to the conclusion that Cowboy is toast… which is pretty well an editorial guarantee that Natalie is going. Meanwhile, Marvin wins America’s Choice and gets a limo ride to the set of Y&R. He is like a kid that wakes up alone in a candy store… surrounded by his Y&R heroes. He almost loses it when the Black Chick (Victoria Rowell) on Y&R acknowledges him… He’s envisioning crawling over her instrument, you just know it. Back at the ranch… Julie continues to ride Michael about not winning AC… in fact she points out that Drew came in a very close second… stopping just short of telling Michael that he got maybe six votes. (Live Feeds have been packed with Michael rehearsing and planning on becoming a big star… no seriously… it’s quite pathetic actually). And then it’s off to the Jury House… to watch Will blow smoke out his ass about how wonderful it is to be on his own in this lovely house (it’s a freaking villa on the ocean)… and we’re not fooled. That William cannot possibly survive without someone to interact is a clear as a bell. Back at the ranch… the house mats vote and it’s a resounding kick in the snatch (4 to 1) at the twins so Natalie is on her way to the Jury House… and I’m betting the footage of her and Will will be more entertaining that anything that happens in the BB house. Ms. Dressed-In-A-Hurry tells us about the next AC, “who would you like to get a phone call from home?” and then it’s off to the Head Boy game. This one is a mini-put thing with complicated rules. Now PAY ATTENTION: The rules are like this; Round One: three players face off… first one to put a ball in AND down to the bottom of the tube below the hole goes to round two. Round Two: the two finalists have a shoot out and the one with the most balls in the tube wins. Ok so far so good right? Cowboy totally lucks out and sinks his first shot. He’s in round two. Now it’s Marvin, Karen and somebody else trying to be first in the hole and to the bottom of the tube. Marvin puts one in on an angle and it’s circling the cup like a basketball trying to decide if it’s all net or not. Meanwhile Karen knocks one over the hole, it bounces back and drops DIRECTLY down the hole. When Marvin’s ball starts circling the cup (on the inside of the rim) Julie calls it a win for Marvelous Marvy. But, thanks to the magic of Tivo and VCR’s everywhere, Marvin’s ball is still going around and around while Karen’s ball drops straight to the bottom. She clearly won and would have gone to round two. However, Julie had already stuffed her gapping maw with Prada so we watch Marvin face off against Cowboy and Cowboy can’t sink a ball for shit. Marvy drops like five… and he gets the key. It’s all about Marvin baby…

Fav Quotes
Karen, trying to make like there’s an actual choice to make about her vote, comments; “Cowboy crawls up the butt of anyone that would protect him…” And I’m just thinking his dreaded chin stubble would be darned irritating… I wonder if Scott ever complained?

Marvin… totally cracks me up… He’s in the make up chair at the Y&R Set getting done up for shooting the scene; “She’s gonna make me so pretty… I’m the black Brad Pitt… Barbeque Pit!”. Then he see’s Victoria Rowell (plays Drucilla on the show) and he’s all waving at her… wetting himself… and she calls back “Come on over to my set later…” So he comes back with (directly to the camera) “I’m gonna be all up on your set.” Bwaahahaha…

Michael, while Julie and the editors play out every inch of Crybaby Michael string they have, responds to Julie’s question about feeling sad about not getting his big acting break… and – while choking back the tears – he comments; “Oh well… I know there will opportunities for me outside of the house…” hahahaha… oh man… sure Cowboy… I hear they need a day shift guard at Publix.

Ok… now Julie seems to have a bit of a cold… or some other sinus blocking ailment… (*coughcocaincough*) and when she’s talking about the next America’s Choice deal at the end of the show she says “A T-Mobile phone call from home”. And dude… I’m telling you, she actually sounded Asian. You try… pinch your nose and say that out loud.
Imagine that… Julie sounding Asian…

Most Memorable Moment
I was howling with laughter when Marvin said he was gonna be all “up on your set” about Victoria. He must have had the people that work at Y&R killing themselves laughing. :D

Estrogen Is Your Friend
Holy craptastica… Karen is such a freaking drama queen… somebody buy that girl a crown. She’s all about voting out Natalie… but she just can stem the flow of salty goodness from her highly eyeshadowed (in lovely 1984 blue) eyes when she faces Adria.
Um… for the record, I’d pay to watch someone flay a few layers off Diane… and it would take a miracle for her and Drew to have anything outside the house… unless they spend some time together in the Jury house… although that may only be time spent keeping Natalie from kicking the snot out of Will.

Headline News I Wish For
Natalie, the “evicted twin” was removed from the Big Brother TV show “Jury House” in hand cuffs after a gay man was found torn to shreds with a large stone figurine rammed up his anus. Sources report that the word Karma was scratched onto the statue of a ram that was unfortunately being used to decorate the lavish accommodations.

Team Testosterone
The camera closes in on Michael… holds steady… and Julie comments to Drew how he came in a close second to Marvin for the AC award. He sure looked to me like snot was about to start dribbling out of his nose… And what was with his blabbing at the “Save Me Speech”??? gah… he’s been taking far too many cues from Adria. Man can these people talk. I keep waiting for the big wooden shepherd’s hook to come in from off camera and drag one of them away… Shut Up already.
Oh… and did you notice how it seemed that a lot of Marvin’s testosterone had been drained off when he got to the set of Y&R?? I was thinking he’d turned into Holly when he saw Victoria… “oh… there’s Durcilla… Hi girl…” gah… ya big freak. :D hahaha.

So how will Marvin, the George Bush of HoH games, play with his power… I mean besides locking himself in the HoH room and spy cam’ing on Adria while she does induction exercises… I’m thinking it would be in keeping with his strategy-to-date to put Karen and Diane up…

The winner…
Do you hate Adria now? Yeah… that’s ok… you usually hate the person that ends up winning. !!

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